When two people are talking at the same time, no one is listening. Consequently, there is no communication. For conversation to be meaningful it requires talking and listening. How hard can that be? Yet, 87 % of those who divorce say their main problem was that they could not communicate. Everybody Wins
Listening begins with an attitude. If I choose to believe that every person I encounter is made in God's image; that their thoughts and feelings are important, then I am prepared to listen. If I think that the world revolves around me; that my ideas are all that counts, then why should I listen to anyone else? Many couples don't have a communication problem, they have an attitude problem.
If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen. Listening leads to understanding. Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response. When I speak before I listen, I'm simply throwing words into the wind.
May I give you a practical suggestion for this Christmas week?
When your spouse begins talking, about anything, imagine yourself having huge elephant ears. Have you heard the expression, "I'm all ears"? That's what I'm talking about. Don't think about how you are going to respond. Focus on making sure you understand the thoughts and feelings of your spouse. Then, when it's your turn to talk, your spouse can put on the elephant ears.
Dr Gary Chapman.
Friday 24 December 2010
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Footloose At 50
People over 50 are not staid and settled but are in fact among the most promiscuous of the population, according to a recent survey. The rising statistics revealed a quarter of this age group cheat on their partner, while one in six said they never used contraception with a new lover.
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
Monday 6 December 2010
Amnesia
My wife is constantly amazed by me. What she finds most remarkable(or is it frustrating?) is that I can remember the most trivial of information – especially about sport or films from years ago – but I somehow have difficulty remembering who came to Sunday lunch two weeks ago!
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
In The Days Before Harry Potter.............
In the days before Harry Potter, I wonder how many of us had heard the name “Hermione?” My first introduction to Hermione was in school. She was 4ft 0”, bow-legged, had a high pitched voice and trailed a small black and brown Dacshound along on a lead. She was my tennis coach, having been taught herself by the legendary Dan Maskill. These were the days of two rackets, wooden, with gut and superlastic strings – one for dry and one for wet weather. No one played two handed, grunted or wore anything other than white. Then along came the two-handed Chris Evert and metal rackets wielded by Jimmy Connors. The local club house was Wimbledon green.
Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)
The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.
Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)
The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
Fan Of John Wayne?
Are you a John Wayne fan? Yes? No! He’s ok sometimes? Well, one of his films was the stereotypical West of Ireland story, “The Quiet Man” in which he was chasing the red-haired Maureen O Hara to become his wife. They were both humourously subjected to “very strict guidelines” by the local match-maker as to what was appropriate behaviour during the courtship. It was all very quaint and he got the girl in the end.
In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.
As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.
“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.
Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.
In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.
As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.
“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.
Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.
Friday 29 October 2010
Signs Of Autumn.
The un-mistakable signs of autumn are here. Leaves all over the garden. Sharp sunlight through beautiful trees. Pleasure driving up the A9, would you believe it! Drains and guttering blocked with dead foliage. Winnie The Pooh being blown up in the air with Piglet. A nip in the air when you are on your bike. Blustery wind and leaves scurrying along the streets like rioters running higgledy piggledy from the Police. The debate yet again about GMT or Central European time. It is a beautiful season.
In his book, “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” Gary Chapman identifies the autumn season in a marriage as anything other than beautiful. Externally all can seem ok to on-lookers but inside the marriage things are changing. Characteristics of a marriage in autumn are fear, sadness, uncertainty, emotional depletion. The underlying assumption has been that in the daily life of the home the marriage will take care of itself. However, neglect of the couple relationship is the number one factor leading to autumn; a progressive distancing (not necessarily deliberately) from one another as they pursue the routines of life and our own personal interests. Drifting apart. Add to this, a failure to deal with and resolve issues and the move into winter may be inevitable. But it need not be as inevitable as it is with nature for we have the power to affect change.
Two simple steps can be taken as a first move back to spring or summer. Firstly,Listening. “Few things are more important in moving a marriage from autumn or winter back into spring or summer than the awesome power of empathetic listening.” Make time and take the time to talk and listen, without judging, advice giving, criticism. Listen in order to understand and appreciate. Reconnect with each other beyond surface level. The gift of good listening is therapeutic and healing and bestows value and worth on the other person.
Secondly,Serving. Focus on the needs of your spouse before yourself. 3 questions for your spouse. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband or wife?
It is evitable that the Scottish winter is coming, we cannot stop it and hopefully we will have enough grit this year! But winter need not come in our relationships.
Recommended: “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. Publ. Tyndale House.
Tuesday 26 October 2010
Saga Divorce.
The children have flown the nest and, as thoughts turn to retirement, the years ahead should be an opportunity to enjoy life as a couple. But it appears the baby boom generation are filing for divorce.
Many over-50s ending their ¬marriages blame a lack of love and intimacy in their relationship, according to a survey. Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. The research also found that 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.
The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was emotionally cold. Unsurprisingly, nagging also scored highly, featuring in 14 per cent of answers given by 1,900 divorcees aged 50 and over. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they had simply run out of things to talk about.
Figures from the Office for National Statistics revealed that divorce among the over-50s peaked in 2004 at around 25,000-a-year before a slight fall to the current annual rate of 22,000. Known as the ‘Saga divorce’, experts believe many couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their futures when their offspring fly the nest.
The survey found that money was also one of the reasons given in over-50s divorce cases, with 9 per cent of those quizzed complaining that their partner failed to contribute enough financially to the relationship and 8 per cent saying their other half spent too much money. Work also caused problems, with 8 per cent blaming a job that made life difficult and 5 per cent unhappy that their partner flirted with friends or colleagues. A significant number of couples cited family issues, with 5 per cent saying they had waited for their children to move out before separating. For 4 per cent it was parents or parents-in-law who made things difficult.
The survey was carried out by Saga Legal Services, which specialises in products for the over-50s.
Many over-50s ending their ¬marriages blame a lack of love and intimacy in their relationship, according to a survey. Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. The research also found that 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.
The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was emotionally cold. Unsurprisingly, nagging also scored highly, featuring in 14 per cent of answers given by 1,900 divorcees aged 50 and over. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they had simply run out of things to talk about.
Figures from the Office for National Statistics revealed that divorce among the over-50s peaked in 2004 at around 25,000-a-year before a slight fall to the current annual rate of 22,000. Known as the ‘Saga divorce’, experts believe many couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their futures when their offspring fly the nest.
The survey found that money was also one of the reasons given in over-50s divorce cases, with 9 per cent of those quizzed complaining that their partner failed to contribute enough financially to the relationship and 8 per cent saying their other half spent too much money. Work also caused problems, with 8 per cent blaming a job that made life difficult and 5 per cent unhappy that their partner flirted with friends or colleagues. A significant number of couples cited family issues, with 5 per cent saying they had waited for their children to move out before separating. For 4 per cent it was parents or parents-in-law who made things difficult.
The survey was carried out by Saga Legal Services, which specialises in products for the over-50s.
Thursday 14 October 2010
Being At The Commonwealth Games.
So, the countdown has begun to 2014 and Glasgow. The end of the Delhi Games was as spectacular as the beginning with lots of great action in between. The last time the Games were in Scotland, I was there. Edinburgh 1986. I was on a placement from College in London and since I was staying in Musselburgh it was a short stop to Meadowbank Stadium for the Athletics.
I recall it well. Seeing one, Ben Johnson, run the 100 metres. Watching the Irish Hammer Thrower, Martin Girvan chuck 4 of his throws into the side netting but still manage to win the competition! (That’s talent!) But the real memory for me was the 10,000 metres. 26 laps.
When the race began it was not long before it became clear that there was a huge discrepancy of talent on show. A couple of runners were gradually becoming detached from the main race. Had it been me, I would have quietly stepped off the track and snuck away. But the two at the back ran manfully on together and kept each other company despite being lapped often. By the time they finished, all the other competitors were having their warm down and showers. It appeared to be embarrassing but when they finished the race they received a bigger cheer than the winner!
