How do you know if someone is playing the role of a rescuer? Would that man be incapable of functioning in his daily life without your help? If so, don't rescue. Encourage growth.
Do you tend to be stronger than him? If so, don't reinforce his weaknesses and foster dependency. Find his potential and encourage growth.
Does he tend to be unhappy unless you're doing something for him? If so, don't play this game. Encourage by showing you believe in capability to do it himself.
Does he make excuses for himself or do you make excuses for him? Remember that excuses cripple and perpetuate helplessness.
But aren't you to love your husband by helping and serving him? Yes, but it can become rescuing when you believe that it's your responsibility to solve his problems or protect him from the results of what he's done.
Sometimes women gain fulfillment by being a rescuer.
It makes them feel good and look good in the eyes of others. The downside is that you could end up angry, resentful, feeling exhausted or even demeaned.
Rescuing is a great diversion. You don't have to deal with your own issues if you're busy saving others.
Taken from Bringing Out the Best in Your Husband by H. Norman Wright. Published by Regal Publishing. Copyright 2010.
Al
Thursday 29 December 2011
Thursday 1 December 2011
Keeping Love Alive
The secret to keeping marriage alive is not in "getting love" - it's in "giving love."
Almost every popular magazine has at least one article on keeping love alive. So, why is it so few couples seem to have found the secret? I'm convinced it's because we concentrate on "getting love" rather than "giving love".
As long as you focus on what your spouse should be doing for you, you will come across as condemning and critical.
How about a different approach? One that asks, "What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I be a better wife or husband?"
Listen to the answers to these questions and you will learn how to keep your marriage alive and vibrant.
Gary Chapman
Almost every popular magazine has at least one article on keeping love alive. So, why is it so few couples seem to have found the secret? I'm convinced it's because we concentrate on "getting love" rather than "giving love".
As long as you focus on what your spouse should be doing for you, you will come across as condemning and critical.
How about a different approach? One that asks, "What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How could I be a better wife or husband?"
Listen to the answers to these questions and you will learn how to keep your marriage alive and vibrant.
Gary Chapman
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Fiddling While Rome Burns.
Today they tell us will mark the point the world’s human population passes the 7 billion mark, and estimates for the rest of this century range from 6 to 16 billion – that’s a lot of people! The major reason for the wide variation is uncertainty about how we will react, and what will happen to fertility numbers (ie the number of children born to each mother). A few decades back the global average was 5, but currently it has fallen to 2.5, and the lower population estimates are based on it falling further.
Traditionally societies and civilisations have always sought to regulate sexual behaviour, and generally this has been achieved through designating special status to the core component for reproduction – a man and a woman. In order to create stability for families most societies have accorded the unit special status – marriage. It’s not special because of the romantic attachment for the two people involved, or because of the economic status of women, or any other reason – it is accorded special status because of its uniquely beneficial role in regulating sexual behaviour and the bearing and nurture of children.
The twentieth century saw us start a set of social experiments globally playing with the natural balance. In China, India and several far eastern cultures the female numbers were artificially suppressed by measures which valued male babies more highly. In the west we both deregulated sexual behaviour, largely disconnected it from reproduction, and sought a variety of economic and medical means to control population, both incentivising the bearing of children economically, and suppressing it by means of contraception and abortion.
The fact that a number of sociologists and anthropologists are using the passing of the 7 billion mark to make some fairly dark predictions as to the potential consequences of gender imbalance and over population should be a wake up call to all to recognise that we are dealing with matters of national and global significance.
And what is our government doing? Talking about “Gay Marriage” as a matter of “rights” instead of recognising that marriage is not a “right” at all, but a fundamental regulatory mechanism for the control of reproductive urges, and the orderly raising of the next generation! Ignoring this fundamental aspect of marriage, and seeking instead to enshrine some romantic notion of “couple relationships” as being beneficial to society will do nothing for our children. Instead we shall confine them to a world of gross numerical gender inequalities, and a shortage of basic resources – a world that almost inevitably turns to conflict.
Ignoring the “natural law” function of marriage is not just “fiddling while Rome burns”, it is a gross dereliction of duty to children and future generations.
Dave Percival www.2-in-2-1.co.uk
Traditionally societies and civilisations have always sought to regulate sexual behaviour, and generally this has been achieved through designating special status to the core component for reproduction – a man and a woman. In order to create stability for families most societies have accorded the unit special status – marriage. It’s not special because of the romantic attachment for the two people involved, or because of the economic status of women, or any other reason – it is accorded special status because of its uniquely beneficial role in regulating sexual behaviour and the bearing and nurture of children.
The twentieth century saw us start a set of social experiments globally playing with the natural balance. In China, India and several far eastern cultures the female numbers were artificially suppressed by measures which valued male babies more highly. In the west we both deregulated sexual behaviour, largely disconnected it from reproduction, and sought a variety of economic and medical means to control population, both incentivising the bearing of children economically, and suppressing it by means of contraception and abortion.
The fact that a number of sociologists and anthropologists are using the passing of the 7 billion mark to make some fairly dark predictions as to the potential consequences of gender imbalance and over population should be a wake up call to all to recognise that we are dealing with matters of national and global significance.
And what is our government doing? Talking about “Gay Marriage” as a matter of “rights” instead of recognising that marriage is not a “right” at all, but a fundamental regulatory mechanism for the control of reproductive urges, and the orderly raising of the next generation! Ignoring this fundamental aspect of marriage, and seeking instead to enshrine some romantic notion of “couple relationships” as being beneficial to society will do nothing for our children. Instead we shall confine them to a world of gross numerical gender inequalities, and a shortage of basic resources – a world that almost inevitably turns to conflict.
Ignoring the “natural law” function of marriage is not just “fiddling while Rome burns”, it is a gross dereliction of duty to children and future generations.
Dave Percival www.2-in-2-1.co.uk
Thursday 20 October 2011
America Takes A Lead.
The US federal government this week announced a new round of funding - nearly $120 million - for programs across the country that promote marriage or fatherhood, an initiative that began under President Bush and has now been continued by President Obama. The Administration for Children and Families, (ACF), which is part of the Department of Health and Human Services, announced Monday that it was awarding $119.4 million in grants to 120 organizations - $59.9 million for 60 marriage programs and $59.3 million for 60 fatherhood programs.
Among the recipients are religious organizations, state departments of family services and non-profit groups. The maximum grant was $2.5 million, which several organizations received, and the lowest was $338,000 for Youth and Family Services in El Reno, Oklahoma. "A strong and stable family is the greatest advantage any child can have," George Sheldon, HHS acting assistant secretary for children and families, said in a press release. "These grants support programs that promote responsible parenting, encourage healthy relationships and marriage, and help families move toward self-sufficiency and economic stability."
The $119 million is part of a $150-million fund Congress authorized after the initial five-year grants expired at the end of last month. The rest of the money will be used for research, training and administrative costs.
Among the recipients are religious organizations, state departments of family services and non-profit groups. The maximum grant was $2.5 million, which several organizations received, and the lowest was $338,000 for Youth and Family Services in El Reno, Oklahoma. "A strong and stable family is the greatest advantage any child can have," George Sheldon, HHS acting assistant secretary for children and families, said in a press release. "These grants support programs that promote responsible parenting, encourage healthy relationships and marriage, and help families move toward self-sufficiency and economic stability."
The $119 million is part of a $150-million fund Congress authorized after the initial five-year grants expired at the end of last month. The rest of the money will be used for research, training and administrative costs.
Tuesday 20 September 2011
Compulsive Consumerism?
British parents are trapping their children in a cycle of "compulsive consumerism" by showering them with toys and designer labels instead of spending quality time with them, a UN report has found. The report by Unicef, the UN children's agency, warns that materialism has come to dominate family life in Britain as parents "pointlessly" amass goods for their children to compensate for their long working hours. While parents said they felt compelled into buying more, the children themselves said spending time with their families made them happier. Unicef UK said the obsession was one of the underlying causes of the riots and widespread looting which gripped the UK last month, as teenagers targeted shops for the designer clothes and goods.
