Celebrating Commitment..

“Celebrating Commitment.”
Marriage Week 7-14 Feb

It’s 25 years since the tragic Shuttle disaster when the rocket blew up soon after take-off and all lives were lost. Space travel is risky. “Statistically”, says Scott Stanley of the University of Denver, “Marriage is as risky as space travel. Research suggests, however that not being married is even more risky, especially if you want the best shot at life-long love. Nothing besides commitment in marriage brings the same benefits of health, economic stability, companionship and even sexual satisfaction. There is real power in knowing you are a team and that you can count on each other in the future.” (The Power Of Commitment - Scott Stanley)

Marriage Week (7-14Feb) is about celebrating commitment. During this week or in the week after, why not make a special effort to create some space for you and your partner to do something different, beyond the routines of daily life.

Eat: Take time to make or order in some of your favourite food and when the children are in bed, enjoying a quiet uninterrupted meal.

Talk: What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!

Play: When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!

Facebook & Divorce?

For most people, Facebook is a harmless way to keep in touch with friends and family. But flirtations on the social networking site are now becoming a major factor in marriage breakdown.

Family lawyers have revealed that the problem has become so great that almost every divorce they have dealt with in the past year has involved the website. One expert said she had dealt with 30 cases in the last nine months and Facebook had been implicated in them all. Whilst another online law company said one in five of their divorce petitions in the past year contain references to Facebook.

Emma Patel, the head of family law at Hart Scales & Hodges Solicitors, said the site acted like a "virtual third party" in splits. "Facebook is being blamed for an increasing number of marital breakdowns, and it is quite remarkable that all the petitions that I have seen here since May have cited Facebook one way or another," she said. "Its huge popularity as well as the lure of sites like Second Life, Illicit Encounters and Friends Reunited are tempting couples to cheat on each other. Suspicious spouses have used these to spy and find evidence of flirting and even affairs, which have then led to break-ups." She said that many of divorces came after partners found "flirty messages" on the Facebook wall of their partner – and also "inappropriate suggestive chats" which spouse's can see.

The lawyer said that she urged all clients to "stay off" Facebook during divorce proceedings – as it could throw a spanner in the works of it going smoothly – especially if they post photos of new lovers. She said: "They feel compelled to share their feelings online, and, in some cases, they not only express their stress, but also make inflammatory accusations against their partner. Divorce is a highly-charged and emotional time, but it is vital not to turn the situation into a public slagging match, played out for everyone to see online. The situation has deteriorated so badly that we advise feuding couples to avoid these sites until their divorces are settled."

The family law specialist based in Dorking, Surrey, said that one divorcing couple's rows on Facebook got so bad one party was charged with malicious communication after the police got involved.

A spokesman for Facebook said it was "tosh" that Facebook could ruin a relationship. It is like blaming your mobile phone or your emails," he said. "Does being on Facebook force you to do something – absolutely not I would say."

And A Happy New Year to You Too. Relationships In 2011

Most of us can’t remember the new year coming in by now. It seems like a long time ago and “the ordinary” has kicked back in with a vengeance. But for some the new year festive period may still be casting a long shadow over their lives.

Figures released by Relate (the UK’s largest Counselling Service) indicate just how stressful it has been for some in late December, early January.
20 per cent increase in calls to Relate’s helpline number
66 per cent increase in visits to Relate’s live chat facility, where counsellors give online real time support
32 per cent increase in unique visitors to www.relate.org.uk on the first working day of 2011, Tuesday 4th January 2011
And 15 per cent increase in unique visitors to www.relate.org.uk over the first week in January 2011

Claire Tyler, Chief Executive of Relate, said: “A new year is an obvious time to tackle issues head on and this is what we are seeing here. 2011 will signal a fresh start for many and it’s great that people are seeking support to turn things around.

“We can’t however gloss over the fact that people will have had a very difficult period over Christmas. Spending time with family can be challenging, arguments can explode, couples can row and it can also be an incredibly lonely period for some. Sadly, this is something we see year on year and January 2011 is by no means a random occurrence.”

What does 2011 look like for relationships? Looking ahead to the next year, Relate asked it’s counsellors in a separate poll what they expect to be the top five issues for relationships in 2011. Communication problems, money worries, working long hours, redundancies and affairs came up in the top five in that order.

Self Expansion

This is not as piece about the size of your girth after the festive season! It is about a subtle shift in expectations with regard to relationships.

The happy marriage is the “me- marriage”. According to recent research what people want from marriage is a partnership which will enable them to experience “self-expansion” – making their lives more interesting through new networks, experiences, challenges. Something which should happen anyway in a marriage.

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.

But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. The more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. The effect of self-expansion is apparently more pronounced when people first fall in love.

This appears to be all about “me” rather than “we.” If it is, then when I have “self-expanded” to my fullest potential (not through my wife cooking regular meals for me, might I add) I will move on to a new relationship.

At its core marriage puts the other person at the centre – it is a commitment to constantly seeking the best for the other – come what may. The best includes this need we have for “self expansion”. Without such a commitment the relationship is simply a vessel of convenience in which I’ll stick around so long as my personal needs are being met – and when this ceases to be the case I’ll look elsewhere. We ought to look out for the other person’s needs and interests so we both experience growth and “self-expansion”. If it is just about me, the balance is wrong. We belong together and our lives together ought to be bringing out the best in each other not just self. Love is selfless, not selfish.

As the Scriptures of the Christian faith say, “Do nothing out of selfish interest.......but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”

I think it is called servant-hood. What would happen to our relationship with our spouse or our children, if we asked them, “How can I serve you today?”

Eat. Talk. Play.

For Marriage Week 2011 (Feb 7-14) the challenge to couples is to Eat, Talk and Play together!

Eat.
In our busy lives today, all too often we don’t make time for the most basic of social functions – eating together! So this Marriage Week, why not make the time to sit down together and share a meal for two?? If you can make the time, why not share the preparation – and the clearing up! If you haven’t got time to cook, how about a take-away, or a romantic meal at a local restaurant. Take time to savour the sights, smells and flavours of a great meal together.


Talk
What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make some time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!


Play
When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!

For more ideas and resources visit:: www.marriage-week.org.uk

All That Matters Is How We Love.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.

It does not envy,
It does not boast.

It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil.
It rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.

(First Letter to the Church at Corinth.
Written by St Paul.
The Bible)