It has been said that the hardest part in a marriage is in the middle, when routines are set, habits are formed and we are completely familiar with most things about our partner. We can unwittingly stop making time for one another as we are “engrossed” in all the necessary duties and things to be done. We can take each other for granted. Before we know it we can quietly grow apart. And there may be other reasons – our career has peaked, there are elderly relatives to look after, children may be in the teenage years and in “outer space”, and there might be money issues. Maybe you are not getting on so well either anymore and rather than bale out, you thole it!
Deliberately making time for each other is crucial. If it has been absent then start, not with a huge big holiday where you are still living as strangers but with 10-15 minutes each day just listening and talking and then move on to short dates etc. and time away together. Rekindle the experience of being great company and great craic, as you were in your “walking out” days.
And if things are not going well remember, you committed to being a team, running together and not in opposition, when you made your vows. Help each other across the line as the two athletes did in Edinburgh even if the glory appeared to be somewhere else. Run together, encourage each other on the way.(And beware of confiding your woes to a third party, especially of the opposite sex. That’s a recipe for disaster.)
Mexico, 1968. Out of the cold darkness he came. John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzania entered at the far end of the stadium, pain hobbling his every step, his leg bloody and bandaged. The winner of the marathon had been declared over an hour earlier. Only a few spectators remained. But the lone runner pressed on. As he crossed the finish line, the small crowd roared out its appreciation. Afterward, a reporter asked the runner why he had not retired from the race, he answered:
"My country did not send me to Mexico City to start the race. They sent me to finish."
Finish together. Finish well. And leave your children the legacy of a good example, which they, most likely, will follow.
(Recommended Reading: “The 5 love Languages,” / “The 4 Seasons of Marriage” by Gary Chapman Publ. Northfield)
Monday 11 October 2010
Weddings Are Easy. Marriages Are Difficult.
Last week on Radio Scotland there was a discussion about the debt people find themselves in, when it comes to paying for their wedding. At a recent Wedding Fayre, the idea of preparing for your marriage elicited laughter amongst some of the public who came to plan their wedding. Amongst others it was a complete novelty for them to meet someone actually interested in promoting preparatioin for life beyond the big day. In retrospect, being at a Wedding Fayre to promote Marriage preparation (the very place you think it would be worth being) is a complete waste of time and money.The prophetic words of Eugene Peterson, written in 1983 come to mind.
“When I talk with people who come to me in preparation for marriage I often say, Weddings are easy, marriages are difficult.” The couple want to plan a wedding, I want to plan a marriage. They want to know where the bridesmaids will stand, I want to develop a plan for forgiveness. They want to discuss the music of the wedding, I want to talk about the emotions of the marriage. I can do a wedding in twenty minutes with my eyes shut. But a marriage takes year after year if alert wide-eyed attention.
Weddings are important. They are beautiful, they are impressive, they are emotional. Sometimes they are expensive. We weep at weddings and laugh at weddings. We take care to be at the right place at the right time and say the right words. Where people stand is important. The way people dress is significant. Every detail, this flower, that candle, is memorable. All the same, weddings are easy.
But marriages are complex and difficult. In marriage we work out in every detail of life the promises and commitments spoken at the wedding. In marriage we develop the long and rich life of faithful love that the wedding announces. The event of the wedding without the life of the marriage doesn’t amount to much. It hardly matters if the man and the woman dress up in their wedding clothes and re-enact the ceremony every anniversary and say, “I’m married, I’m married, I’m married” if there is no daily love shared, if there is no continuing tenderness, no attentive listening, no inventive giving, no creative blessing.” (Eugene Peterson "The Quest" Used by permission.)
Monday 4 October 2010
Fatherfile: Early Days
2nd day, second migraine- me that is! In hospital by 2.30pm. Both Hamish and his mum are asleep and having a good rest which is what they need. It seems very odd calling this child, Hamish. He is ours. That’s his name. I look at his little ears like small lettuces and the intricate joints on his fingers and am reminded of the words of Psalm 139 “fearfully and wonderfully made.”
The changing of the beds in the ward, some people leaving, others arriving. It prompts in me the same thoughts surrounding my dad’s funeral. Hamish’s birth and my dad’s passing, both very intense experiences and in a way all-consuming but then things move on and life moves on and you are no longer the focus, so to speak.
Cradling his head is like holding a warm coconut in your hand.
He is funny when he cries with his red face and toothless grin. I will recall this when I am 95 and crying with a toothless grin myself!
Today I saw two people in him – my dad and my dad’s brother.
What is really bugging me is that he is already getting more Christmas presents than me.
I awake thinking the pleasure will soon be over but it won’t for he is coming home with us. He is ours.
Not a good first night. He was up 4-5 times and we struggled a bit coping. How easy for a new child to cause strain between parents.
A friend came and gave us some help with the housework. What a blessing!
Another not very good night. Baby up from 1-4pm. It is frustrating not being able to calm his troublesome tummy – Colic. I feel guilty about feeling frustrated and wound up. Cradling him in my arms I go down stairs and watch Brazilian football on TV and let him cry himself out.
Santa came. Predictably Hamish got more than me.
The changing of the beds in the ward, some people leaving, others arriving. It prompts in me the same thoughts surrounding my dad’s funeral. Hamish’s birth and my dad’s passing, both very intense experiences and in a way all-consuming but then things move on and life moves on and you are no longer the focus, so to speak.
Cradling his head is like holding a warm coconut in your hand.
He is funny when he cries with his red face and toothless grin. I will recall this when I am 95 and crying with a toothless grin myself!
Today I saw two people in him – my dad and my dad’s brother.
What is really bugging me is that he is already getting more Christmas presents than me.
I awake thinking the pleasure will soon be over but it won’t for he is coming home with us. He is ours.
Not a good first night. He was up 4-5 times and we struggled a bit coping. How easy for a new child to cause strain between parents.
A friend came and gave us some help with the housework. What a blessing!
Another not very good night. Baby up from 1-4pm. It is frustrating not being able to calm his troublesome tummy – Colic. I feel guilty about feeling frustrated and wound up. Cradling him in my arms I go down stairs and watch Brazilian football on TV and let him cry himself out.
Santa came. Predictably Hamish got more than me.
Friday 24 September 2010
Flying By The Seat of Your Pants.
I said,” Can I give you an invitation to a short evening course on preparing for life beyond the Wedding day?” She said, “Oh.....ah.....eh.....well, actually this is my second time at it, so if you don’t mind, this time round I think I will just fly by the seat of my pants!” I said, “Well, I hope you are wearing good pants!”
Flying by the seat of your pants was a dangerous venture, the activity of World War One pilots whose early navigation systems often failed, leaving them to fly by the vibrations of the plane, experienced through their pants.
Couples who succeed in their relationship are the ones who intentionally invest time in learning what makes for success and who look after their relationship, making time for each other in the midst of parenting, work and other commitments.
This is especially important when entering a second marriage. We can carry negative baggage with us from our previous experience and assume, new start, better start, without ever having worked through as an individual or a new couple some of the issues which contributed to our past failure. Negatives patterns of behaviour reappear and repeat themselves, sadly. This is, truly, flying by the seat of your pants, so it is not surprising that the failure rate of second marriages can be as high as 80%.
The short courses and resources available through “X Plus Y” are designed to point couples in the right direction and equip them for their future together. Relationships don’t need to come crashing to the ground.
Flying by the seat of your pants was a dangerous venture, the activity of World War One pilots whose early navigation systems often failed, leaving them to fly by the vibrations of the plane, experienced through their pants.
Couples who succeed in their relationship are the ones who intentionally invest time in learning what makes for success and who look after their relationship, making time for each other in the midst of parenting, work and other commitments.
This is especially important when entering a second marriage. We can carry negative baggage with us from our previous experience and assume, new start, better start, without ever having worked through as an individual or a new couple some of the issues which contributed to our past failure. Negatives patterns of behaviour reappear and repeat themselves, sadly. This is, truly, flying by the seat of your pants, so it is not surprising that the failure rate of second marriages can be as high as 80%.
The short courses and resources available through “X Plus Y” are designed to point couples in the right direction and equip them for their future together. Relationships don’t need to come crashing to the ground.
