Flying By The Seat of Your Pants.

I said,” Can I give you an invitation to a short evening course on preparing for life beyond the Wedding day?” She said, “Oh.....ah.....eh.....well, actually this is my second time at it, so if you don’t mind, this time round I think I will just fly by the seat of my pants!” I said, “Well, I hope you are wearing good pants!”
Flying by the seat of your pants was a dangerous venture, the activity of World War One pilots whose early navigation systems often failed, leaving them to fly by the vibrations of the plane, experienced through their pants.
Couples who succeed in their relationship are the ones who intentionally invest time in learning what makes for success and who look after their relationship, making time for each other in the midst of parenting, work and other commitments.
This is especially important when entering a second marriage. We can carry negative baggage with us from our previous experience and assume, new start, better start, without ever having worked through as an individual or a new couple some of the issues which contributed to our past failure. Negatives patterns of behaviour reappear and repeat themselves, sadly. This is, truly, flying by the seat of your pants, so it is not surprising that the failure rate of second marriages can be as high as 80%.
The short courses and resources available through “X Plus Y” are designed to point couples in the right direction and equip them for their future together. Relationships don’t need to come crashing to the ground.

24/7

I like language and words. My learning style would primarily be wordy, bookish rather than pictorial or visual. Words and phrases fascinate me. Words like “spaltering”, “discombobulate” and place-names like “Broughmore”, “Culfeitrin”, “Achnasheen” and “Latherin’ Wheel”– they have mystery, music and story in them.
But there are words and phrases which grind with me these days: “Toxic Assets” for example. Or, “ I hear what you say”- which basically means I hear you but will be ignoring your views. From my youth I used to hate the phrase, “Game cancelled” which usually appeared on the school PE notice board at 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon and meant I had no game on Saturday and would be obliged to turn up to my Saturday job at the local butchers. Even worse was the phrase, “Go behind the goals for ten minutes” which meant I was yellow carded for some crime or misdemeanour!
24/7 is fairly near the top of my list of undesirables. It smacks of all day, every day living with no lights out. A world of incessant activity, work and altered bio-rythyms which can cause chaos. A world we seem to be caught up in, for the need to find employment can necessarily mean shift work for some of us.
The down side is that as couples our time with each other and our children can take on strange dimensions. In some counselling situations it is very difficult to see both parties together because of shift lives. Not only do we have the rise of shift-couples but shift-parenting. (Parenting is of course the original 24/7 activity!) Anti-social work patterns can play havoc with family life. In the 24/7 shift-work culture, time that parents have as a couple has been the main casualty, since parents tend to give priority to time with their children and the family as a whole.
It behoves us in the 24/7 context to work very diligently to keep our relationship with our partner as a top priority. Make time, find time, plan time for one another away from the parenting responsibilities. Rediscover the pleasure of each other’s uninterrupted company.
Finally I would like to apologise for using the odious “24/7” so often in this piece.

Buying Flowers.

It was a most amusing incident. I had gone into a shop to buy flowers for a family funeral. While I was there I unexpectedly met someone I had not seen for some time. Her immediate comment to me as I stood there with the flowers was, “Oh, what have you done?” humourously suggesting I was on a peace mission. And so we chatted and moved on.
As I left the shop, flowers in hand, I met another person I had not seen for awhile and she looked at me and said, “Oh someone is in for a treat!” humouroulsy suggesting I was intending to surprise my wife. This all made me laugh later, for one had thought the worst and the other had thought the best.
When things are out of kilter in a relationship we can get into a mindset of distrust. We think the worst of the other person and are suspicious. It might be rooted in how we were treated in the past by others such as our parents or a teacher and so we have developed a bad habit in our present relationship. We misinterpret situations. Thinking the worst can put us on the defensive when there is absolutely no need for it. The best way to deal with it is to ask questions. Talk about whatever is happening. Clarify.
“Asking questions doesn’t stop me from thinking the worst but it does make me more likely to check out whether or not my thoughts are justified.” says Harry Benson
Love always thinks the best. Always hopes. Always perseveres.

You can read about Good Habits. Bad Habits in “Letssticktogether” by Harry Benson.
Publ. Lion 2010

Robbie & Gaz

It has been big news over the last months that Robbie Williams is back in “Take That.” Recently on a BBC entertainment site there was an interview by Chris Moyles. Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams were talking about the reunion.
Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.
Apologising and saying sorry in a relationship are absolutely crucial. No relationship can survive without it and often it is about saying sorry for small hurtful things said or done. Of course, there will be those who need to apologise over bigger issues.
What “excitement and liberation” might attend your relationship if you took the first step and said sorry for specific words and actions which have grieved your partner and under-mined your relationship! You too may experience the “load off your shoulders” and the return of “magical moments” together. And with apologising, it is not a one off. It needs to be on-going.
Trouble is, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” said Elton John. But then again, it is nice being able to be grown up and say sorry and mean it.