The study, which was jointly funded by the Department for Education, was commissioned after an earlier Unicef report ranked Britain as the worst country in the industrialised world to be a child. It prompted David Cameron to coin the expression “broken Britain” and fuelled calls for a raft of new family friendly policies. In its latest study Unicef commissioned researchers from Ipsos Mori interviewed hundreds of children in Britain, Sweden and Spain, asking them about their ideas of happiness and success.
Researchers found that consumerism was less deeply embedded in Sweden and Spain, which rank significantly higher for the wellbeing of children. British parents work longer hours and are simply “too tired” to play with their children whom in turn they can no longer control. Families across the country, irrespective of social class or race, are less likely to spend time, eat or play games together, with children often left to their own devices. In British households television is increasingly used as a "babysitter”, while children's bedrooms have become “media bedsits” with computers, games consoles and widescreen TVs taking the place of dolls houses or model aeroplanes.
The report found that children from poorer families were also less likely to take part in outdoor activities than those in the other countries, opting for a “sedentary” lifestyle in front of the television or computer games. The trend was more marked in teenagers. Among the more startling examples of obsessive consumerism uncovered by the report was a mother fretting over whether to buy a Nintendo DS games system for her three- year-old son convinced that he would be bullied if she did not get him one.
In Sweden family time was embedded into the “natural rhythm” of daily life with parents sharing mealtimes, fishing trips, sporting events or evenings in with their children. While in Spain fathers tended to work long hours, children enjoyed more attention from their mothers and wider family circle. But in Britain, some parents spoke of having “given up” on taking their children to organised activities.
The report, authored by Dr Agnes Nairn, an academic and marketing expert, said: “Parents in the UK almost seemed to be locked into a system of consumption which they knew was pointless but they found hard to resist." She concluded that there was an "enormous difference" between Britain and other countries. She said: “While children would prefer time with their parents to heaps of consumer goods, [their] parents seem to find themselves under tremendous pressure to purchase a surfeit of material goods for their children. This compulsive consumption was almost completely absent in both Spain and Sweden.”
Sarah Teather, the UK Children’s Minister, said: "We share Unicef's concerns about the rise of consumerism among children, and it's worrying to see that in some cases parents are under the same pressures. “We are clear this needs to be tackled and are currently working with businesses and regulators to implement the recommendations from Reg Bailey's review on commercialisation and sexualisation of children.”
The original Unicef report, which was published in 2007, ranked Britain bottom out of 21 developed country for child welfare. It was third from bottom for educational standards, bottom for self esteem and second from bottom for the number of teenage pregnancies. British children were twice as likely as the average to have been drunk by the age of 15, and significantly less likely to be in two parent families than those elsewhere, were more likely to have tried drugs and had one of the worst diets in the developed world.
Sue Palmer, author of the book Toxic Childhood, said: “We are teaching our children, practically from the moment they are born, that the one thing that matters is getting more stuff. “We are probably the most secular society in the world, we do not have the counterbalance of religion but at the same time we are a very driven society very into progress and making money.”
The study, which was jointly funded by the Department for Education, was commissioned after an earlier Unicef report ranked Britain as the worst country in the industrialised world to be a child. It prompted David Cameron to coin the expression “broken Britain” and fuelled calls for a raft of new family friendly policies. In its latest study Unicef commissioned researchers from Ipsos Mori interviewed hundreds of children in Britain, Sweden and Spain, asking them about their ideas of happiness and success.
Researchers found that consumerism was less deeply embedded in Sweden and Spain, which rank significantly higher for the wellbeing of children. British parents work longer hours and are simply “too tired” to play with their children whom in turn they can no longer control. Families across the country, irrespective of social class or race, are less likely to spend time, eat or play games together, with children often left to their own devices. In British households television is increasingly used as a "babysitter”, while children's bedrooms have become “media bedsits” with computers, games consoles and widescreen TVs taking the place of dolls houses or model aeroplanes.
The report found that children from poorer families were also less likely to take part in outdoor activities than those in the other countries, opting for a “sedentary” lifestyle in front of the television or computer games. The trend was more marked in teenagers. Among the more startling examples of obsessive consumerism uncovered by the report was a mother fretting over whether to buy a Nintendo DS games system for her three- year-old son convinced that he would be bullied if she did not get him one.
In Sweden family time was embedded into the “natural rhythm” of daily life with parents sharing mealtimes, fishing trips, sporting events or evenings in with their children. While in Spain fathers tended to work long hours, children enjoyed more attention from their mothers and wider family circle. But in Britain, some parents spoke of having “given up” on taking their children to organised activities.
The report, authored by Dr Agnes Nairn, an academic and marketing expert, said: “Parents in the UK almost seemed to be locked into a system of consumption which they knew was pointless but they found hard to resist." She concluded that there was an "enormous difference" between Britain and other countries. She said: “While children would prefer time with their parents to heaps of consumer goods, [their] parents seem to find themselves under tremendous pressure to purchase a surfeit of material goods for their children. This compulsive consumption was almost completely absent in both Spain and Sweden.”
Sarah Teather, the UK Children’s Minister, said: "We share Unicef's concerns about the rise of consumerism among children, and it's worrying to see that in some cases parents are under the same pressures. “We are clear this needs to be tackled and are currently working with businesses and regulators to implement the recommendations from Reg Bailey's review on commercialisation and sexualisation of children.”
The original Unicef report, which was published in 2007, ranked Britain bottom out of 21 developed country for child welfare. It was third from bottom for educational standards, bottom for self esteem and second from bottom for the number of teenage pregnancies. British children were twice as likely as the average to have been drunk by the age of 15, and significantly less likely to be in two parent families than those elsewhere, were more likely to have tried drugs and had one of the worst diets in the developed world.
Sue Palmer, author of the book Toxic Childhood, said: “We are teaching our children, practically from the moment they are born, that the one thing that matters is getting more stuff. “We are probably the most secular society in the world, we do not have the counterbalance of religion but at the same time we are a very driven society very into progress and making money.”
Thursday 15 September 2011
A Dodgy Tummy.
One of my sons is off school today. A dodgy tummy, so he says. Yet he seems in remarkably good spirits! Have I been duped? Is he playing the emotional blackmail card again? I give him the benefit of the doubt.
Each time we find ourselves with time together minus the other two sticks of dynamite, there is calm, peace, relative sanity. And each time he says the very same thing to me. “Dad, this is just like it was when I was at Play Group. Me and you by ourselves.” In those days we had time alone between sessions. And every Thursday we did something special. Short Tennis. Swimming. Board games. Hot chocolate in a wee cafe. A Star Wars film. (It’s the Curriculum for Excellence, if you ask me.)It has made an indelible impression on him. He keeps referring to it.
Time alone with Dad. His time. No sibling rivalry. It is a very simple thing to do. And it has many benefits both ways. Undivided attention from Dad. A child will share many things alone with a parent. You get to really know and enjoy many aspects of your child in their growing up. It’s pleasure, pleasure. And the child is not competing for you with others. If things have not been going well between you and a child it restores your faith and reminds you how much you love them for you see them at their best. If you are afflicted with what has been called ‘Compromised Parental Wellbeing’ whereby you love your children but hate the oft-times grind and hard work of parenting, you can be cured!
One mother of 5 sons decided to set the goal of having one-to-one time with each of them once a month, starting in primary school. She said she could not have imagined doing this with her son when he was 22 if she hadn’t started early. It has made all the difference.
Another parent talks about dating his daughter, meeting her for coffee once a month when she was in the teenage years. But it only works because he carved out special time for her in the primary years. If you consider it important, you simply schedule it in.
A father having special time with his child is of inestimable value.
And the dodgy tummy? Forget the Calpol. It has been miraculously cured by a large dose of Lego Star Wars.
Each time we find ourselves with time together minus the other two sticks of dynamite, there is calm, peace, relative sanity. And each time he says the very same thing to me. “Dad, this is just like it was when I was at Play Group. Me and you by ourselves.” In those days we had time alone between sessions. And every Thursday we did something special. Short Tennis. Swimming. Board games. Hot chocolate in a wee cafe. A Star Wars film. (It’s the Curriculum for Excellence, if you ask me.)It has made an indelible impression on him. He keeps referring to it.
