Emili Sande - 'Next To Me.' A Song For Our Times.

Perhaps I am getting old. Maybe it is as they say, we find ourselves 'turning into our parents'? Making the same kinds of judgements, gestures, saying things to our children which our parents said to us; doing the same, like wiping your child's mouth furiously with a flannel lest they escape out the door to school with the porridge clinging to their little chops like teenage pimples. Or ranting about the rubbish on TV, as my Dad used to say, "I am surprised that an intelligent boy like you is watching rubbish like that"

Well last night I watched some 'rubbish'. The Brit Awards 2013, when the British Music Industry doles out its Oscars. Yes I admit I did have  'just like my Dad' moments when the host swore on more than one occasion and made some completely inapproriate comments and some of the dancing was a bit too suggestive. Why should I be surprised? It's the whole packeage which is served up to our children which is problematic. But.

But, filter out some of the dross and there is real gold. Fantastic creativity, musicianship and social comment in much of the music. With the 'Best Female Artist' award and the 'Best Album' award, Emili Sande was the big winner. Her song, 'Next To Me' is what she is most known for. The lyrics are amazing.

Should I marry him? Is he marriageable? Many are the questions which need to be asked before a couple commit to marriage and one of the most important is, 'Will he or she, be there for me when it really matters?' Can I count on my partner being there through thick and thin? Yes you can Sande eloquently sings.

She got married recently. I wonder of she wrote this song about her inteneded, recognising that in him she would have a solid, dependable, trusworthy and faithful companion, for better or for worse. "Romantic love is all about attachment and emotional bonding', says Dr Sue Johnson. 'It is about our wired-in need to have someone to depend on, a loved one who can can offer reliable emotional connection and confort."

'You'll find him, you'll find him next to me' says Emili Sande. There is real security in that. The kind of security which is best epitomised in marriage.

('Hold Me Tight' Dr Sue |Johnson publ. Piatkus)

Small Is Big In Relationships.

We have just had Valentine's Day. People make a big splash on that day in order to impress, win or express their love ? Perhaps the biggest winners are the Florists, the Chocolate sellers and the Card shops. And now we are being 'guided' towards Mother's Day and after that there will be the Easter celebrations and then Father's Day. It is all a bit endless and manipulative.

In one sense it is a bit of fun. My youngest son, at 8, receieved a card through the post! Yet why should children so young be caught up in this? As for adults? What really matters is not the splash but the everyday little interactions in a relationship. And the more postive these are the healthier. They are like small deposits in a bank account, building up reserves of well-being, goodwill, emotional benefit. Then when the stressful times arrive we are in a better place to deal with them together.

Small Positives = Big Effect............even if the recipient does not comment or even seem to notice.

And if you are the recipient of a series of helpful, selfless little acts, kind words or gestures and you notice, make sure you say thanks, express appreciation. And be specific. Praise needs to be specific, like 'Thank you for eating with your mouth closed when the visitors came last evening', or 'I really appreciated the salad sandwich you made me for lunch.'

We gain the most, says Harriet Lerner, by being the change we want to see.

Harry Chapin - Cat's in the Cradle

Valentine's Day. "I Just Called To Say..........."

 

 

Cover versions? Well, some are better than others. Some are better than the original. Like K D Laing's version of the Leonard Cohen song, 'Alleluia.' Brilliant! Here is a cover version of a Stevie Wonder song, the lyrics of which I never liked until I listened closely and thought more carefully about the sentiment behind it, though some might say it is pure sentimentality. (Lyrics aside, it is a great cover too!)

 

In the UK the sales of flowers and chocolates in the next week will go into the stratosphere as we approach Valentine's Day. No bad thing some might say and in many cases where love is new and the days are full of expectancy thay may indeed cut the mustard, as they say.

