In The Days Before Harry Potter.............

In the days before Harry Potter, I wonder how many of us had heard the name “Hermione?” My first introduction to Hermione was in school. She was 4ft 0”, bow-legged, had a high pitched voice and trailed a small black and brown Dacshound along on a lead. She was my tennis coach, having been taught herself by the legendary Dan Maskill. These were the days of two rackets, wooden, with gut and superlastic strings – one for dry and one for wet weather. No one played two handed, grunted or wore anything other than white. Then along came the two-handed Chris Evert and metal rackets wielded by Jimmy Connors. The local club house was Wimbledon green.

Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.

“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)

The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.

Fan Of John Wayne?

Are you a John Wayne fan? Yes? No! He’s ok sometimes? Well, one of his films was the stereotypical West of Ireland story, “The Quiet Man” in which he was chasing the red-haired Maureen O Hara to become his wife. They were both humourously subjected to “very strict guidelines” by the local match-maker as to what was appropriate behaviour during the courtship. It was all very quaint and he got the girl in the end.

In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.

As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.

“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.

Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.