Time alone with Dad. His time. No sibling rivalry. It is a very simple thing to do. And it has many benefits both ways. Undivided attention from Dad. A child will share many things alone with a parent. You get to really know and enjoy many aspects of your child in their growing up. It’s pleasure, pleasure. And the child is not competing for you with others. If things have not been going well between you and a child it restores your faith and reminds you how much you love them for you see them at their best. If you are afflicted with what has been called ‘Compromised Parental Wellbeing’ whereby you love your children but hate the oft-times grind and hard work of parenting, you can be cured!
One mother of 5 sons decided to set the goal of having one-to-one time with each of them once a month, starting in primary school. She said she could not have imagined doing this with her son when he was 22 if she hadn’t started early. It has made all the difference.
Another parent talks about dating his daughter, meeting her for coffee once a month when she was in the teenage years. But it only works because he carved out special time for her in the primary years. If you consider it important, you simply schedule it in.
A father having special time with his child is of inestimable value.
And the dodgy tummy? Forget the Calpol. It has been miraculously cured by a large dose of Lego Star Wars.
Tuesday 13 September 2011
Cabbage Water.
A couple from Bristol have put their marital bliss down to a rather unusual recipe.
Len, 93 and Irene Brown, 91 who met in their early teens have revealed cabbage water as the key ingredient in their 70 year marriage. After decades of enjoying the beverage - made from water left from boiling the green vegetable - they will be celebrating their remarkable platinum wedding anniversary.
Known for its health benefits cabbage became popular with dieters in the Eighties, with a string of celebrities from Liz Hurley to Joanna Lumley opting for low calorie cabbage soup.
Now Len and Irene claim that the purifying water which they enjoy on a regular basis has added years to their lives. Len said: 'Every Sunday we always have cabbage with our Sunday lunch and have a glass of water the cabbage was cooked in. I have had that since I was knee-high. 'My mum always said it purified the blood. I told the doctor the other day and he said that may well be right.'
Len, 93 and Irene Brown, 91 who met in their early teens have revealed cabbage water as the key ingredient in their 70 year marriage. After decades of enjoying the beverage - made from water left from boiling the green vegetable - they will be celebrating their remarkable platinum wedding anniversary.
Known for its health benefits cabbage became popular with dieters in the Eighties, with a string of celebrities from Liz Hurley to Joanna Lumley opting for low calorie cabbage soup.
Now Len and Irene claim that the purifying water which they enjoy on a regular basis has added years to their lives. Len said: 'Every Sunday we always have cabbage with our Sunday lunch and have a glass of water the cabbage was cooked in. I have had that since I was knee-high. 'My mum always said it purified the blood. I told the doctor the other day and he said that may well be right.'
Monday 12 September 2011
Let's Start At The Very Beginning.
Inspite of our very best intentions, we never did make it to Salzburg whilst on holiday in Austria this year. I wanted to be able to tell my brothers I had done the Sound of Music tour! Alas, no. Other things prevailed.
I was put in mind of a song from that film recently when I had to give a short presentation on the work of ‘X plus Y’. What do you say in less than 15 minutes to Church people who wish to support and encourage family life in their community?
Simple really. Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. Begin with new parents, because this is the stage at which relationships are most vulnerable early on. The joys and pressure of new baby are many and varied. Unfortunately some couples don’t survive this stage. But most do, gladly.
Secondly. Take care in the middle. When we become familiar with each other, presume we know each other, have clearly defined roles and routines, this is the phase when we can quietly and unintentionally drift apart. It is worth paying close attention to our relationship during these sometimes routine, monochrone days, even by simply agreeing to spending 15 minutes each day connecting with each other by talking and listening.
‘X plus Y’ - resources designed to help couples on the way.
Tuesday 6 September 2011
The Many Benefits Of Hands-On Dads.
Fathers who are hands-on in the raising of their children can play an important role in the intellectual and behavioural development of their offspring, new research has found. Published in the Canadian Journal of Behavioural Science, the study showed fathers can positively influence their son or daughter by being actively engaged with the little ones.
Erin Pougnet, a PhD candidate in the Concordia University Department of Psychology and a member of the Centre for Research in Human Development - which has been in operation for more than 30 years - said: "Compared with other children with absentee dads, kids whose fathers were active parents in early and middle childhood had fewer behaviour problems and higher intellectual abilities as they grew older."
Ms Pougnet explained this finding is even true among socio-economically at-risk families, as a father has the ability to set appropriate limits and to influence their problem-solving abilities. She suggested dads could also play a role in a child's emotional problems, such as anxiety, social withdrawal and sadness.
Russell Hurn, Chartered Psychologist, commented: "I certainly agree. Not only do actively involved fathers provide additional emotional support but also provide modelling for behaviour, social interaction and the child's self-esteem. Being involved with your child is a way of communicating your acceptance and love for them which can help to form the basis of their self concept and therefore the way they see themselves in the world. The benefits are also for the father as a good bond with your child can promote many positive feelings of self worth, pride and a sense of achievement."
Erin Pougnet, a PhD candidate in the Concordia University Department of Psychology and a member of the Centre for Research in Human Development - which has been in operation for more than 30 years - said: "Compared with other children with absentee dads, kids whose fathers were active parents in early and middle childhood had fewer behaviour problems and higher intellectual abilities as they grew older."
Ms Pougnet explained this finding is even true among socio-economically at-risk families, as a father has the ability to set appropriate limits and to influence their problem-solving abilities. She suggested dads could also play a role in a child's emotional problems, such as anxiety, social withdrawal and sadness.
Russell Hurn, Chartered Psychologist, commented: "I certainly agree. Not only do actively involved fathers provide additional emotional support but also provide modelling for behaviour, social interaction and the child's self-esteem. Being involved with your child is a way of communicating your acceptance and love for them which can help to form the basis of their self concept and therefore the way they see themselves in the world. The benefits are also for the father as a good bond with your child can promote many positive feelings of self worth, pride and a sense of achievement."
Thursday 11 August 2011
The 3 'Rs'
I know I was slow on the uptake at school but even I could suss something wrong. We were taught that the fundamentals were the 3 ‘Rs’. It confused me no end to then find out they were talking about Reading, Writing and Arithmetic. 3 ‘Rs’? One starts with ‘R’ another with ‘W’ and a third with’A.’ My Schonell Spelling book was in danger of being scrapped!
Of course, they were indeed the fundamentals. Essential building blocks for everything else. Nowadays even some celebrity handwriting is being castigated as being illegible, people write very few hand-written letters and as for Maths, we have calculators on our phones, in exams and the till operator at the supermarket is told by the machine exactly what the correct change is.
Fundamentals are important. In the area of relationships some basic behaviours can make a huge difference. So, here are the 3 ‘As.’ 3 simple daily habits which can enhance the flavour of any relationship. Affection. Appreciation. Admiration.
A word, a gesture, a simple act of service. Small things can have a big impact.
Instead of scanning the horizon for our partner’s mistakes perhaps we should try and catch them doing something good and offer encouragement and praise. Build one another up.
Of course, they were indeed the fundamentals. Essential building blocks for everything else. Nowadays even some celebrity handwriting is being castigated as being illegible, people write very few hand-written letters and as for Maths, we have calculators on our phones, in exams and the till operator at the supermarket is told by the machine exactly what the correct change is.
Fundamentals are important. In the area of relationships some basic behaviours can make a huge difference. So, here are the 3 ‘As.’ 3 simple daily habits which can enhance the flavour of any relationship. Affection. Appreciation. Admiration.
A word, a gesture, a simple act of service. Small things can have a big impact.
Instead of scanning the horizon for our partner’s mistakes perhaps we should try and catch them doing something good and offer encouragement and praise. Build one another up.
Monday 1 August 2011
"You do you, I'll do me"
If you¹re concerned about wasting money because you and your mate spend
almost every night together but maintain your own separate homes, don¹t
sweat it. You¹re simply engaging in America¹s “stay-over relationship” trend.
University of Missouri researcher Tyler Jamison says she noticed that most
of her college friends were ‘shacking up,’ but had not formally moved in
together. Instead, they spent three or more nights together a week and still
kept their own places. She conducted a research study among college students
and found that committed couples in their 20s are redefining dating and
breaking social norms with this new relationship model.
