Deciding Who To Marry - Children's Views!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?                                   (written by children) -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8   -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin , age 10  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9   HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

Marriage Lessons From Melbourne.

 

I think I am over it, but as Roy Orbison used to sing, 'It's too Soon to Know.' Great as Andy Murray was, the Iron Man for Serbia was better.

 

And yet it is about perspective. Murray has been in the last 3 Grand Slam Finals plus the Olympic Final. He has won two, lost two. And this is how he sees it. There are always positives in the midst of the disappointments. He will learn and move on, keep working. And win more Slams no doubt, probably this year. Wimbledon? US Open again?

 

For a long time people have been acknowledging Murray's brilliance but questioning his mentality, the understandable negative slide when all is going against him. His form after losing in Austrailia in the past few years has been lamentable in the following months. I don't expect we will see the same this year. His mindset has changed. 

 

Mindset. It is everything in a relationship when things are not good and there are disappointments, sometimes huge.

 

John Gottman says this, 'You need to become the architect of your thoughts. It's up to you to decide what your inner script will be. You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt and contempt or you can do the opposite.'

And Zig Ziglar ( he has to be  American! ) says, 'You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change what you are and where you are by changing what goes into yoiur mind.'

Transformation, says The Bible, begins with the renewing of the mind.

If only life was that simple! Yet it is true of our mindset, perspective and understanding. And it is hard work, especially if your relationship is in a dark place. But what is the alternative!
 

Just as the journey of 1000Km begins with one small step, perhaps transformation begins with seeing the positives, no matter how small, even just one at a time. Look for them, take note of them, savour them. Keep moving forward.

 

You see it's tempting to believe that the challenge is too great. The Iron Man is unbeatable. Andy Murray will take small positives from the pain of loss and with a strong and determined will, continue to move forward. I for one, am looking forward to future victories.

And as for the Djokovic? I am sure he too will sit down with his team, reflect on what they are doing well, celebrate it and continue in the same vane. Celebrate what you are doing well as a couple, the positives. Talk about them and keep on with them.
 

 

 

A Good Relationship Is....

The Power of Thoughtfulness.

"A single thoughtful act sets the tone for more positive interactions," says Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill,  Marriage and Family Therapist and Author of 'A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.'

Enhancing or even changing the climate of a relationship begins with thinking differentlly. If Sharon Gilchrist is correct then it depends on me. And here is the challenging part. I may not feel like doing so! But love is a choice. I chose to love the person to whom I am married and to whom I have made public promises.

Here are a few suggestions.

Think of one act each day that would 'bless' your partner. And do it............making the lunch, sorting his socks, paying a compliment, breakfast in bed, doing 3 hours in Tesco rather than on the Golf range, turning off the mobile in bed and listening,...............what else?

Perhaps you could ask the question, 'What 5 things would you really like me to do this week, which you would appreciate?' Then do them.

Who knows? Life might be full of new surprises.

The Most Challenging Stage of Parenting?

There was a very interesting discusion on Victoria Derbyshire's programme on Radio 5 this morning about what is the most challenging stage of parenting. Catch it again on the BBC iPlayer.

Here are a couple of book recommendations.
'Let's Stick Together' by Harry Benson for the early stages as new parents.
'The Sixty Minute Parent' & 'Teenagers' both by Rob Parsons.
'Teen Angels' by Dr Stephen Briers & Sacha Baveystock.

Plus have alook at Parentchannel.tv for some very helpful short videoes on all aspects of parenting.

Can iPhone Addiction Wreck Your Marriage?

 

Do you prefer to spend all your evenings exchanging messages with strangers rather than talking to your husband? Are you so distracted at bedtime that sex is off the agenda? If so, you may well have infomania - an unhealthy addiction to your smartphone - and experts warn it could have serious consequences for your relationship.

There are 33 million Brits with Facebook accounts and 11 million Twitter users. The Tavistock and Portman NHS clinic in London has a unit dedicated to technology addiction. Celebrity Twitter-fan Peaches Geldof attracted criticism after she stayed glued to her smartphone when her son's buggy hit a pothole, tipping him on to the pavement.