 

For those already in a relationship long term what really matters is not what happens in the next week but what happens on a daily basis. Chocolates and flowers just won't do, if in the midst of the daily grind, which life can sometimes be, there is no attentive listening, no daily care, no thoughtful selfess serving one another in the small, often unappreciated ways. You can't kick start love with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. Neither will a weekend away at a luxury hotel do the deal either although it might just give you space and time to talk in a way you have been unable to.

 

But love on a daily basis through small acts of kindness, words of appreciation is the where it really matters, far beyond the media-driven, commercially exploiting hype of Valentines's one day a year when the only winners may be Cadbury's or your local flower shop.

 

Create a culture of appreciation on a daily basis.

 

Stevie Wonder on Youtube - the original is great and you get the full lyrics in a language you can understand although I am sure we all know the chorus line anyway. Altogether now, sing along with Sweep!

 

New Parents Advice to New Parents.

Start saving now.

Tear up the “How To Be A Parent” book as you will write one yourself!

Don’t hang on to the midwife advice as she probably doesn’t have any children of her own!

Children grow up fast. Enjoy the journey!

Take each day at a time.

Everything is a phase. If it is a good one, enjoy it while it lasts. If it is a bad one don’t worry it will pass.

Remember every family is unique.

Don’t get stressed just because your baby doesn’t follow the textbook rules – they never do.

Think before you speak. Children take everything literally.

Make time for yourself and each other too.

Try not to worry about the mess. It will be there long after you are. Enjoy spending time with your kids making the mess!

Enjoy every minute. It all passes too quickly.

Sleep when they sleep. It is never for very long.

 

Late Evening Habits.

 

Make some time for each other at the end of the day. Even just 15 minutes. Talk and listen. Share 3 good things from your day. Allow your partner into your inner world. Laugh together.

 

This simple practise of talking well in the good times means it is more likely that talking over contentious issues when they arise, will be less destructive and more constructive.

 

'Couples who have a 'sit down, look at me, let's talk' time each day have a higher level of intimacy than those couples who simply talk, 'whenever, wherever.'

Dr. Gary Chapman

 

So. Switch off the mobile. Stop texting. Put away the Blackberry. Create a better end-of-the-day, late night habit.

We Don't Need No Piece Of Paper From The City Hall.

Near Ballintoy on the North Antrim coast is the famous Carrick-A-Rede rope bridge. Once it was just that, a mere bridge put up and taken down each year by local salmon fishermen. Now under the National Trust it is a major tourist attraction. As well as spectacular views of Rathlin, Islay, Jura and the Mull of Kintyre, a visit is incomplete without crossing the bridge itself.

Is it safe? The locals who used to put it up each year would have no hesitation in saying, yes absolutely! Now with Health and Safety legislation there is no question at all about its safety, although you are still advised to proceed with care and to avoid letting your children horse across it!

What does this have to do with commitment in marriage? If you don’t think a bridge is safe you will not venture across. There are many and in increasing numbers, who think that the commitment to another in marriage is unsafe, too risky, never to be considered because they have had painful experiences in the past where they have been let down, hurt, abandoned or they have friends who have been in such dark places. Others like Joni Mitchell in the song 'My Old Man' say, 'We don't need no piece of paper from the City Hall keeping us tied and true.' The truth is that the alternative is even less safe and secure and is even more riskier.  

In marriage when you sense that your commitment is firm you gain confidence to venture out.  This is one of the most distinguishing and attractive features of marriage. It is a safe place and with commitment you greatly increase the chances of the relationship lasting. Commitment brings security, confidence, gives momentum to a relationship. Notwithstanding, you still have to cross with care. A marriage takes day after day and year after year of careful attention.

It was the German writer Goethe who said, ‘Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness................Boldness has genius, power, magic to it.’

Marriage is the safest and most secure of all ways to go. The best research on the subject would say, yes absolutley!

Consider how you might celebrate your commitment to your spouse in a special way sometime soon.

 

(Recommended: 'The Power of Commitment' Scott Stanley.  Publ. Jossey-Bass 2005)