Her study of couples who engage in the stayover lifestyle is published in the
current issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
“This seems to be a pretty stable and convenient middle ground between
casual dating and more formal commitments like living together and getting
married,” says Jamison, a University of Missouri doctoral candidate and
researcher in the department of human development and family studies in
Columbia, Mo.
“It¹s a comfortable thing people are doing when they are not totally sure
they want to end up in a permanent situation with a person or don¹t want to
end up living together and having to find another place to live if they are
break or decide who gets the dog."
Jamison believes stay-over relationships represent a general trend that young
people want to delay permanent relationships because they want to finish
their education and pursue other goals. She¹s expanding her research to
examine unmarried parents, and suspects that people of all ages enjoy
stay-over relationships.
“Stay-over is something they can do that doesn¹t have a lot of consequences,
but it has a lot of benefits,” she says.
Until a year ago, Michael Bless Jr., of Auburn Hills, Mich., enjoyed the
benefits of a four-year stay-over relationship. He liked the option of
staying over or staying at home.
“Sometimes, you want your own space, and the next room may not be far
enough,” says the 30-year-old engineering student at Oakland Community
College. “I can love you and be with you almost every night, but there are
times when I want to be alone.”
The couple parted ways when his former girlfriend graduated from the
University of Detroit and took an accounting job in Miami. Wanting to
fulfill his own goals, Bless says, “When she left, my commitment left.”
“That's not surprising”, says Aaron Turpeau, a licensed professional counselor
and relationship expert in Atlanta. “America¹s obsession with independence is
driving these stay-over relationships”, he explains.
“We don¹t want anyone hindering us from doing our thing,” he says. “You hear
people say it all the time: ‘You do you, and I¹ll do me.’ Unfortunately,
this obsession with independence leads to unhealthy human relationships.”
The consequence is people continue living on the fence, never committing one
way or the other, says Turpeau, author of "The Harmonious Way: A Success
Guide Guide to Selecting a Compatible Mate."
“We don¹t value what we don¹t need, and we don¹t love what we don¹t value,”
he says. “I can say I want a relationship, but I don¹t need a relationship.
I want a man, but I don¹t need a man. So we play house; we play marriage and
as soon as we get tired, we go back to our own places.”
Nevertheless, Jamison is not convinced of any long-term consequences of
Stay-over relationships. “Without data, it¹s hard to make a statement about it,” she says. “I doubt it has major implications for later commitments or marriages.”
(Reported in Smart Marriages)
(Actually I think it has huge implications for later marriages)
almost every night together but maintain your own separate homes, don¹t
sweat it. You¹re simply engaging in America¹s “stay-over relationship” trend.
University of Missouri researcher Tyler Jamison says she noticed that most
of her college friends were ‘shacking up,’ but had not formally moved in
together. Instead, they spent three or more nights together a week and still
kept their own places. She conducted a research study among college students
and found that committed couples in their 20s are redefining dating and
breaking social norms with this new relationship model.
Her study of couples who engage in the stayover lifestyle is published in the
current issue of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
“This seems to be a pretty stable and convenient middle ground between
casual dating and more formal commitments like living together and getting
married,” says Jamison, a University of Missouri doctoral candidate and
researcher in the department of human development and family studies in
Columbia, Mo.
“It¹s a comfortable thing people are doing when they are not totally sure
they want to end up in a permanent situation with a person or don¹t want to
end up living together and having to find another place to live if they are
break or decide who gets the dog."
Jamison believes stay-over relationships represent a general trend that young
people want to delay permanent relationships because they want to finish
their education and pursue other goals. She¹s expanding her research to
examine unmarried parents, and suspects that people of all ages enjoy
stay-over relationships.
“Stay-over is something they can do that doesn¹t have a lot of consequences,
but it has a lot of benefits,” she says.
Until a year ago, Michael Bless Jr., of Auburn Hills, Mich., enjoyed the
benefits of a four-year stay-over relationship. He liked the option of
staying over or staying at home.
“Sometimes, you want your own space, and the next room may not be far
enough,” says the 30-year-old engineering student at Oakland Community
College. “I can love you and be with you almost every night, but there are
times when I want to be alone.”
The couple parted ways when his former girlfriend graduated from the
University of Detroit and took an accounting job in Miami. Wanting to
fulfill his own goals, Bless says, “When she left, my commitment left.”
“That's not surprising”, says Aaron Turpeau, a licensed professional counselor
and relationship expert in Atlanta. “America¹s obsession with independence is
driving these stay-over relationships”, he explains.
“We don¹t want anyone hindering us from doing our thing,” he says. “You hear
people say it all the time: ‘You do you, and I¹ll do me.’ Unfortunately,
this obsession with independence leads to unhealthy human relationships.”
The consequence is people continue living on the fence, never committing one
way or the other, says Turpeau, author of "The Harmonious Way: A Success
Guide Guide to Selecting a Compatible Mate."
“We don¹t value what we don¹t need, and we don¹t love what we don¹t value,”
he says. “I can say I want a relationship, but I don¹t need a relationship.
I want a man, but I don¹t need a man. So we play house; we play marriage and
as soon as we get tired, we go back to our own places.”
Nevertheless, Jamison is not convinced of any long-term consequences of
Stay-over relationships. “Without data, it¹s hard to make a statement about it,” she says. “I doubt it has major implications for later commitments or marriages.”
(Reported in Smart Marriages)
(Actually I think it has huge implications for later marriages)
Monday 20 June 2011
Father's Day: The US Open Golf Champion & His Dad.
Speaking of family, how much does it mean that your dad was here to celebrate this monumental victory with you?
RORY McILROY: Yeah, he's been a big help to me all week, just having breakfast with him. I feel like with my dad I can share things with him that maybe I couldn't do with a friend or something like that. So just to sit with him and talk about how I'm feeling and how I'm going to approach the day, he's always so positive. So to have those positive thoughts in your head from him, it's nice to go out on the golf course and think about what he said. He's been a huge help to me, not just this week, obviously, but my entire life. If it wasn't for my mom and dad sacrificing so much, I probably wouldn't be sitting up here right now.
Q. Along those lines, what did you say to each other when you first saw him afterwards? Was the first time you saw him during the round before you tapped in at 18?
RORY McILROY: Yeah, I was looking for him. I knew he was going to be somewhere close after I hit my second shot and was walking down the 18th fairway, I was looking for him over on the left side somewhere. I just spotted him before I hit my first putt. And then when I put it up to whatever it was, a foot or whatever, I looked to him and gave him a little smile, a little grin. I think I might have said Happy Father's Day, I think that might have been the first thing. But, yeah, he's obviously going to be proud of me and everything. It's just great to have him here.
RORY McILROY: Yeah, he's been a big help to me all week, just having breakfast with him. I feel like with my dad I can share things with him that maybe I couldn't do with a friend or something like that. So just to sit with him and talk about how I'm feeling and how I'm going to approach the day, he's always so positive. So to have those positive thoughts in your head from him, it's nice to go out on the golf course and think about what he said. He's been a huge help to me, not just this week, obviously, but my entire life. If it wasn't for my mom and dad sacrificing so much, I probably wouldn't be sitting up here right now.
Q. Along those lines, what did you say to each other when you first saw him afterwards? Was the first time you saw him during the round before you tapped in at 18?
RORY McILROY: Yeah, I was looking for him. I knew he was going to be somewhere close after I hit my second shot and was walking down the 18th fairway, I was looking for him over on the left side somewhere. I just spotted him before I hit my first putt. And then when I put it up to whatever it was, a foot or whatever, I looked to him and gave him a little smile, a little grin. I think I might have said Happy Father's Day, I think that might have been the first thing. But, yeah, he's obviously going to be proud of me and everything. It's just great to have him here.
Thursday 16 June 2011
Father's Day.
How will your child know that you love them?
By what you say? By what you do, constantly showering them, like a "Disney-Dad" with wild experiences and gifts?
Yes indeed, catch them doing something good and praise them. Tell them you love them, regularly. By all means sometimes it is worth us doing the all-singing all-dancing things. Buy your children experiences and memories.
But being Dad is more often than not about something very simple. Availability and accessibility. Time and engagement in the very ordinary every day things. And small gestures which communicate pride and acceptance.
"He loves me, he loves me not, he .........."