Monday 13 September 2010
24/7
I like language and words. My learning style would primarily be wordy, bookish rather than pictorial or visual. Words and phrases fascinate me. Words like “spaltering”, “discombobulate” and place-names like “Broughmore”, “Culfeitrin”, “Achnasheen” and “Latherin’ Wheel”– they have mystery, music and story in them.
But there are words and phrases which grind with me these days: “Toxic Assets” for example. Or, “ I hear what you say”- which basically means I hear you but will be ignoring your views. From my youth I used to hate the phrase, “Game cancelled” which usually appeared on the school PE notice board at 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon and meant I had no game on Saturday and would be obliged to turn up to my Saturday job at the local butchers. Even worse was the phrase, “Go behind the goals for ten minutes” which meant I was yellow carded for some crime or misdemeanour!
24/7 is fairly near the top of my list of undesirables. It smacks of all day, every day living with no lights out. A world of incessant activity, work and altered bio-rythyms which can cause chaos. A world we seem to be caught up in, for the need to find employment can necessarily mean shift work for some of us.
The down side is that as couples our time with each other and our children can take on strange dimensions. In some counselling situations it is very difficult to see both parties together because of shift lives. Not only do we have the rise of shift-couples but shift-parenting. (Parenting is of course the original 24/7 activity!) Anti-social work patterns can play havoc with family life. In the 24/7 shift-work culture, time that parents have as a couple has been the main casualty, since parents tend to give priority to time with their children and the family as a whole.
It behoves us in the 24/7 context to work very diligently to keep our relationship with our partner as a top priority. Make time, find time, plan time for one another away from the parenting responsibilities. Rediscover the pleasure of each other’s uninterrupted company.
Finally I would like to apologise for using the odious “24/7” so often in this piece.
But there are words and phrases which grind with me these days: “Toxic Assets” for example. Or, “ I hear what you say”- which basically means I hear you but will be ignoring your views. From my youth I used to hate the phrase, “Game cancelled” which usually appeared on the school PE notice board at 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon and meant I had no game on Saturday and would be obliged to turn up to my Saturday job at the local butchers. Even worse was the phrase, “Go behind the goals for ten minutes” which meant I was yellow carded for some crime or misdemeanour!
24/7 is fairly near the top of my list of undesirables. It smacks of all day, every day living with no lights out. A world of incessant activity, work and altered bio-rythyms which can cause chaos. A world we seem to be caught up in, for the need to find employment can necessarily mean shift work for some of us.
The down side is that as couples our time with each other and our children can take on strange dimensions. In some counselling situations it is very difficult to see both parties together because of shift lives. Not only do we have the rise of shift-couples but shift-parenting. (Parenting is of course the original 24/7 activity!) Anti-social work patterns can play havoc with family life. In the 24/7 shift-work culture, time that parents have as a couple has been the main casualty, since parents tend to give priority to time with their children and the family as a whole.
It behoves us in the 24/7 context to work very diligently to keep our relationship with our partner as a top priority. Make time, find time, plan time for one another away from the parenting responsibilities. Rediscover the pleasure of each other’s uninterrupted company.
Finally I would like to apologise for using the odious “24/7” so often in this piece.
Thursday 9 September 2010
Buying Flowers.
It was a most amusing incident. I had gone into a shop to buy flowers for a family funeral. While I was there I unexpectedly met someone I had not seen for some time. Her immediate comment to me as I stood there with the flowers was, “Oh, what have you done?” humourously suggesting I was on a peace mission. And so we chatted and moved on.
As I left the shop, flowers in hand, I met another person I had not seen for awhile and she looked at me and said, “Oh someone is in for a treat!” humouroulsy suggesting I was intending to surprise my wife. This all made me laugh later, for one had thought the worst and the other had thought the best.
When things are out of kilter in a relationship we can get into a mindset of distrust. We think the worst of the other person and are suspicious. It might be rooted in how we were treated in the past by others such as our parents or a teacher and so we have developed a bad habit in our present relationship. We misinterpret situations. Thinking the worst can put us on the defensive when there is absolutely no need for it. The best way to deal with it is to ask questions. Talk about whatever is happening. Clarify.
“Asking questions doesn’t stop me from thinking the worst but it does make me more likely to check out whether or not my thoughts are justified.” says Harry Benson
Love always thinks the best. Always hopes. Always perseveres.
You can read about Good Habits. Bad Habits in “Letssticktogether” by Harry Benson.
Publ. Lion 2010
Friday 3 September 2010
Robbie & Gaz
It has been big news over the last months that Robbie Williams is back in “Take That.” Recently on a BBC entertainment site there was an interview by Chris Moyles. Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams were talking about the reunion.
Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.
Apologising and saying sorry in a relationship are absolutely crucial. No relationship can survive without it and often it is about saying sorry for small hurtful things said or done. Of course, there will be those who need to apologise over bigger issues.
What “excitement and liberation” might attend your relationship if you took the first step and said sorry for specific words and actions which have grieved your partner and under-mined your relationship! You too may experience the “load off your shoulders” and the return of “magical moments” together. And with apologising, it is not a one off. It needs to be on-going.
Trouble is, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” said Elton John. But then again, it is nice being able to be grown up and say sorry and mean it.
Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.
Apologising and saying sorry in a relationship are absolutely crucial. No relationship can survive without it and often it is about saying sorry for small hurtful things said or done. Of course, there will be those who need to apologise over bigger issues.
What “excitement and liberation” might attend your relationship if you took the first step and said sorry for specific words and actions which have grieved your partner and under-mined your relationship! You too may experience the “load off your shoulders” and the return of “magical moments” together. And with apologising, it is not a one off. It needs to be on-going.
Trouble is, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” said Elton John. But then again, it is nice being able to be grown up and say sorry and mean it.
Monday 30 August 2010
Molatov Cocktail
Many years ago I lived in a flat with paper walls. Unfortunately, I could hear a lot. A young couple, newly married and active. But it was the activity of domestic abuse. By all accounts a nice young couple. But underneath?
Through these walls
The sounds of rushing
From room to room
Muffled shouts
Banging doors
Temper
And female sobbing.
Then silence.
Later
As usual on one of these nights
The sounds of sex.
I meet the man
Unexpectedly the next day
Behind his desk
At the JobCentre Plus
Advising me
Of ways to improve my life.
What we see in front of us can be deceiving. Marriages can be deceptive. On the face of it all can seem well whilst underneath there can be real issues, though not always as serious as this couple. A marriage might look to everyone else as if it is in summer. But behind closed doors it could just as well be in autumn or deepest winter. Often when a marriage splits, friends say they had no inkling whatsoever that anything was wrong. They never saw it coming.
“When we think of relationship counselling” says Paul Tournier, “We think immediately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples who frequently come to violent blows. But there are many others which deserve our attention and care because their marriage or relationship is no less a failure. They live side by side, without hurting one another but poles apart because of no real understanding of one another.”
Research suggests that people can wait up to 6 years before going for help when things are under strain. Perhaps it’s denial. Or a fear of acknowledging failure. Maybe it’s a case of not knowing where to go or what is available. Sometimes only one partner is willing, usually but not always the woman. For others their relationship can be in the late stages of autumn or already in winter and they may think there is no way out of the freeze. In some cases it may simply be fear that stops couples from getting help, support, counsel.
It’s never too late. Relationships can move from winter back into spring though the road may be hard. Obviously, the sooner help is sought in any situation the better. If things are not going well behind closed doors, make that call, set up that appointment. Don’t let it drift or hope it will mend itself if you buy a house together, decide to have a child as a way of bolstering things or redecorate the lounge and move the furniture around.
If you are married and merely existing together, yet without hurting one another, in a relationship in which you are emotionally poles apart, make it a priority to spend more time together. Begin with 10-15 minutes a night just sitting talking and listening. And do again some of the enjoyable things you did together in the early days. Date one another. Rediscover the pleasure of presence and good conversation. Rekindle the delight of the early days.
If you are struggling and need to talk to someone, please get in touch: info@xplusy.co.uk
Wednesday 18 August 2010
Down Under - A Step In The Right Direction?
