The Four Horsemen: Introduction

Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: The Four Horsemen: Introduction

This is the begiiining of a very important series on the presence of 4 destructive elements in a relationship. I mentioned one of them in a previous post about The Thenardiers from Le Miserables. This is an expanded and more detailed series.
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A Timely Lesson From the Thenardiers.

 

My children love the songs and the story. And having seen it on stage and screen 'Les Miserables' is one of my favourites. Is there a bad song in it? Though I have to say, the stage perfomance has better singing whilst the film has better acting principally because you are closer to the characters and see every nuance.

So when an old two volume copy of the story arrived in our house I felt inspired to buck the trend and read the actual story by Victor Hogo. (Publ. 1862) It is definitely no sprint! Beautifully written, sometimes dense yet often compelling. I was struck by the section describing the Thenardier marriage.

Particularly, the description of the wife's attitude to her husband. Of Mrs Thenardier, who is described as ' a mountain of noise and flesh moving under the little finger of the frail despot', (her husband) it is said, "The husband was to his wife, though she did not know it, a species of peculiar and sovreign being ( Master of the House!). However much she might dissent from 'Monsieur Thenardier' she would never have proved him publicly in the wrong for any consideration. She would never have commited 'in the presence of strangers' that fault which wives so often commit, and which is called in parliamentary language 'exposing the crown'.

In modern parlance I think he means slander, put downs, public criticism. A habit most definitley not confined to women! Putting your partner down privately or publicly is devestating to any relationship. This is where one partner treats the others ideas, insights and suggestions with disrespect, disdain and at the extreme end of things, contempt. Contempt is sulphuric acid on a relaltionship.

Sometimes put downs come with humour, little jokes and barbed comments which make others laugh when you are out in company. It makes you feel great about your humour and yourself, others may laugh and think you are the heart and soul of things, while your partner quietly cringes and tries to laugh it off but is inwardly crushed. Words have the power to wound or heal.

Mrs Tenardier probably would not dare to speak thus against her 'frail despot' of a husband, out of fear. Fear is not how it should be. Respect and appreciation should be the dominating attitudes in a relationship. We need to be very careful with words and humour.

How much better if we sought for ways and opportunities to build each other up privately and praise one another in the presence of others.

Prijateljstvo - Delivering A Marriage Seminar in Montenegro.

 



This last week I had the experience of delivering a Marriage Enrichment evening in Bar, Montenegro. 'Love Well-Live Well' in Serpski, through an interpreter made for a very interesting and amusing evening.

Montengro is known for many things but hosting a Marriage Event may be one of the more unusual. In the local Sports Complex the same week they hosted European Women's YouthVolleyball Championship (won by Poland) and a high profile Boxing Event. But in the quieter surroundings of 'The Living Room,' 8 couples attended a Marriage seminar. The nationalities represented being German, Russian, Montenegran, American, French and Australian.

 

Here are some of the feedback comments:

 

"I hope to remember about the 4 Bad Habits and to avoid hurting."

 

"This has been a very useful evening. I heard a lot of things which I would never have thought about before."

 

"I enjoyed looking back and being reminded of the beginnings of our relationship and the great memories. It encouraged me to apprecaite these things and get motivated to create new ones."

 

"I hope this evening will help me to be less critical but instead to be more encouraging and to create a daily culture of appreciation."

 

"I hope from this evening I will learn to be a better listener and to love my wife the way she needs to be loved, to better understand how she needs to be loved."

 

"The best thing about tonight was thinking about the things that brought us together in the first place. Thinking and talking about these, in a way, brought us back to those days and we laughed together a lot tonight."

 

"Molim vas, napsite jednu recenicw Koja ce opisah kako se xi nodote dece ove vece wticah na vasw vesw"............ I take with me that we should talk from time to time about wonderful moments we had together."

 

"I hope that we will both learn to listen better to each other and to ask rather than assume."

 

"I will think about things in a different way, but I won't promise anything."

 

But perhaps the most surprising feedback came  from a Montenegran man who came on his own because his wife was working. For a man in the UK to come to a Marriage event on his own would be amazing, especially since many couples simply think they have nothing to learn and it is not a man-thing to do anyway. Fix  your car? Yes. Put up a fence? Yes. Do the Highland Cross? Yes. Attend a Marriage evening? Not likely, and this in a culture where we are awash with resources and course to help couples  live well together.

 

So, for a man to attend an evening in Montenegro where this kind of event is simply totally unknown, is amazing. He sat in the corner and being on his own could not really fully participate in the execrcises. As the presenter I felt a little uncomfortable and was not quite sure if I should go and speak to him at times. So I left him to it. And in the end had no idea what he thought of the evening but we shook hands as he left.

 

The next eveing, through his daughter as an interpreter he said to my wife, "I really enjoyed the marriage evening last night. Tell your husband he is a very clever man!" To which my wife made the appropriate reply............ in order to keep me humble. Isn't that the role of a wife after all?