I have been remembering you
More often these days.
The warmth of your
Gentle hand-shake.
Your mild-mannerdness,
Integrity,
And the wide respect
You enjoyed.
Your quiet presence
In our home kitchen.
Watching you in your vest
With mirror, brush and razor,
Shaving in the early morning scullery.
Mountains of toast
And porridge for seven mouths.
But this, mostly.
You placing my picture
Twice
In the Coleraine Chronicle
For achievements.
By what you say? By what you do, constantly showering them, like a "Disney-Dad" with wild experiences and gifts?
Yes indeed, catch them doing something good and praise them. Tell them you love them, regularly. By all means sometimes it is worth us doing the all-singing all-dancing things. Buy your children experiences and memories.
But being Dad is more often than not about something very simple. Availability and accessibility. Time and engagement in the very ordinary every day things. And small gestures which communicate pride and acceptance.
"He loves me, he loves me not, he .........."
I have been remembering you
More often these days.
The warmth of your
Gentle hand-shake.
Your mild-mannerdness,
Integrity,
And the wide respect
You enjoyed.
Your quiet presence
In our home kitchen.
Watching you in your vest
With mirror, brush and razor,
Shaving in the early morning scullery.
Mountains of toast
And porridge for seven mouths.
But this, mostly.
You placing my picture
Twice
In the Coleraine Chronicle
For achievements.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Fatherhood. Defining Experiences.
Raymond Carver – the American short story writer and poet published a book in 1985 called “Fires”. It is a collection of essays and poems. Included in the book is a wonderful and moving essay called, “My Father’s Life” and a poem entitled, “Photograph Of My Father In His Twenty Second Year.” He says, “The poem was a way of trying to connect with him” long after he had died.
Trying to connect with your father. For me there have been many connections with my own father. Many of them are connections made after his death. Sigmund Freud called the death of his father, “The most poignant loss of his life.” Sean Connery called it, “A shattering blow.” For me, it was not unexpected and I had been mentally preparing for it for some years, as I knew the day would eventually come. Neil Chethik, in his book, “Fatherloss. How Sons Of All Ages Come To Terms With The Deaths Of Their Dads”, says, “With the death of his Father, each man seems to experience a significant reordering of his inner landscape.” The last ten years have been a reordering of my inner landscape since my father’s passing. Reflecting. Processing. He still moves me.
The other experience which has precipitated reflection has been that of becoming a dad. Raymond Carver said of his own life, ”The biggest single influence on my writing, directly and indirectly, has been my two children. They were born before I was twenty and from beginning to end – some nineteen years in all – there wasn’t any area of my life where their heavy and often baleful influence didn’t reach.” There is no question about it. Children change your life and in ways you may not or could not have imagined. And not always as negatively as Carver experienced. But there were other pressures in his life at that time, specifically, not much money, cramped living space, both partners trying to work part-time and him trying to make it as a writer.
Fatherloss and Parenthood - defining experiences. How much would dad have enjoyed my children? From father to father what would he have said to me?
“Not just any Dad will do,” says John Gottman. “Children’s lives are greatly enhanced by fathers who are emotionally present and validating and able to offer comfort in times of distress.” The continuing challenge is to be available and accessible.
From A Photograph of My Father As Young Man.
When they said,
Perhaps months or
A few weeks at the most,
I saw him again, as a young man
With a broad smile.
In love with life
And stepping out with friends
On O’Connell Street,
Coming from Lansdowne Road.
His open raincoat behaving with
Unruly exuberance
In the January wind.
Trying to connect with your father. For me there have been many connections with my own father. Many of them are connections made after his death. Sigmund Freud called the death of his father, “The most poignant loss of his life.” Sean Connery called it, “A shattering blow.” For me, it was not unexpected and I had been mentally preparing for it for some years, as I knew the day would eventually come. Neil Chethik, in his book, “Fatherloss. How Sons Of All Ages Come To Terms With The Deaths Of Their Dads”, says, “With the death of his Father, each man seems to experience a significant reordering of his inner landscape.” The last ten years have been a reordering of my inner landscape since my father’s passing. Reflecting. Processing. He still moves me.
The other experience which has precipitated reflection has been that of becoming a dad. Raymond Carver said of his own life, ”The biggest single influence on my writing, directly and indirectly, has been my two children. They were born before I was twenty and from beginning to end – some nineteen years in all – there wasn’t any area of my life where their heavy and often baleful influence didn’t reach.” There is no question about it. Children change your life and in ways you may not or could not have imagined. And not always as negatively as Carver experienced. But there were other pressures in his life at that time, specifically, not much money, cramped living space, both partners trying to work part-time and him trying to make it as a writer.
Fatherloss and Parenthood - defining experiences. How much would dad have enjoyed my children? From father to father what would he have said to me?
“Not just any Dad will do,” says John Gottman. “Children’s lives are greatly enhanced by fathers who are emotionally present and validating and able to offer comfort in times of distress.” The continuing challenge is to be available and accessible.
From A Photograph of My Father As Young Man.
When they said,
Perhaps months or
A few weeks at the most,
I saw him again, as a young man
With a broad smile.
In love with life
And stepping out with friends
On O’Connell Street,
Coming from Lansdowne Road.
His open raincoat behaving with
Unruly exuberance
In the January wind.
Monday 13 June 2011
What My Father Told Me.
My Father told me he was pleased at some of my accomplishments.
My Father told me, "Always keep the family together and make sure you spend time with your children."
My Father said, "Be honest in what you do and that will stand you in good stead no matter what you do in life."
My Father said, "It's ok son. We all make mistakes in life."
The most important words from my Father? "Son you are a Bachelor Boy and that's the way to stay. Son you be a Bachelor Boy until your dying day."
What my Father said was, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found." Boy did we celebrate!
My Father told me, "Always keep the family together and make sure you spend time with your children."
My Father said, "Be honest in what you do and that will stand you in good stead no matter what you do in life."
My Father said, "It's ok son. We all make mistakes in life."
The most important words from my Father? "Son you are a Bachelor Boy and that's the way to stay. Son you be a Bachelor Boy until your dying day."
What my Father said was, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found." Boy did we celebrate!
Tuesday 7 June 2011
Comments From Mars. Comments From Venus..
Recent comments from an evening session of "Love Well-Live Well" with 15 couples.
From Mars.
Having been to “Love Well-Live Well.”I am excited about the prospect of getting married.
I felt just ok about the prospect of coming to an evening for couples. Now at the end I am going away motivated about my marriage.
We have been married for 28 years. This evening has affirmed us and encouraged us.
“Love Well-Live Well” has given me a feeling of reconnecting with my partner.
From Venus.
After 7 years of marriage this evening has given us food for thought about our relationship.
I was intrigued about coming on an evening for couples, having been married for 26 years. I feel motivated about our marriage having been here.
Many thanks. Much of tonight was about things we already knew but needed reminding of.
I found this evening very informative. After 10 years of being together, it was good to be reminded of some of the basics of marriage.
It was great to recognise how far we have come as a couple and to realise there are things to work on. The practical exercises were really useful and interesting.
Love Well-Live Well. An evening for couples.
From Mars.
Having been to “Love Well-Live Well.”I am excited about the prospect of getting married.
I felt just ok about the prospect of coming to an evening for couples. Now at the end I am going away motivated about my marriage.
We have been married for 28 years. This evening has affirmed us and encouraged us.
“Love Well-Live Well” has given me a feeling of reconnecting with my partner.
From Venus.
After 7 years of marriage this evening has given us food for thought about our relationship.
I was intrigued about coming on an evening for couples, having been married for 26 years. I feel motivated about our marriage having been here.
Many thanks. Much of tonight was about things we already knew but needed reminding of.
I found this evening very informative. After 10 years of being together, it was good to be reminded of some of the basics of marriage.
It was great to recognise how far we have come as a couple and to realise there are things to work on. The practical exercises were really useful and interesting.
Love Well-Live Well. An evening for couples.
Thursday 2 June 2011
On The Road With "X plus Y."
Heading for East Kilbride this weekend to Calderwood Baptist Church. A busy programme.
"Love Well. Live Well" for 15 couples - Friday evening.
Dads & Grandads Breakfast - Saturday morning.