National Marriage Coalition of Australia declares breakthrough as Coalition announces marriage education voucher plan On 12th August 2010, at the annual National Marriage Day celebration dinner held in Sydney, The Shadow Minister for Families, Kevin Andrews, announced a new policy to support and strengthen Australian marriages reports SmartMarriages.
The Coalition Government, if elected, will provide a $200 marriage education voucher for those couples wanting to be better prepared for marriage. Gerard Calilhanna, a spokesman for the National Marriage Coalition said, “This is a major breakthrough for marriage. We have been waiting for this for a long time.
The Marriage Manifesto, which was released to both the Labor and Coalition governments in 2007 at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood on 18 September 2007, says (Point 8, page 8), “Support Marriage and parenting education programs considering marriage or seeking to improve their family relationships by: introduce a $200 voucher system for marriage preparation courses available to all couples planning to marry.” These policy proposals are now coming to pass.”
Mary-Louise Fowler said, “This is the best news for marriage we have heard from any government since the confirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman through the marriage amendment act in 2004. We call upon the Labor Government to support this important initiative on a bi-partisan basis as they did in 2004 because we need to promote a renewed culture of marriage within our nation for the common good of all.”
Dr. Allan Carlson Convenor of the World Congress of the Family, who addressed the capacity crowd at the York Conference Centre said, “Thousands of recent research projects in the fields of sociology, psychology, anthropology, and medicine all testify to one truth: children predictably do best when they are born into a married-couple home and raised by their two natural parents.”
The Coalition Government, if elected, will provide a $200 marriage education voucher for those couples wanting to be better prepared for marriage. Gerard Calilhanna, a spokesman for the National Marriage Coalition said, “This is a major breakthrough for marriage. We have been waiting for this for a long time.
The Marriage Manifesto, which was released to both the Labor and Coalition governments in 2007 at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood on 18 September 2007, says (Point 8, page 8), “Support Marriage and parenting education programs considering marriage or seeking to improve their family relationships by: introduce a $200 voucher system for marriage preparation courses available to all couples planning to marry.” These policy proposals are now coming to pass.”
Mary-Louise Fowler said, “This is the best news for marriage we have heard from any government since the confirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman through the marriage amendment act in 2004. We call upon the Labor Government to support this important initiative on a bi-partisan basis as they did in 2004 because we need to promote a renewed culture of marriage within our nation for the common good of all.”
Dr. Allan Carlson Convenor of the World Congress of the Family, who addressed the capacity crowd at the York Conference Centre said, “Thousands of recent research projects in the fields of sociology, psychology, anthropology, and medicine all testify to one truth: children predictably do best when they are born into a married-couple home and raised by their two natural parents.”
Tuesday 10 August 2010
Tomato Soup, Roast Potatoes & Swiss Army Knives
Families are all different. And each has its own traditions. Sometimes you only discover these once you are married. For example – tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch! I’m sorry, run that past me again dear. “We always have tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch.” “But we never have tomato soup at Christmas time and................ where are the roast potatoes?” “Oh we never have roast potatoes at Christmas.” It’s a bit of a shock as you have to make an immediate cultural adjustment right there in front of the extended family with a steaming hot plate of tomato soup whilst craving a couple of crispy roast potatoes. Such little adjustments are part of the marriage game. Get used to it. There will be others.
The other tradition which is intriguing relates to the Swiss Army Knife. At a certain point in time in my wife’s family you are given a Swiss Army Knife. They are great things, highly treasured and immensely versatile. But it can get a bit stressful if you have forgotten it is in your hand luggage and some eagle-eyed official removes it and threatens to bin your precious possession as you are going through security at Edinburgh Airport. That’s the time you hastily run back to the paper shop, buy a padded envelope and post it home to yourself before just, just, just making your flight.
Swiss Army Knives are legendary. In the original range there is the Spartan, the Camper, the Hiker, the Huntsman, the Fisherman, the Explorer..............and others. Then there is the All Blacks, the Crystal Collection, the Executive Collection and others including the 125th Victorinox Soldier Heritage Knife – a replica of the original knife of 1891. They are an iconic brand and item. (No-one should be without one...except perhaps in Scotland where carrying a knife might get you arrested.)
Robbie Williams recently got married and said of his wife, ”She is my Swiss Army Knife.” She is obviously muti-purposeful and versatile. It is a great thing to find a good wife. The writer of the Book of Proverbs in the Bible says, ”A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life.” Perhaps a William’s translation would be “A good wife, who can find her? She is like a Swiss Army Knife, useful in all sorts of scrapes.”
Charm can be deceptive and beauty fleeting but good character is precious in both a husband and a wife, far beyond our mere usefulness, which is not unimportant. Learning to serve one another, looking for the best in each other, being considerate, giving daily compliments can enhance every relationship.
Now, I need someone to go up on the roof and straighten the satellite dish.........doh!.........where is my Swiss Army Knife when I need her!
Friday 6 August 2010
Sat-Nav Therapy For Couples
We had visitors recently, whom we had not seen for years. They were Germans and doing a driving tour of Scotland. And they arrived exactly at our door first time, no wrong turns. It’s the SatNav which is the saviour!
It’s the holiday season and many of us have been away, sometimes driving long distances to our chosen destination, minus a SatNav but equipped with a good old fashioned map, on our partner’s lap. I wonder how many arguments accompanied us as we squabbled over the right or wrong directions, especially when abroad.
A new survey has confirmed what most of us knew already - getting lost while driving causes more family motoring rows than any other trigger. Almost two-thirds of those questioned said that disagreements had flared up as a result of their partner's poor navigation, with 80 percent of women complaining that their partners never bothered to check the route before setting off, compared to 65 percent of men who made the same complaint. More than 85 percent claimed that they argued because the driver refused to ask for directions in time.
The next biggest cause of motoring rows was on-going family squabbles continuing in the car after leaving home, according to a survey by Halfords. The third major cause of in-car arguments was children complaining that the trip was taking too long, followed in fourth place by the way in which the driver was driving the car.
Other causes of friction included the thoughtless actions of other road-users, road conditions including traffic jams - and choice of music. Nearly seven in 10 of 2,200 people surveyed admitted that they quarrelled in the car at least once a month, while nearly one in five said they argued at least once a week.
"Whilst we have no plans to extend our services into marriage guidance, we can offer a solution to the most frequent causes of in-car rows," said Paul McClenaghan, Halfords Commercial Director. "With our range of sat-nav systems, arguments about dreadful directions and terrible map-reading could become a thing of the past."
Tuesday 3 August 2010
Marriage Pit-Stop
Rob Parsons writes... When my son Lloyd was young, he’d love to watch motor-racing on television. It was one of the few occasions when Dianne and I could relax, safe in the knowledge that he would stay out of trouble at least until the end of the race! The only part he found at all frustrating was the pit stop. Why any racing driver should want to stop to get things checked over when everything’s going well was beyond him.
It’s like that for us ordinary motorists. The annoying thing about putting a car in for a service is that often it doesn’t seem to need it. It starts first time, it drives well – yet hours spent on the hard shoulder waiting for the break-down van to come have convinced me that the pit-stop principle is a sound one. It says: when things are good, take time out to check, renew, and get ready for…whatever!
This summer, thousands of couples will get married. They will declare their love and commitment to each other – many still choosing to say those ancient vows: ‘For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.’ There are so many positives in marriage, but, inescapably, every couple will undergo trauma of some kind or another during their relationship.
It’s wise not to presume that good times will be without interruption. That doesn’t mean being pessimistic – waking every morning and saying: ‘I bet the wheels fall off today’. It’s just that it’s good to live realistically.
Now and again, difficult times can creep up slowly from behind. They don’t suddenly hit you the moment before you read the note stuck to the fridge saying, ‘I can’t take this anymore – I’m going to my mother’s.’ It’s for that reason we need to take time out to check things over – even when we’re racing around the track at 110 mph and everything seems fine.
I always encourage couples who are getting married to make a commitment to take a regular, in-depth look at their relationship. This doesn’t replace the ordinary, everyday talks – or even rows! They are times – perhaps three or four a year – to set aside an evening or weekend simply to talk about us. It’s an opportunity to discuss, listen, and give each other the right to raise any issue. When couples manage to have these ‘pit stops’ regularly, they usually find it’s easier to raise issues without either party feeling threatened.
