Sorry Mr Clegg?

The dynamic was interesting. A politician uttering what has been described as the hardest word, ‘Sorry,’ directly on camera from, interestingly, his own home and not outside Parliament on the green grass or in his office.

“There is no easy way to say this, we made a pledge and we didn’t stick to it and for that, I am sorry............most important of all you have got to learn from your mistakes and that is what we will do.”

This has created an amazing stir. According to Nick Robinson, the BBC Correspondent, what may follow Nick Clegg in the wake of his apology could be, ‘disbelief, anger and ridicule.’

Apologising and saying sorry are fundamental to life. Relationships, any relationship, especially a man and a wife cannot go forward without apology and forgiveness being an integral part of them.  But what of political life? Will any of those who heard Nick Clegg two years ago promise not to raise tuition fees now be able to trust him again? Will their anger, disbelief and ridicule become a stumbling block to moving forward? Is not the bigger issue that will sink the Lib Dems., that they got into bed with the Conservatives in the first place?

Breaking this trust and promise has been described by Clegg as a huge ball and chain to both him and his party. And that is exactly how it can be for all of us. When Robert Green the England Football Goalkeeper let a speculative shot from the USA slip through his hands into the net a Sports Psychologist commented,’It was encouraging that Robert Green acknowledged immediately that he had made a mistake, rather than blaming the turf or the ball. When people attribute failure to other things it is an indicator of low self-esteem.”

In an interview with Chris Moyles on Radio 1, when Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow of ‘Take That’ were getting back together again, it was reported that “Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.

Perhaps the problem is also with the receiver not the apologiser. It behoves us to exercise forgiveness. ‘Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged but the fortitude required to forgive pales into comparison to the energy it takes to hold a grudge’ says Michelle Weiner-Davis.

The onus is on us to dance to a different tune than the old one of grudge and unforgiveness.

Attend to the Couple.

 “In 30 years of intervention work we’ve found that we can make a difference in a child’s academic, social and emotional success by working with the parents on how to deal productively with their problems and impasses as couples. Working with the couple is more likely to improve parenting quality than work on parenting strategies is to improve couples relationships.”

Carolyn Pape Cowan / Philip A Cowan, University California - The National Family & Parenting Institute, “Master Class” London, Dec 07  - “Attending to the Couple: the Missing Link in What Works Best in Parenting Support.”

Hope Springs - The boredom of long-term marriage.

Hope Springs, the new film starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, highlights a growing trend among 'silver wedding’ couples to turn to relationship counsellors. It tells the story of a meek empty-nester, Kay (played by Meryl Streep), and her curmudgeonly husband, Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones), embarking on a week’s intensive marriage therapy.

Paula Hall, a counsellor for Relate, who has seen and enjoyed the film, says it is an uncannily accurate reflection of the boredom of many long-term marriages and the indifference couples develop towards each other.

“There’s a very moving scene in which Meryl Streep dresses up seductively but her husband doesn’t notice,” says Hall. “It’s a moment many of my clients have had, realising they have become invisible to their partners. I see so many couples who are best friends and run a very efficient home, but they no longer see each other in a sexual way.

“For many long-term couples, it’s really hard to define what’s wrong,” Hall continues. “Everything is very practical; for example, Streep and her husband sleep in separate beds because he snores, but they just don’t connect any more. Marriages have always been like this, but it didn’t used to matter so much, because after 30 years, you’d be ready for your pipe and slippers. But now we live so much longer, you might be married for another 30 years and you can’t tolerate such a passion-free existence.”

Relationship counsellor Andrew G Marshall, author of I Love You, But I’m Not in Love With You, confirms that an increasing number of his clients are “silver-wedding couples”. “I used to very seldom see anyone over the age of 45, but now it’s perfectly common to see couples in their late fifties or early sixties,” he says.

One reason for this is that therapy is no longer regarded as suspicious. “People now understand that therapists don’t all come from Germany and speak in a strange accent and ask clients to talk about their mothers. They have also realised that talking to each other might not be so terrible.”

Late middle-age is also the time when people can no longer escape their mortality. “There’s nothing that so forcefully brings home to you that life’s not forever as sitting at the bedside of a very elderly parent,” says Marshall. “Couples of this age find themselves in that situation and it forces them to address issues they’ve put off tackling for five, 10 years, thinking there would always be time later. Now they think: 'This is later, and I can’t put up with this any more.’”

Geraldine Bedell, editor of the online site Gransnet, says that a proportion of the site’s members have found it a therapeutic place to vent about long-term relationships. “It has given many the courage to leave partners whom in hindsight they wished they’d left much sooner,” she says.

According to Bedell, retirement can be a make-or-break time for many relationships. “We see a lot of posts about husbands being at home all day and not giving their wives enough space and autonomy. Men develop theories about household management, what the wife should buy, how she should cook, which can make their partners furious.

“There are also a lot of tales about formerly very happy sexual relationships, where the man has suddenly stopped having sex without explanation, and that makes the woman very unhappy.”

But can counselling help? A study by Northwestern University in Illinois found that 70 per cent of couples felt happier with their marriages post-therapy, citing lower levels of conflict and improved communication, although the researchers warned that “improvement often doesn’t catapult couples into the realm of the genuinely happily married”.

Paula Hall insists that long-term relationships can be saved. “As in the film, most marriages don’t end in drama, the connection just dies as you both change. You do change over time, but counselling gives you the chance to rediscover each other, to rejuvenate things.  The vital thing is to tackle problems when they arise, not when you’re already exchanging solicitors’ letters,” Hall adds. “If you think, 'Things could be better than this,’ then do something about it.”

(Taken from 2-in-2-1.co.uk)

X plus Y - Resources for Couples Who Want The Best. 

Brochure Inside. (Click on image for full page)

Resources For Individuals and Churches. (Click on image to view full page)