Parent's Chat - Saturday Afternoon.
Talking about Mentoring - Saturday evening.
Preaching - Sunday morning.
Toddler Group Monday morning - "Letssticktogether."
It's a weekend package with a menu of options. Ideal for any Church weekend.
"Love Well. Live Well" for 15 couples - Friday evening.
Dads & Grandads Breakfast - Saturday morning.
Parent's Chat - Saturday Afternoon.
Talking about Mentoring - Saturday evening.
Preaching - Sunday morning.
Toddler Group Monday morning - "Letssticktogether."
It's a weekend package with a menu of options. Ideal for any Church weekend.
Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.
I love the Elton John song, “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.” It is the wee man from Watford at his very best. It can indeed be a hard word to utter because it involves admitting wrong-doing and our pride gets in the way of that. But sometimes even if it is uttered we may not really feel that it is genuine. The Queen in Ireland recently, acknowledged the wrongs and mistakes of the past. Genuine apology? For many, yes, because the very act of saying sorry is enough. For others some sort of recompense is necessary for an apology to be sufficient.
This has been starkly highlighted by events in Australia recently. “Another year. Another Reconciliation Week and National Sorry Day” says Karen Ashford (www.sbs.com.au) “ For many Aboriginal people it’s an increasingly hollow gesture. They want compensation for their forced removal from their families. But the refusal of multiple Governments to establish compensations schemes means they are sceptical that when the Government says they are sorry they really mean it.”
In the sphere of family and other relationships our desire for restitution is almost always based upon our need for love. After being hurt deeply we need the reassurance that the person who hurt us still loves and cares for us. So words alone, for some people are not enough. The effort to make restitution indicates that the apology is more than just empty, easy-to-trip-off-the -tongue words.
For many, the Aboriginies included, the words need to be backed up by deeds to indicate that they are truly genuine. Then the relationship can move forward again with trust slowly being rebuilt.
This has been starkly highlighted by events in Australia recently. “Another year. Another Reconciliation Week and National Sorry Day” says Karen Ashford (www.sbs.com.au) “ For many Aboriginal people it’s an increasingly hollow gesture. They want compensation for their forced removal from their families. But the refusal of multiple Governments to establish compensations schemes means they are sceptical that when the Government says they are sorry they really mean it.”
In the sphere of family and other relationships our desire for restitution is almost always based upon our need for love. After being hurt deeply we need the reassurance that the person who hurt us still loves and cares for us. So words alone, for some people are not enough. The effort to make restitution indicates that the apology is more than just empty, easy-to-trip-off-the -tongue words.
For many, the Aboriginies included, the words need to be backed up by deeds to indicate that they are truly genuine. Then the relationship can move forward again with trust slowly being rebuilt.
Monday 30 May 2011
Why Get Married After Having Children? Some Views.
Labour leader Ed Miliband and his long-term partner Justine Thornton got married last week. They already have two children, so why get hitched?
For many people having a child is the ultimate commitment to a partner. A life you have created together and are responsible for raising. It's a commitment many people make without getting married. But some then go on to tie the knot, like Ed Miliband and his partner of six years, Justine Thornton. Why?
There are the obvious financial and legal advantages to getting married. For older people issues surrounding pensions and inheritance are often the reason they decide to get hitched after years together. But Miliband and Thornton are still young. And while the pressures on the leader of the Labour party will be slightly different to those of the average person, there is no mistaking that attitudes to marriage and family have changed. Getting married used to be about sex, living together and having children, but research shows this is no longer the case.
According to the latest British Social Attitudes (BSA) Survey, which was conducted in 2008, almost two-thirds of people now see little difference between marriage and living together. Fewer than a fifth of people took issue with it. Just under half thought cohabitation showed just as much commitment as getting married. When it comes to children, where opinion can often be a bit more traditional, only 28% said they believe married couples make better parents.
So why do it? Psychologist Donna Dawson, who has specialised in sex and relationships, says it is often about making a public statement."Having the children take part is like a ceremonial creation of a family and a public statement that they are all in it together. It's very much a 21st Century ritual, which more and more people will be doing. She says even when couples say there isn't a specific reason, there is "always something going on underneath". Sometimes it is about marking a different stage in a relationship, or they might have taken a long time because of the bad example they were set by their own parents. There is usually a reason, even if they are not fully aware of it.
Chris, 41, and his partner were together for nine years and had two children when they got married. He didn't feel any direct pressure from his partner or family, but says as his children got older he wanted them to have parents who were married."For me a big part of it was the children," he says. "I didn't want them to be asked at school why their parents weren't married. I suppose you could say that was me feeling a slight pressure to conform to social norms, but if I hadn't wanted to get married in the first place I definitely wouldn't have done it."
But people who get married after having children could actually be the traditionalists. Historically, the UK has a long tradition of informal "marriages" that were recognised by the community, says Penny Mansfield, director of the relationship research organisation One Plus One.
'Golden age'
"If you cohabited or had children together you were as good as married in everyone's eyes. It's only after the introduction of the Hardwicke Marriage Act in 1753 that marriage became a legal concept and unmarried couples became stigmatised. She says the "golden age" of marriage was as recent as the 1960s and 70s, when more people got married than ever before. Marriage was seen as a passport to adulthood, when you were allowed to have sex and live together.
"Obviously, people wanted that freedom as soon as they could," says Mansfield. "The average age of people getting married was 21 for women and 23 for men. Now you can put a decade on those ages and that's because sex and cohabitation outside of marriage are largely accepted. Now I think people get married after the house and kids because it is very much a public celebration of what they have, rather than the passport to adulthood."
Guardian columnist Zoe Williams has been with her partner for six years and has two children - just like Miliband and Thornton - but says she thinks it is a "weird gesture" to get married at this stage. "It's now socially acceptable to have sex, live together and have kids outside of marriage, so why spend £10,000 or more on a wedding?" she says. "Having kids is a much bigger deal than marriage, a much bigger statement of commitment. Personally, I just don't think about getting married. I simply have never felt a need to be married."
In the end it could all be about having a big party for Ed and Justine. According to BSA survey, 53% of people now think a wedding is more about a celebration than a life-long commitment.
For many people having a child is the ultimate commitment to a partner. A life you have created together and are responsible for raising. It's a commitment many people make without getting married. But some then go on to tie the knot, like Ed Miliband and his partner of six years, Justine Thornton. Why?
There are the obvious financial and legal advantages to getting married. For older people issues surrounding pensions and inheritance are often the reason they decide to get hitched after years together. But Miliband and Thornton are still young. And while the pressures on the leader of the Labour party will be slightly different to those of the average person, there is no mistaking that attitudes to marriage and family have changed. Getting married used to be about sex, living together and having children, but research shows this is no longer the case.
According to the latest British Social Attitudes (BSA) Survey, which was conducted in 2008, almost two-thirds of people now see little difference between marriage and living together. Fewer than a fifth of people took issue with it. Just under half thought cohabitation showed just as much commitment as getting married. When it comes to children, where opinion can often be a bit more traditional, only 28% said they believe married couples make better parents.
So why do it? Psychologist Donna Dawson, who has specialised in sex and relationships, says it is often about making a public statement."Having the children take part is like a ceremonial creation of a family and a public statement that they are all in it together. It's very much a 21st Century ritual, which more and more people will be doing. She says even when couples say there isn't a specific reason, there is "always something going on underneath". Sometimes it is about marking a different stage in a relationship, or they might have taken a long time because of the bad example they were set by their own parents. There is usually a reason, even if they are not fully aware of it.
Chris, 41, and his partner were together for nine years and had two children when they got married. He didn't feel any direct pressure from his partner or family, but says as his children got older he wanted them to have parents who were married."For me a big part of it was the children," he says. "I didn't want them to be asked at school why their parents weren't married. I suppose you could say that was me feeling a slight pressure to conform to social norms, but if I hadn't wanted to get married in the first place I definitely wouldn't have done it."
But people who get married after having children could actually be the traditionalists. Historically, the UK has a long tradition of informal "marriages" that were recognised by the community, says Penny Mansfield, director of the relationship research organisation One Plus One.