Those pit stops may hold some surprises. They may show that a fantastic father or mother needs to be a good husband or wife as well. They may reveal that one of the partners is beginning to feel ’part of the furniture’. And a couple may realize that unless they put an end to those sarcastic comments, the hurt caused will result in them drifting further and further apart.
The wedding ceremony is almost over. Let’s listen in: ‘Will you take this man …this woman…’ I’d love to ask also, ‘Will you take these wedding vows so seriously that you’ll put aside time to specifically reflect on your relationship?’ ‘Will you build up stores in the good years, to take you through the lean times?’ ‘And will you work at being not just lovers, but friends?’
For all those who are getting married this summer, may they know love for a lifetime. And for us, also, let’s not take anything for granted, but make time for those regular pit stops that will help keep our love for each other on track.
* Don’t assume you will never go through difficult times
* Realise how quickly – and even silently – hurts can build up
* Don’t let other pressures squeeze out those pit stop checks
* Be gentle. Let’s listen more than we talk – remember that winning the argument is not as important as it first appears.
Rob Parsons writes for Care For The Family. More of their excellent resources can be found on-line at www.careforthefamily.org.uk
It’s like that for us ordinary motorists. The annoying thing about putting a car in for a service is that often it doesn’t seem to need it. It starts first time, it drives well – yet hours spent on the hard shoulder waiting for the break-down van to come have convinced me that the pit-stop principle is a sound one. It says: when things are good, take time out to check, renew, and get ready for…whatever!
This summer, thousands of couples will get married. They will declare their love and commitment to each other – many still choosing to say those ancient vows: ‘For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.’ There are so many positives in marriage, but, inescapably, every couple will undergo trauma of some kind or another during their relationship.
It’s wise not to presume that good times will be without interruption. That doesn’t mean being pessimistic – waking every morning and saying: ‘I bet the wheels fall off today’. It’s just that it’s good to live realistically.
Now and again, difficult times can creep up slowly from behind. They don’t suddenly hit you the moment before you read the note stuck to the fridge saying, ‘I can’t take this anymore – I’m going to my mother’s.’ It’s for that reason we need to take time out to check things over – even when we’re racing around the track at 110 mph and everything seems fine.
I always encourage couples who are getting married to make a commitment to take a regular, in-depth look at their relationship. This doesn’t replace the ordinary, everyday talks – or even rows! They are times – perhaps three or four a year – to set aside an evening or weekend simply to talk about us. It’s an opportunity to discuss, listen, and give each other the right to raise any issue. When couples manage to have these ‘pit stops’ regularly, they usually find it’s easier to raise issues without either party feeling threatened.
Those pit stops may hold some surprises. They may show that a fantastic father or mother needs to be a good husband or wife as well. They may reveal that one of the partners is beginning to feel ’part of the furniture’. And a couple may realize that unless they put an end to those sarcastic comments, the hurt caused will result in them drifting further and further apart.
The wedding ceremony is almost over. Let’s listen in: ‘Will you take this man …this woman…’ I’d love to ask also, ‘Will you take these wedding vows so seriously that you’ll put aside time to specifically reflect on your relationship?’ ‘Will you build up stores in the good years, to take you through the lean times?’ ‘And will you work at being not just lovers, but friends?’
For all those who are getting married this summer, may they know love for a lifetime. And for us, also, let’s not take anything for granted, but make time for those regular pit stops that will help keep our love for each other on track.
* Don’t assume you will never go through difficult times
* Realise how quickly – and even silently – hurts can build up
* Don’t let other pressures squeeze out those pit stop checks
* Be gentle. Let’s listen more than we talk – remember that winning the argument is not as important as it first appears.
Rob Parsons writes for Care For The Family. More of their excellent resources can be found on-line at www.careforthefamily.org.uk
Monday 5 July 2010
Father File: Moving House.
My son and I moved residence on the same day. He decided to be born at 11.30pm on the very day that we moved to a new house. Both were traumatic for us boys! By the time he decided to make his appearance I was lying in the visitor’s room in the hospital asleep with a migraine. I had to be roused and hastily clad in gown and wellies for the emergency section.
In theatre, what I found peculiar was looking under the operating table and seeing the green wellies on the medical staff. And the very complicated machine which the anaethnatist was hovering over just by my wife’s head. But it paled into complete insignificance by comparison with the complex and magnificent beauty of our new born son. Those lettuce - like ears, the tiny perfectly working joints in his fingers. Long fingers, long toes, he is from my wife’s side of the family. After a clean-up and quick check he was remarkably calm when handed to me. Then he made a huge effort to open his eyes for the first time and having checked me out he then closed them and slept. I was the first person he ever set eyes on. What a thought!
We named him and found it very unusual calling him by his name. Not that it was an odd name but here we were – 3, no longer 2, with someone else in the house with his own name, personality, needs. “Name, though it seem but a superficial and outward matter, yet it carrieth much impression and enchantment” said Francis Bacon in 1625-ish. As he has grown he has certainly become his name. Hamish.
Later, well past midnight I scrambled home. In the midst of the birth experience – both Hamish and me moving house- I was left with a two day migraine.
Monday 28 June 2010
Buying Shoes
For a number of weeks I had been eyeing up a particular pair of shoes in the shop window. I finally persuaded my mum to give me the money to buy them, so off I set with high expectations. My friend worked as an assistant in the shop and he served me. “Can I try on that pair of brown shoes in the window please?” He brought them over. My excitement was very quickly tempered as I realised they were too small. There was no way I could get by with them. Seeing my acute disappointment he said, “Let me see if I have a size up from these in the store.” Off he went as I sat hopefully waiting. He returned with another pair and said, “Here, try these.” Having slipped them on and done a circuit of the shop I said in my delight, “Great, these are fine.” At which point he laughed out loud. “That is the same pair of shoes”, he said, “I just went round the corner and stood there for five minutes. I haven’t been to the store room!” He eventually went on from that shop to a job with a large shoe company, and I, every time I enter a shoe shop, have become much more careful!
It makes perfect sense to try on a pair of shoes before purchasing them. And this reflects some people’s attitude to marriage. “If it makes sense to try a pair of shoes before you purchase, than we are going to move in together before marriage to see if we are compatible. We are going to give it a trial run.” Perfectly sensible logic except that it is flawed.
With the high break-up rate of marriage it is not hard to understand why people think they should take every step possible in order to be sure their relationship will last. However, Scott Stanley of the University of Denver says there is no research evidence anywhere which indicates that living together before marriage increases the possibility of the marriage being a success. In fact the opposite is true. The risk of break-up increases. Couples who live together before marriage are fifty percent more likely to break up than those who remain apart before the wedding. “But we are in the 50%” who won’t break up” some might say. Well, how can you be so sure? It is a big risk.
You can’t practice permanence. Marriage requires full commitment. “If the shoe fits, wear it!” might be true for your feet but not your relationship.
Monday 21 June 2010
Father File: The Pregnancy.
In the bar after the game, a friend, with great joy, told me that his wife of a year was now pregnant. We celebrated – he had a beer and I, being teetotal, had a mug of tea and some sandwiches. Many years later and far from there, I too found out that I was going to be a dad as my wife of less than a year was expecting. There was no beer, no mug of tea and sandwiches but deep down I felt like laughing. Thereafter there was a large quantity of Opel Fruits and Oranges consumed by my wife in that phase where there are strange cravings. Alas also, my wife had lots of sickness, which made me greatly appreciate the blessings of being a man. Occasional and debilitating man-flu is enough for me!
It struck me that there are so many things over which we have no control: you never know if you will be successful in conceiving in the first place: then you have no idea how your wife’s body will react: you don’t know if the pregnancy will go full term: you have no control over the sex of the child. Science and scientific knowledge is fantastic and we can live with the impression as human beings that we have it all sussed. But we don’t really. We are not total masters. Pregnancy and birth is one of those reality checks. We can do our best to increase the chances of success but we are not ultimately in control. It reminds us that there is still mystery and it ought to keep us humble.