Infomania - information overload, caused by the continuous interruptions from and urge to check our smartphones - has become a huge problem which, if left unchecked, can ruin relationships and cause people to become divorced from the real world.

Chartered psychologist Thomas Stewart says that while smartphones are brilliant for connecting us with other people, when used to excess they can cause real issues within personal relationships.

'If you're engrossed in a smart-phone, you're not paying attention to your partner,' he says. 'Apart from being rude, when someone prioritises their phone in this way it can lead to their partner feeling neglected and resentful - especially if the person is glued to social media such as Twitter or Facebook and, therefore, communicating trivia to followers they barely know.'

This reliance on technology is also fuelled by people's growing fear of missing out - whether that's attending a party, learning about a breaking news story as soon as it happens or keeping up with celebrity gossip.

Aimee Bradley's smartphone obsession was one of the reasons she and husband Davin, 29, went to marriage counselling a year ago. 'We've had countless arguments over my phone,' says Aimee, 29, who lives in Chichester. 'Davin complains that he might as well not be there and I'm more interested in my phone. But it's hard to ignore a beep or a flashing light to alert me to a new tweet, Facebook post or email. 'Plus, as I work for an online boutique, people expect you to reply straightaway.' Aimee and Davin married in May 2011 and even argued on their honeymoon about her addiction.

'At counselling, Davin raised my infomania as a major issue. He said he felt neglected. 'Pre-smartphone, we'd have conversations uninterrupted by an email alert and would cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV. But he feels I'm too busy with my phone to do that any more.'

Their counsellor suggested they take radical action to repair their relationship. 'We agreed I'd put my phone down at 7pm each night. We've also been going out once a month and the deal is that I have to leave my phone untouched in my bag,' she says.

Psychologist Dr Jane McCartney says such informal curfews on smartphones are more realistic than going cold turkey. She also advocates that there are ways we can use our phones to engage with a partner. 'Talk about the things you see or read on your phone in the same way you might chat while watching a TV programme together.'

So for infomaniacs, this could be proof that it's worth breaking up with the interloper in your marriage - especially if they need to be plugged into the wall to be charged overnight.

 

All I Want For Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is….?

Those with long memories will recall that the answer to this question, according to the music-hall song at least, is “my two front teef!!”. But not any more it seems. The number one answer according to a poll this Christmas  (2012)was a baby brother/sister, and the number ten answer, perhaps even more worryingly, is “a Dad!”.

The poll was conducted among parents rather than the kids themselves so is probably a blend of their views and their children’s. It is worrying at two levels. The first is that having a baby brother/sister is regarded as something of a consumer choice. We have long had campaigns telling us “a dog is for life, not just for Christmas” – an illustration that people need to recognise the responsibilities of pet ownership. How much more true is this of “child ownership”.  The decision to have a child should be one prefaced by clear recognition that the un-conceived child has a right to be nurtured and protected by the two parents who brought it into being. The decision to create a child without first committing publicly, before witnesses, to stick together as a couple in the task is a tragic flaunting of the rights of the child.

The fact that that “a Dad” was the number ten answer is a stunning reflection of the wisdom of kids, and the sadness that the breakdown of families brings – kids know they are missing a vital piece of life, and they long for their Dad! Of course not every relationship is going to survive, but the fact is that the chances of a child continuing to have a meaningful relationship with its father are dramatically higher if the parents were married – they made a commitment, and even when they can’t see it through, they recognise their joint responsibilities in some way.

Ask most of the Dads whose partner is expecting and they will tell you they would do anything for their future son/daughter – and you see it in their eyes too as they hold the fragile infant tenderly, nervously, in their hands for the first time. My challenge to them is “if you’ll do anything as you say, then marry their mum, and make it work!”.

Amidst all the hype and venting that will doubtless accompany the discussion on marriage, and in particular “Equal Marriage” this year, let’s not forget that the fundamental right of the unborn generation is to be raised by their two natural parents who are truly committed both to each other, and to the child. We have a legal structure for it – it’s called marriage.

As we face into 2013, let’s remember that in working for marriage we are not doing it for some fluffy Hollywood notion of “happy ever after” – we are doing it for the next generation of kids, so they won’t be left wishing they could have a Dad for Christmas.

 

Dave Percival 2-in-2-1.co.uk