'Golden age'
"If you cohabited or had children together you were as good as married in everyone's eyes. It's only after the introduction of the Hardwicke Marriage Act in 1753 that marriage became a legal concept and unmarried couples became stigmatised. She says the "golden age" of marriage was as recent as the 1960s and 70s, when more people got married than ever before. Marriage was seen as a passport to adulthood, when you were allowed to have sex and live together.
"Obviously, people wanted that freedom as soon as they could," says Mansfield. "The average age of people getting married was 21 for women and 23 for men. Now you can put a decade on those ages and that's because sex and cohabitation outside of marriage are largely accepted. Now I think people get married after the house and kids because it is very much a public celebration of what they have, rather than the passport to adulthood."
Guardian columnist Zoe Williams has been with her partner for six years and has two children - just like Miliband and Thornton - but says she thinks it is a "weird gesture" to get married at this stage. "It's now socially acceptable to have sex, live together and have kids outside of marriage, so why spend £10,000 or more on a wedding?" she says. "Having kids is a much bigger deal than marriage, a much bigger statement of commitment. Personally, I just don't think about getting married. I simply have never felt a need to be married."
In the end it could all be about having a big party for Ed and Justine. According to BSA survey, 53% of people now think a wedding is more about a celebration than a life-long commitment.
Thursday 26 May 2011
Murphy's Laws of Parenting.
• The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
• The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
• The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
• A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
• For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
• Toys multiply to fill any space available.
• Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
• If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.
• Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
• The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
• The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
• The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
• A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.
• For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
• Toys multiply to fill any space available.
• Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.
• If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.
• Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
• The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Loving your Enemies.
Is it possible to love someone whom you hate?
My wife and I have often reflected on the early days of our marriage when both of us experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt, and on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What made the difference for us? We both agree it was the choice to love.
We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning we would destroy our marriage. Fortunately over a period of about a year, we learned how to discuss our differences without condemning each other, how to make decisions without destroying our unity, and how to give constructive suggestions without being demanding.
What made all of this possible? Basically it was learning how to speak each others' primary love language.
Our choice to love was made in the midst of negative feelings toward each other.
When we stated speaking each other's primary love language, the negative feelings of anger and hate abated. Yes, you can love someone whom you are presently hating.
Dr Gary Chapman. "The 5 Love Languages."
My wife and I have often reflected on the early days of our marriage when both of us experienced feelings of hate. Our condemning words to each other had stimulated hurt, and on the heels of hurt, anger. Anger held inside becomes hate. What made the difference for us? We both agree it was the choice to love.
We had realized that if we continued our pattern of demanding and condemning we would destroy our marriage. Fortunately over a period of about a year, we learned how to discuss our differences without condemning each other, how to make decisions without destroying our unity, and how to give constructive suggestions without being demanding.
What made all of this possible? Basically it was learning how to speak each others' primary love language.
Our choice to love was made in the midst of negative feelings toward each other.
When we stated speaking each other's primary love language, the negative feelings of anger and hate abated. Yes, you can love someone whom you are presently hating.
Dr Gary Chapman. "The 5 Love Languages."
Tuesday 17 May 2011
Priorities.
Is your family one of your top priorities? Believing that God established marriage and family as the most basic unit of society makes family extremely important.
Within family relationships, we recognize that the marriage relationship is more fundamental than the parent-child relationship. Marriage is a lifelong, intimate relationship, whereas most children will eventually leave their parents and establish their own marriages.
The quality of the marriage is also important because it greatly affects the parent-child relationship.
If family is one of my top priorities, then how will that affect the way I spend my time, money, and energy?
When I am loving my wife by "acts of service" I am also doing something for my children. I'm setting for them a model which I hope they will remember when they get married. One of the most important things you can do for your children is to love and serve your spouse. Nothing creates a more secure environment for children than seeing Mum and Dad loving each other.
Today, let your children see you loving your spouse.
(Dr Gary Chapman)
Within family relationships, we recognize that the marriage relationship is more fundamental than the parent-child relationship. Marriage is a lifelong, intimate relationship, whereas most children will eventually leave their parents and establish their own marriages.
The quality of the marriage is also important because it greatly affects the parent-child relationship.
If family is one of my top priorities, then how will that affect the way I spend my time, money, and energy?
When I am loving my wife by "acts of service" I am also doing something for my children. I'm setting for them a model which I hope they will remember when they get married. One of the most important things you can do for your children is to love and serve your spouse. Nothing creates a more secure environment for children than seeing Mum and Dad loving each other.
Today, let your children see you loving your spouse.
(Dr Gary Chapman)
Monday 16 May 2011
Marriage Is Political.
Questioned last week about whether his decision to get married is a political one, Ed Miliband insisted that, 'what people care about in this country is people having stable families.' This answer reveals a disturbing failure by the leader of Her Majesty's Official Opposition to understand two crucial facts that fresh research by Jubilee Centre to be published in the coming weeks makes increasingly plain.
Firstly, that marriage is always political, for it has huge social and economic ramifications; and secondly, that all other forms of relationship offer families far less stability than marriage.
It is also a public health issue.........to the cost of £42 billion a year.
John Hayward - The Jubilee Centre.
Firstly, that marriage is always political, for it has huge social and economic ramifications; and secondly, that all other forms of relationship offer families far less stability than marriage.
It is also a public health issue.........to the cost of £42 billion a year.
John Hayward - The Jubilee Centre.
Tuesday 10 May 2011
A Usain Bolt Moment.
I remember the title of the day conference very well. “Slaying The Dragon”. It was held in Glasgow and was aimed at dealing with the issue of drugs and substance abuse. I recall nothing any of the speakers said. But what I do recall is being stunned and gob-smacked by the statistics on the overhead projector (you know, that antiquated machine with the acetates which you now see in museums or in Church cupboards).
So much was being said about heroin and ecstasy. But by comparison, the graph showing deaths from smoking and alcohol related illness were miles ahead. It was a Usain Bolt moment! I was wide-eyed and almost disbelieving what I was seeing.
It occurred to me that we are influenced so much by media attention on particular things, especially the tragic deaths of young people. But the enormous detrimental impact of smoking and alcohol, at the time were way down the list somewhere and not on the agenda. I came away feeling the need to be more accurately informed by the facts than just swallowing what the media serve up.
Now when it comes to family breakdown I feel the same is happening. We are told that the form of the family does not matter. What matters is good parenting. But the facts tell another story. The cost of family breakdown is an enormous problem. It costs £42,000 million every year, according to the Relationship Foundation. A Usain Bolt moment?
Most of this represents the cost of supporting lone parent families. This vast bill is bigger than the entire defence budget and yet we still have no government policy to manage it better. This is not to lay blame at the door of single parents but simply to acknowledge that uncommitted relationships, cohabiting, simply does not work and it is this which is driving family break-down. The financial costs alone are staggering. And it is largely preventable.
Slaying this dragon is not impossible. It requires a shift of emphasis from cure to prevention. A Government led strategy to put prevention measures in place rather than simply be there to pick up the pieces would be a good start. We need to think long term and not just be reactive to emergency present needs.
So much was being said about heroin and ecstasy. But by comparison, the graph showing deaths from smoking and alcohol related illness were miles ahead. It was a Usain Bolt moment! I was wide-eyed and almost disbelieving what I was seeing.
It occurred to me that we are influenced so much by media attention on particular things, especially the tragic deaths of young people. But the enormous detrimental impact of smoking and alcohol, at the time were way down the list somewhere and not on the agenda. I came away feeling the need to be more accurately informed by the facts than just swallowing what the media serve up.
Now when it comes to family breakdown I feel the same is happening. We are told that the form of the family does not matter. What matters is good parenting. But the facts tell another story. The cost of family breakdown is an enormous problem. It costs £42,000 million every year, according to the Relationship Foundation. A Usain Bolt moment?
Most of this represents the cost of supporting lone parent families. This vast bill is bigger than the entire defence budget and yet we still have no government policy to manage it better. This is not to lay blame at the door of single parents but simply to acknowledge that uncommitted relationships, cohabiting, simply does not work and it is this which is driving family break-down. The financial costs alone are staggering. And it is largely preventable.
Slaying this dragon is not impossible. It requires a shift of emphasis from cure to prevention. A Government led strategy to put prevention measures in place rather than simply be there to pick up the pieces would be a good start. We need to think long term and not just be reactive to emergency present needs.
