If he doesn’t win an Oscar on Sunday it will be a crime. Colin Firth’s performance in “The King’s Speech” was outst-st-st-anding. But the best role he has played is as a husband and father. He has been married 15 years and has two sons. Having become a heart-throb after emerging from a lake, dripping wet in Pride & Prejudice 16 years ago there have been many admirers!
The secret of the longevity of his marriage in an industry known for a high failure rate of marriages, is his devotion to his wife and family. “You just have to navigate things on a daily basis. We are crazy about each other. But the real secret is time – we have to make sure we spend enough time together. Every relationship in life, you’re going to have to take care of it. There is a marathon factor to it.”
The happiest marriages are based on a deep friendship. This is the single most important ingredient. Making and taking the time to foster and deepen that friendship will bring richness to a marriage and enable any couple to navigate whatever comes at them in the normal course of life. Friendship fuels the flames of romance. It’s a daily thing.
Eat together. Talk together. Play together.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Mr Cameron's Big Society. A Jewish Perspective.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, now Lord Sacks, who has been Chief Rabbi since 1991, says:
"If the Jewish experience has anything to say to Britain today, it is to recognise marriage, not just cohabitation, as in the best interests of the child. Do so in the tax system, do so in the educational system, do so in relationship support. Without stable marriages we will not have strong families and without strong families we will not have a big society."
"If the Jewish experience has anything to say to Britain today, it is to recognise marriage, not just cohabitation, as in the best interests of the child. Do so in the tax system, do so in the educational system, do so in relationship support. Without stable marriages we will not have strong families and without strong families we will not have a big society."
Monday 14 February 2011
Valentines All Year Round.
It’s that time of year. Valentine’s day. We are surrounded by the commercial opportunity to be romantic. Not a bad reminder to do something romantic together with our partner or spouse.
The real work in a relationship however is on-going. The best relationships are built on a strong foundation of friendship; a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. It is about having an abiding regard for each other and expressing this fondness not just in big ways but in little ways, day in, day out.
"As a result such couples have a marriage that is far more passionate than do couples who punctuate their lives together with romantic vacations and lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives." (John Gottman)
Eat together. Play together. Talk together.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Stood Up By Kaye.
I almost made it on to BBC Scotland this morning. At 8am I had a pre-programme phone call and then at 9.20 the producer called me and told me to stand by to take part in the discussion..........................but after a few minutes of me nervously waiting he said, we have had a flood of calls, so we will have to leave your contribution for today, thanks. Fair enough I thought. They want to hear from Joe Public rather than another “professional.”
“Why does marriage matter?” was the issue under discussion. The debate centred around why we should want to promote marriage above cohabitation and should the Govt favour one over the other, in the tax system.
A number of things struck me. Firstly, Kaye Adams hosted the programme very well and was very fair to all sides and did so with good humour. She led a very good discussion.
Secondly. It is ok, up to a point, to speak from personal experience. But, whatever your experience is, someone else will argue from theirs. So how do you decide which is the most valid? And who decides? People need to discuss on the basis of more than personal experience. What does the evidence actually point to? And the fact that marriages are 4 times more likely to succeed than cohabitations is telling.
Thirdly. Individual cases do not make the rule. We heard from a number of cohabitees who have been together 25 years or more, which is undoubtedly commendable. Some are celebrating by getting married! (Why bother now, I wonder?) But on the bigger scale, the level of trends in society, these are the exceptions. Only 4% of cohabitations will last 10 years or more. The majority will break-up within 5 years. Take 100 Cohabitees. 74 will still be together in 5 years time. 26 will not. Take 100 couples who marry. 91 will still be together in 5 years time. 9 will not. The difference is great. The social and emotional cost huge. And the key element is to do with commitment.
This is the main difference between the two. In the purely private arrangement of cohabitation the door is ajar. In the publicly commitment of marriage the door is closed. Not in the sense of being trapped but rather as a way of saying, we are a couple and we intend to stay together for our own benefit, for the benefit of any children and the good of wider society. The Counsellor on the programme was correct when she said, “Marriage has been devalued. We need to revalue commitment.” People chose to express their commitment in different ways other than marriage. They have a baby as a sign of commitment. Or they take out a mortgage as a sign. Is that enough?
My last reflection is about “Legacy.” What are we modelling for our children with regard to relationships? If it is true that cohabitations are the preferred lifestyle choice of the majority and if it is true that they are intrinsically more fragile than marriages irrespective of the age of the couples involved, then what are our children witnessing, experiencing and absorbing as a model for their own future? Fragility? Impermanence? There is plenty of evidence that relationship patterns jump to the next generation. So the way our parents behave influences the way their children will behave. The same can be said of bad marriages of course.