Then came the books. I read none but digested them second hand late at night as my wife paraphrased them out loud while I tried desperately to listen to Radio 5 LIve at the same time. The birth facts were fascinating. The information very, very interesting
Equally mysterious, the scan. At 14 weeks exactly there is a small child in the womb, with its head moving, its hand reaching out and its wee legs bent underneath. An amazing sight, perfectly formed. The Irish poet, Paul Muldoon described an early black and white sonogram of his child in the womb as resembling nothing so much as a satellite map of Ireland, whereas a few weeks later it was so well defined he could see everything. Remarkable.
During those days I did not really know what to expect in the coming months. People can tell you about it up to a point. But nothing can adequately prepare you for the actual experience except for this – it would have been nice to have talked with other new fathers.
Thursday 17 June 2010
Servanthood.
I had never really appreciated the impact of the foot-washing story in the Christian Gospel of John, Chapter 13 until I went on holiday once to Greece. What prompted a red-head to venture to such a hot climate in the middle of summer, I just don’t know - It was scorching! In fact up to 900 people had died because of the heat that summer. The other bewildering fact was how many of the Scottish people in our group lay on the beach for long periods and barbecued themselves.
Having tramped around Athens one day I was tired and exhausted. Our group were required to wait for the bus to take us back to our camp site. (Now that’s another story – sleeping in a tent in a heat wave................) Anyway, there am I meandering about waiting for the bus. I wandered over to a fountain and put my feet in it. Suddenly in a eureka moment I appreciated the story in John 13. It was fantastic having my feet cleansed in a cool fountain. Absolute bliss. Cool feet. Clean feet. It was wonderful.
The servant-hood in John 13 is an example to us all. What can I do for my wife or partner which will give them that unexpected bliss and blessing. If I chose to find ways to bring that sort of rich experience to my partner what a difference might that make to the climate of our relationship. And it need not be something spectacular.
We had a visitor one day who came to tea. Having 3 children our kitchen often looks out of control (you can blame children for anything!) When all was finished about 7.30 we took the children to bed, fully expecting that after the bed-time routine we would descend at 9pm and have to start into the kitchen clear-up. To our surprise and utter delight, our visitor had cleared and washed the dishes and the kitchen was done by the time we reappeared. It was a foot-washing moment. We were so pleased and felt great and very, very thankful.
So. What might you do for your partner or a couple or someone you know, who could do with a foot-washing moment?
Having tramped around Athens one day I was tired and exhausted. Our group were required to wait for the bus to take us back to our camp site. (Now that’s another story – sleeping in a tent in a heat wave................) Anyway, there am I meandering about waiting for the bus. I wandered over to a fountain and put my feet in it. Suddenly in a eureka moment I appreciated the story in John 13. It was fantastic having my feet cleansed in a cool fountain. Absolute bliss. Cool feet. Clean feet. It was wonderful.
The servant-hood in John 13 is an example to us all. What can I do for my wife or partner which will give them that unexpected bliss and blessing. If I chose to find ways to bring that sort of rich experience to my partner what a difference might that make to the climate of our relationship. And it need not be something spectacular.
We had a visitor one day who came to tea. Having 3 children our kitchen often looks out of control (you can blame children for anything!) When all was finished about 7.30 we took the children to bed, fully expecting that after the bed-time routine we would descend at 9pm and have to start into the kitchen clear-up. To our surprise and utter delight, our visitor had cleared and washed the dishes and the kitchen was done by the time we reappeared. It was a foot-washing moment. We were so pleased and felt great and very, very thankful.
So. What might you do for your partner or a couple or someone you know, who could do with a foot-washing moment?
Saturday 12 June 2010
Father File: Father's Day.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He....
I have been remembering you
More often these days.
The warmth of your
Gentle hand-shake.
Your mild-mannerdness,
Integrity and the wide respect
You enjoyed.
Your quiet presence
In our home kitchen.
Watching you in your vest
With mirror, brush and razor,
Shaving in the early morning scullery.
Mountains of toast
And porridge for seven mouths.
But this, mostly.
You placing my picture
Twice in the Coleraine Chronicle.
I have been remembering you
More often these days.
The warmth of your
Gentle hand-shake.
Your mild-mannerdness,
Integrity and the wide respect
You enjoyed.
Your quiet presence
In our home kitchen.
Watching you in your vest
With mirror, brush and razor,
Shaving in the early morning scullery.
Mountains of toast
And porridge for seven mouths.
But this, mostly.
You placing my picture
Twice in the Coleraine Chronicle.
Friday 11 June 2010
Grow Old Together
We were walking along the road, by the sea. I was engaged at the time and she had been married for a number of years. As we chatted about marriage she said about her husband, “I just want to grow old with Charley.”
This came to mind recently as I listened to a track on the latest Glen Campbell CD. ( Remember him.......By The Time I Get To Pheonix, Wichita Lineman, Gentle On My Mind?) He has been away for some time and this was his new album. It is like an effort to create his old distinctive sound of the past. But at the end of the album he has a wonderful song called, “Grow Old Together” which to my surprise was written by John Lennon.
It is quite a thought. Growing old together with your spouse. What is equally surprising is that the divorce statistics for those in the upper years of life and marriage( age 55+) are some of the highest! Perhaps these couples have been miserable for a long time and with good health and not many years left, they are deciding to cut their losses and run. Have another life before they have no life left. Who can really tell?
And yet it need not be so. Marriages need not decline with the years. Perhaps a good place to start in changing the climate of your marriage would be to read, “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. The purpose of the book is to help you identify which season your marriage is in and to show you how to move away from the unsettledness of autumn or the coldness of winter toward the hopefulness of spring or the warmth and closeness of summer.
Friendships need not stagnate. Give you relationship the best possible care and attention even above the demands of children and work. “Grow Old Together” - Watch it on YouTube, as he walks out with Yoko Ono. And in the words of John Lennon, “God bless our love.”
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Marriage Therapy
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15
years they had been married. She went on and on and
on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved
and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured
over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of
time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied,
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I fish."
Sunday 6 June 2010
Father File: Photograph of My Father
Raymond Carver – the American short story writer and poet published a book in 1985 called “Fires”. It is a collection of essays and poems. Included in the book is a wonderful and moving essay called, “My Father’s Life” and a poem entitled, “Photograph Of My Father In His Twenty Second Year.” He says, “The poem was a way of trying to connect up with him” long after he had died.
Trying to connect with your father. For me there have been many connections with my own father. Many of them are memory connections made after his death. Sigmund Freud called the death of his father, “The most poignant loss of his life.” Sean Connery called it, “A shattering blow.” For me, it was not unexpected and I had been mentally preparing for it for some years, as I knew the day would eventually come. Neil Chethik, in his book, “Fatherloss. How Sons Of All Ages Come To Terms With The Deaths Of Their Dads”, says, “Each man seems to experience a significant reordering of his inner landscape.” The last ten years have been a reordering of my inner landscape since my father’s passing.
The other experience which has precipitated reflection has been that of becoming a dad. Raymond Carver said of his own life,”The biggest single influence on my writing, directly and indirectly, has been my two children. They were born before I was twenty and from beginning to end – some nineteen years in all – there wasn’t any area of my life where their heavy and often baleful influence didn’t reach.” There is no question about it. Children change your life and in ways you may not or could not have imagined. And not always as negatively as Carver experienced. But there were other pressures in his life at that time, specifically, not much money, cramped living space, both partners trying to work part-time and him trying to make it as a writer.
Fatherloss and Parenthood - defining experiences. Like Raymond Carver, I too have a photograph, a memory of my father, prompted by the news of how serious his illness was.
From A Photograph Of My Father As Young Man.
When they said,
Perhaps months or
A few weeks at the most,
I saw him again, as a young man
With a broad smile.
In love with life
And stepping out with friends
On O’Connell Street,
Coming from Lansdowne Road.
His open raincoat behaving with
Unruly exuberance
In the January wind.