We are in danger of perpetuating a skepticism about relationships. They probably don’t work. So my attitude to any future one is deeply coloured by what I have known at home and learned from society. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Entering a relationship with such a low expectation of hope of success surely doesn’t bode well for the couple. What is it that kills off relationships in the end, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis? Loss of hope. Well, if you start with fragile hope, where does that lead in the end?
As for tax benefits for married couples? Why not! The long term benefits which marriage gives back to society in terms of health and well-being, productivity, input from fathers, child care, children's education and development etc etc ought to be recognised and encouraged.
We should strive to give our children the gift of growing up with both parents, living in a committed and loving relationship, enjoying the highs and working through the inevitable lows. Remember, relationship patterns jump to the next generation.
“Why does marriage matter?” was the issue under discussion. The debate centred around why we should want to promote marriage above cohabitation and should the Govt favour one over the other, in the tax system.
A number of things struck me. Firstly, Kaye Adams hosted the programme very well and was very fair to all sides and did so with good humour. She led a very good discussion.
Secondly. It is ok, up to a point, to speak from personal experience. But, whatever your experience is, someone else will argue from theirs. So how do you decide which is the most valid? And who decides? People need to discuss on the basis of more than personal experience. What does the evidence actually point to? And the fact that marriages are 4 times more likely to succeed than cohabitations is telling.
Thirdly. Individual cases do not make the rule. We heard from a number of cohabitees who have been together 25 years or more, which is undoubtedly commendable. Some are celebrating by getting married! (Why bother now, I wonder?) But on the bigger scale, the level of trends in society, these are the exceptions. Only 4% of cohabitations will last 10 years or more. The majority will break-up within 5 years. Take 100 Cohabitees. 74 will still be together in 5 years time. 26 will not. Take 100 couples who marry. 91 will still be together in 5 years time. 9 will not. The difference is great. The social and emotional cost huge. And the key element is to do with commitment.
This is the main difference between the two. In the purely private arrangement of cohabitation the door is ajar. In the publicly commitment of marriage the door is closed. Not in the sense of being trapped but rather as a way of saying, we are a couple and we intend to stay together for our own benefit, for the benefit of any children and the good of wider society. The Counsellor on the programme was correct when she said, “Marriage has been devalued. We need to revalue commitment.” People chose to express their commitment in different ways other than marriage. They have a baby as a sign of commitment. Or they take out a mortgage as a sign. Is that enough?
My last reflection is about “Legacy.” What are we modelling for our children with regard to relationships? If it is true that cohabitations are the preferred lifestyle choice of the majority and if it is true that they are intrinsically more fragile than marriages irrespective of the age of the couples involved, then what are our children witnessing, experiencing and absorbing as a model for their own future? Fragility? Impermanence? There is plenty of evidence that relationship patterns jump to the next generation. So the way our parents behave influences the way their children will behave. The same can be said of bad marriages of course.
We are in danger of perpetuating a skepticism about relationships. They probably don’t work. So my attitude to any future one is deeply coloured by what I have known at home and learned from society. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Entering a relationship with such a low expectation of hope of success surely doesn’t bode well for the couple. What is it that kills off relationships in the end, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis? Loss of hope. Well, if you start with fragile hope, where does that lead in the end?
As for tax benefits for married couples? Why not! The long term benefits which marriage gives back to society in terms of health and well-being, productivity, input from fathers, child care, children's education and development etc etc ought to be recognised and encouraged.
We should strive to give our children the gift of growing up with both parents, living in a committed and loving relationship, enjoying the highs and working through the inevitable lows. Remember, relationship patterns jump to the next generation.
Wednesday 2 February 2011
She said. He said.
Comments from a recent evening of Marriage Preparation.
5 couples. All Co-habiting.
She said: I was intrigued at the prospect of doing some marriage preparation. At the end of the evening I feel reassured and motivated.
He said: I felt just ok about coming on the evening but now that I have been here I feel motivated.
She said: I was nervous about coming to the evening. Now, having been here I feel excited.
He said: I was intrigued at the thought of coming. I now feel reassured.
She said: I enjoyed having time to sit and talk with my fiancée. This evening has given us loads of ideas of things to discuss at home.
He said: This has been a very useful evening. It has highlighted some important aspects that are critical in daily life.
“Love Well. Live Well” – Key Skills For A Healthy Relationship.
2 hours which could make all the difference.
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