Trying to connect with your father. For me there have been many connections with my own father. Many of them are memory connections made after his death. Sigmund Freud called the death of his father, “The most poignant loss of his life.” Sean Connery called it, “A shattering blow.” For me, it was not unexpected and I had been mentally preparing for it for some years, as I knew the day would eventually come. Neil Chethik, in his book, “Fatherloss. How Sons Of All Ages Come To Terms With The Deaths Of Their Dads”, says, “Each man seems to experience a significant reordering of his inner landscape.” The last ten years have been a reordering of my inner landscape since my father’s passing.
The other experience which has precipitated reflection has been that of becoming a dad. Raymond Carver said of his own life,”The biggest single influence on my writing, directly and indirectly, has been my two children. They were born before I was twenty and from beginning to end – some nineteen years in all – there wasn’t any area of my life where their heavy and often baleful influence didn’t reach.” There is no question about it. Children change your life and in ways you may not or could not have imagined. And not always as negatively as Carver experienced. But there were other pressures in his life at that time, specifically, not much money, cramped living space, both partners trying to work part-time and him trying to make it as a writer.
Fatherloss and Parenthood - defining experiences. Like Raymond Carver, I too have a photograph, a memory of my father, prompted by the news of how serious his illness was.
From A Photograph Of My Father As Young Man.
When they said,
Perhaps months or
A few weeks at the most,
I saw him again, as a young man
With a broad smile.
In love with life
And stepping out with friends
On O’Connell Street,
Coming from Lansdowne Road.
His open raincoat behaving with
Unruly exuberance
In the January wind.
Monday 31 May 2010
More Or Less?
Recently I was a guest at the celebration of a 30 year old marriage! The couple had invited family and some close friends to mark their 30th year as husband and wife. Like every other marriage it has been a life of ups and downs, joy and pain but their love and commitment to each other is deeper than it was at the start, in the heady days of romantic love.
Should this surprise us in a day and age when so many relationships are short term? It has been built on strong friendship, commitment before friends and God, and hard work at times. But also the recognition that the priority in the home has been their relationship. They have watched carefully over their friendship. Their love has deepened so that now, with the children up and away they have a vibrant, strong and enjoyable relationship. Their marriage is richer, deeper, fuller. It has not diminished with time. Like good wine it is continuing to mature and get better. It is in remarkable contrast to the story I heard of the couple divorcing in their seventies, with the wife saying she has been miserable for the last thirty years.
Speaking of the Biblical prophet, Jeremiah, Eugene Peterson says,”Some people as they grow (in age)become less. As children they have glorious ideas of who they are and what life has for them. Thirty years later we find they have settled for something grubby and inane. Other people as they grow become more. Life is not an inevitable decline into dullness; for some it is an ascent into excellence.” The same can be true of marriage. It can be an ascent into excellence and not an inevitable decline into dullness.
Neil Chethik who interviewed over 300 men for his book, “VoiceMale”, says, “Looking over many conversations with empty-nest husbands I was struck by how intentional the happiest couples are about investing in their relationship. By the time couples reach the twenty year mark............they realise that resting on their laurels, allowing momentum to carry them is not enough. If they want to remain happily married, they have to continue to invest in their relationship.“
It was Groucho Marx who said, “Marriage is a great institution. But who wants to live in an institution!” That sort of humorous cynicism reflects many people’s opinion. But there is no reason why a marriage cannot be like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter ‘til the full light of day. Many can bear testimony to it being so. Richer, deeper, fuller. More, not less.
Eugene Peterson, “The Quest” Used by permission Zondervan www.zondervan.com
Neil Chethik “VoiceMale” Publ Simon & Schuster
Thursday 27 May 2010
Finishing The Race.
It seemed like a good idea at first but by the time the 3 mile marker appeared I was wondering about the wisdom of it. I had entered the Moray Forest run through the beautiful Culbin Forest. In the end I made it over the line – second last, which put me in mind of the African athlete at the Mexico Olympics who finished the marathon an hour and a half after everyone else. His comment on being asked why he didn’t just stop when he was so far behind was very telling. He said, “I was not sent here to win but to finish the race.” I too was determined to finish the 5 miles. That was my goal.
In my case the car park was not quite empty when I arrived at the end! Culbin Forest is beautiful. There was pleasure and satisfaction in taking part but I would have enjoyed the run more had I done some training. Deciding off the cuff to run five miles is a bit crazy, risky, asking for agony. I could have been in better shape for it, prepared better.
Getting married is like running a long race. It is still the lifestyle choice of many and most young people when asked, aspire to it. (The “Wedding Business” is a huge industry) The great news is that the majority of marriages last a lifetime. But there is no question that relationships are under more and more pressure these days – work patterns, money issues etc. We can find ourselves in the middle of the race wondering what is going on, feeling pain, bewildered, wanting to opt out or alternatively doing just fine. I had never run five miles before; I had never been in the midst of the running fraternity before. It was all new to me. Marriage is an all-new experience, even for those who have lived together beforehand.
Marriage preparation is time well spent. You are preparing for a lifetime together. It makes complete sense to be as well prepared as you can so that you have some idea of the terrain, know what to expect, can give it your best and finish the race, having enjoyed the highs and run well together through the inevitable lows. One person I know told me that she still recalls what she learned on a preparation course 25 years ago.
Meticulous detail will be put into preparing for the big day. So, celebrate the Wedding. But prepare for the Marriage. Why not consider taking one of the courses offered through X plus Y so that you can run well together
For those who are already married - Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
.
Tuesday 25 May 2010
Murphy's Laws of Parenting.
· The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
· The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
· The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
· A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
· For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
· Toys multiply to fill any space available.
· Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
· If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.
· Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
· The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
· The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
· The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
· A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
· For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
· Toys multiply to fill any space available.
· Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
· If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.
· Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
· The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
Monday 17 May 2010
The Wild Swan
It wasn’t quite what I had expected when I said I would pay him a visit but then why should I have been surprised. After all, this was the man who once came to visit myself and some friends on the remote west coast of Ireland of an evening, by canoeing round a headland in the dark. So when he invited me to take a trip out to check his boat on the River Bann at nine o’clock on a pitch black October night it seemed typical.
There wasn’t a cloud in the heavens. The stars were picture perfect. There was no wind and the sound of our small engine travelled far. A slight night breeze freshened the face. And looming out of the dark, The Wild Swan came into view like a ghost ship.
Having clambered on board, we sat round a narrow table with knees tucked in, had green tea, no sugar and Digestive biscuits. It was perfectly quiet except for the small hissing tilly lamps which gave a shadowy atmosphere to the wooden cabin as we chatted about the past, sport, family life, the pictures fastened on the walls and how he had come to acquire the Swan.
She had belonged to a well known and respected sailor who had for years, taught many people how to sail this potentially treacherous coastal area. A coastline he knew like the back of his hand. She had been up around the Baltic Seas and had spent a year sailing in the Mediterranean.
One day out of the blue my friend had received a call to say that the Wild Swan had sunk. It had run aground along the very coastline of which the owner was so expert. But why? How could a sailor of such experience make such a horrendous mistake? Complacency, was my friends answer.
The call having been made, my friend was made an offer. Did he want the Swan which was at the bottom of the sea? He did indeed! And after extensive efforts it was raised to the surface and brought ashore.6 months hard work cleared the 4 feet of silt from inside the boat and another 3 years of renovation saw it back again on the water, almost fit for purpose.
Complacency. It is a subtle danger in our marriage. Having navigated the same stretch of daily life many, many times, we can assume the way ahead, take each other for granted. We assume that we will sail safely on, just as we have been doing. We become complacent.
When, for whatever reason, we fail to pay attention to our marriage we can find ourselves unaccountably sinking, or worse, at the bottom of the sea. Our marriage may not exhibit any of the extreme critical signs of crisis. We live, operate and exist without ever really hurting one another. Onlookers would never see any untoward signs. But we are slowly going under, drifting apart emotionally. And often it only shows itself when the children are up and gone and we realise we have nothing left for each other. We have been so child focused (why do so many marriages break up after 20 – 25 years?) or self –focused that we have neglected each other. Perhaps because things have been flat calm we have been able to sail on together for years presuming all is ok and all will be so. But we run aground. Recovery at times like this can be very costly but not impossible.
Michelle Weiner-Davis says,"When it comes to tough times in marriage, know this. Hope plus determination plus new skills can equal a completely new outcome."
And Eugene Peterson the American Pastor and Writer says, “A marriage takes year after year of alert and wide-eyed attention.” Much better to give your marriage the care and attention it needs now even though and especially if the children are still around.
By now it was well after 10o'clock. Having had our chat over tea and Digestives and with the temperature dropping, we headed back to shore, leaving the Wild Swan to the cold October night.
There is still work on her needing to be done. But she sails again up the west coast of Scotland each summer.
Mind The Gap!
I have enjoyed some great train journeys in my time. (And some not so great.) I love the long ones, especially through countryside which I have never seen before. On the Stirling to Naples, overnight via London and Paris, it was fascinating to see all the different people who came and went at various stations. Charlotte to Greensboro reminded me of “The City of New Orleans,” that famous Arlo Guthrie song about the great trans-American train. The Lisburn to Ballymoney in the mid-70s was of an altogether different standard however, having separate compartments with sliding doors in the carriages and arriving at cold, empty Ballymoney Station with the station-master huddled around a pot-bellied stove and looking like the station-master from the opening credits of “Once Upon A time In The West.”
But the Belfast to Lurgan was memorable for a different reason. It was the familiar, daily routine journey. I had taken this trip many times. One day as usual I waited for the train. Absorbed in my book I wandered over to the edge as it pulled into the station. As I presumed to get on I missed the step and my leg went down into the gap between the carriage and the platform. In a sudden-wide-awake moment I pulled my leg swiftly up and proceeded into the carriage to take my seat. Sitting down, my thigh began to really hurt and a wave of nausea came crashing over me. Nothing broken. Fortunately no vomiting. I eventually recovered. I had experienced the gap but survived.
In our relationship with our spouse or partner it is easy to fail to notice the gap. We can be so preoccupied with the ordinary and necessary responsibilities and chores of life, work patterns and shifts, separate leisure pursuits, children, daily home routines etc that an emotional gap quietly opens up in our relationship without us even noticing. Something is lost. We begin to drift into being partners and parents rather than close friends, confidants and lovers. Our relationship becomes functional.
To begin to regain what was lost takes something very simple. Decide to make time each day for one another. For 10-15 minutes just sit together over a coffee and talk, listen, don’t judge, just attentively be there and give each other the undivided attention which you knew in the early days of your relationship and which you so enjoyed. And you will begin to enjoy the journey again.
Mind the gap.
But the Belfast to Lurgan was memorable for a different reason. It was the familiar, daily routine journey. I had taken this trip many times. One day as usual I waited for the train. Absorbed in my book I wandered over to the edge as it pulled into the station. As I presumed to get on I missed the step and my leg went down into the gap between the carriage and the platform. In a sudden-wide-awake moment I pulled my leg swiftly up and proceeded into the carriage to take my seat. Sitting down, my thigh began to really hurt and a wave of nausea came crashing over me. Nothing broken. Fortunately no vomiting. I eventually recovered. I had experienced the gap but survived.
In our relationship with our spouse or partner it is easy to fail to notice the gap. We can be so preoccupied with the ordinary and necessary responsibilities and chores of life, work patterns and shifts, separate leisure pursuits, children, daily home routines etc that an emotional gap quietly opens up in our relationship without us even noticing. Something is lost. We begin to drift into being partners and parents rather than close friends, confidants and lovers. Our relationship becomes functional.
To begin to regain what was lost takes something very simple. Decide to make time each day for one another. For 10-15 minutes just sit together over a coffee and talk, listen, don’t judge, just attentively be there and give each other the undivided attention which you knew in the early days of your relationship and which you so enjoyed. And you will begin to enjoy the journey again.
Mind the gap.
Promises Promises.
Confusion, hurt, bewildermment and anger seem to be the order of the day amongst many loyal supporters of the Lib Dems and Conservatives over recent events. Significant differences and policy distinctives appear to have been sacrificed in the shuffle to get into No 10 and get the incumbent out. What of the promises in the manifestos, made and broken to gain power?
Promises. Must they always be subservient to a "higher cause". In relationships they matter immensely. Promises count. They are words of commitment. They signal intent and dedication. They foster trust and are worth recalling when times are tough. A commitment has been made. It requires to be adhered to and not lightly, if ever, discarded. The public taking of vows and making promises is one of the distinguishing marks between marriage and the private arrangment of cohabitation.
The lightness in our attitude to promises reminds me of this poem about the Auld Lammas Fair in Ballycastle where you can see promises made over the buying and selling of horses.
Promises. Promises.
We will buy a horse again this year
At the Lammas Fair.
We will look at its teeth
And run our hands over its haunches
And its tail will fall through our hands
As easy as sand through fingers.
And we will run it up and down
The Fair Hill in the sweltering August afternoon
Scattering crowds and scaring people from Belfast.
And we will spit on our palms
And slap hands together
In agreement.
And when you are driving
From Ballycastle to Ballymoney
Some wet November day,
You might see it
Loitering
In a pasture more mud than grass,
Somewhere near Dervock.
Motionless.
Head bowed against the icy rain.
Promises. Must they always be subservient to a "higher cause". In relationships they matter immensely. Promises count. They are words of commitment. They signal intent and dedication. They foster trust and are worth recalling when times are tough. A commitment has been made. It requires to be adhered to and not lightly, if ever, discarded. The public taking of vows and making promises is one of the distinguishing marks between marriage and the private arrangment of cohabitation.
The lightness in our attitude to promises reminds me of this poem about the Auld Lammas Fair in Ballycastle where you can see promises made over the buying and selling of horses.
Promises. Promises.
We will buy a horse again this year
At the Lammas Fair.
We will look at its teeth
And run our hands over its haunches
And its tail will fall through our hands
As easy as sand through fingers.
And we will run it up and down
The Fair Hill in the sweltering August afternoon
Scattering crowds and scaring people from Belfast.
And we will spit on our palms
And slap hands together
In agreement.
And when you are driving
From Ballycastle to Ballymoney
Some wet November day,
You might see it
Loitering
In a pasture more mud than grass,
Somewhere near Dervock.
Motionless.
Head bowed against the icy rain.
scottishbabyshow
Recently I attended the Scottish Baby Show at the SECC.I never knew these sorts of things existed! There's a market for everything in life! And money to be made. Giants like Heinz, Mamas and Papas,and ............me, small fry from the Highlands. But no one was offering what I had - support for the couple at the new parenting stage which is when most say that their relationship first experienced real difficulties. "Letssticktogether" is the short 1 hour course I promote. 50 brochures were given out - a case of casting your bread on the waters and seeing what comes of it.
It was a good but long day (5.30am to 10pm) and not as daunting an experience as I thought. Actually, quite enjoyable.
Beth Neilsen-Chapman
Welcome to Blackmail - Colm's blog. I am a Relationship Educator so I will be writing primarily about relationships. However I will venture into other territory as well.
Recently I attended a concert by Beth Neilsen-Chapman. In one of her songs she had these words: "All that matters when we're gone, All that mattered all along, All we have that carries on is how we love."
Love - a word which trips off the tongue and is easily spoken. But love is not easy. It requires us to be tough, compassionate, forgiving, determined, courageous. It is a choice we make not an emotion we follow, for love changes with time. Yes, the emotions are invloved, but only after the high of the emotional phase can real love begin and that is where choice comes into play. We chose to love and that is shown in our actions towards others. Without love, we are nothing and what we do counts for nothing.
Recently I attended a concert by Beth Neilsen-Chapman. In one of her songs she had these words: "All that matters when we're gone, All that mattered all along, All we have that carries on is how we love."
Love - a word which trips off the tongue and is easily spoken. But love is not easy. It requires us to be tough, compassionate, forgiving, determined, courageous. It is a choice we make not an emotion we follow, for love changes with time. Yes, the emotions are invloved, but only after the high of the emotional phase can real love begin and that is where choice comes into play. We chose to love and that is shown in our actions towards others. Without love, we are nothing and what we do counts for nothing.
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