Wednesday 4 May 2011
92% Live Together Before Marriage.
Nine in 10 British newlyweds have lived together before their wedding day, a new survey has suggested. For past generations, cohabiting prior to marriage was frowned upon by some, but 92% of recently wed adults asked said they had done so, with one third of those cohabiting for one to two years. In contrast only 10% of married couples shared a home together before tying the knot a quarter of a century ago.
The survey by online relationship site eHarmony.co.uk polled 505 married adults of 25 years or more, and 530 married adults of one year or less. It found it was more common today for couples to separate at some point during their relationship, then get back together at a later stage and marry.
Half (50%) of the newlyweds surveyed had spent some time "on a break" from their partner before going on to wed, compared with only 20% of those married 25 years ago. More than a third (38%) of newlyweds said they were already raising a child together, compared with just 9% of past newlyweds who had children before they got married.
Both sets of adults polled agreed the most important thing to achieve before their wedding day was financial stability.
Dr Gian Gonzaga of eHarmony.co.uk said: "Whilst a lot has changed in the journey couples take to marriage, one thing remains true. It is important to take the time to understand if you and your partner will be compatible across the long haul."
Of course that is important. But does living together before marriage deliver that understanding?
The survey by online relationship site eHarmony.co.uk polled 505 married adults of 25 years or more, and 530 married adults of one year or less. It found it was more common today for couples to separate at some point during their relationship, then get back together at a later stage and marry.
Half (50%) of the newlyweds surveyed had spent some time "on a break" from their partner before going on to wed, compared with only 20% of those married 25 years ago. More than a third (38%) of newlyweds said they were already raising a child together, compared with just 9% of past newlyweds who had children before they got married.
Both sets of adults polled agreed the most important thing to achieve before their wedding day was financial stability.
Dr Gian Gonzaga of eHarmony.co.uk said: "Whilst a lot has changed in the journey couples take to marriage, one thing remains true. It is important to take the time to understand if you and your partner will be compatible across the long haul."
Of course that is important. But does living together before marriage deliver that understanding?
Thursday 28 April 2011
Ten Rules For A Healthy Relationship. Numbers 6 - 10
6. Don’t dump out all your stored-up complaints. Keep a few in reserve so you won’t be caught with nothing left while your partner still has four or five.
7. Restate your partner’s message. Let him see how truly irrational it is.
8. Make “I” statements, not “you” statements, except when nothing but a good “you” statement will do.
9. Don’t raise your voice. You can have so much more effect by speaking softly between clenched teeth.
10. Accept your partner the way she is. You can’t change people—you can only change yourself—so don’t try to change her, except, of course, for the few things that really do need changing. In fact, make a list.
7. Restate your partner’s message. Let him see how truly irrational it is.
8. Make “I” statements, not “you” statements, except when nothing but a good “you” statement will do.
9. Don’t raise your voice. You can have so much more effect by speaking softly between clenched teeth.
10. Accept your partner the way she is. You can’t change people—you can only change yourself—so don’t try to change her, except, of course, for the few things that really do need changing. In fact, make a list.
Wednesday 27 April 2011
Ten Rules For A Healthy Relationship. 1 - 5
1. Never go to bed angry. Stay up all night yelling and screaming. After the way your partner behaved, he doesn’t deserve to sleep.
2. Don’t jump in to help when your partner is telling a joke, unless, of course, you can tell it much better.
3. When fighting, take a time out. That will give you a chance to come up with more devastating putdowns.
4. Don’t interrupt your partner. You need to have all the facts in order to show her how totally wrong she is.
5. Don’t mind read. Your partner might be thinking awful things about you that you don’t want to know.
Courtesy: Dan Wiles, www.psychotherapy.net
2. Don’t jump in to help when your partner is telling a joke, unless, of course, you can tell it much better.
3. When fighting, take a time out. That will give you a chance to come up with more devastating putdowns.
4. Don’t interrupt your partner. You need to have all the facts in order to show her how totally wrong she is.
5. Don’t mind read. Your partner might be thinking awful things about you that you don’t want to know.
Courtesy: Dan Wiles, www.psychotherapy.net
Monday 25 April 2011
Grandparenting & Children.
If you have children and you live long enough, you're likely to become a grandparent.
What does becoming a grandparent have to do with marriage? It creates another whole set of dynamics - things about which you and your spouse may agree or disagree. In short, it may create more conflict.
The very thought of becoming a grandparent sends some people into a tailspin. Some grandparents take the attitude, "I raised my kids, they can raise theirs." Others say, "Don't call me Grandma - I'm not that old."
Research indicates that many children do not have a close relationship with their grandparents.
On the other hand, those grandparents who take their grandchildren seriously, usually have a strong influence on the children.
If you don't yet have grandchildren, now's the time to talk about it. If the two of you get on the same page before the grandchildren are born, you're less likely to have conflicts after they arrive.
If you already have grandchildren and they're coming for a visit, share your concerns with each other before the grandchildren get there. Don't argue in front of them.
Courtesy: Dr Gary Chapman.
What does becoming a grandparent have to do with marriage? It creates another whole set of dynamics - things about which you and your spouse may agree or disagree. In short, it may create more conflict.
The very thought of becoming a grandparent sends some people into a tailspin. Some grandparents take the attitude, "I raised my kids, they can raise theirs." Others say, "Don't call me Grandma - I'm not that old."
Research indicates that many children do not have a close relationship with their grandparents.
On the other hand, those grandparents who take their grandchildren seriously, usually have a strong influence on the children.
If you don't yet have grandchildren, now's the time to talk about it. If the two of you get on the same page before the grandchildren are born, you're less likely to have conflicts after they arrive.
If you already have grandchildren and they're coming for a visit, share your concerns with each other before the grandchildren get there. Don't argue in front of them.
Courtesy: Dr Gary Chapman.
Friday 22 April 2011
Foot Washing.
It is Easter week. This is the time of the year when Christians remember the last week of the life of Jesus. During this week on the Thursday they recall his last meal, a Passover with his disciples. In the course of the evening there is the stunning incident when the Rabbi, in the true spirit of servant-hood, washes the feet of his own followers, including the feet of one who was, by all accounts, the least loveable. And then he instructs them henceforth to wash each other’s feet!
The significance of this incident only dawned on me long after I first read it. On two separate occasions, years apart its power was impressed upon me.
I had been on holiday in Greece with a large group. We had spent a day in Athens during a week in which the city had experienced a heat wave. Our bus back to our camp site was late. So we loitered around in the uncomfortable heat, sweaty, sticky, feet feeling very grubby after a day tramping around the city sites. I meandered over to a fountain and sat on the edge with my ice lolly. And I put my tired plates of meat straight into the water. What an absolutely fantastic feeling, not only of mild coolness but sudden cleanliness. The penny dropped!
Many years later a friend came to visit our home for tea. Six of us enjoyed a good meal. After, with my wife, we switched into bed-time-routine mode with the children and “abandoned” our guest as it was all hands to the pump to get the children organised. By 9 o’clock we had completed the “task” and sauntered down to begin to clear up from tea. Fill the dishwasher, sweep floors, wipe the table, do the pots and pans, clean the cooker. A nightly 9pm routine alas.(We are not that bad really but things can build up, know what I mean?)
To our utter astonishment and sheer delight our guest had done the lot! It was such a fantastic feeling. It is what I call the “dynamic equivalent” of actually washing someone else’s feet. And it brought us such unexpected pleasure. No dishes! A tidy kitchen!
What would happen in a relationship,where things are decidedly cool, not going well at all, if we were to take the initiative and wash the other person’s feet? How might it bring about a climate change? It could be the first step back on the way path from autumn to summer.
Our feelings may be cool and cooling fast. We may be slowly disengaging emotionally from each other. It may have crept up on us in the midst of our partnership as parents with all the ordinary things needing attending to. But love is a choice. It is about attitude. Feet need washing every day. A simple act of the will on a daily basis may be the route into rediscovering love again.
I think it’s called, resurrection.
The significance of this incident only dawned on me long after I first read it. On two separate occasions, years apart its power was impressed upon me.
I had been on holiday in Greece with a large group. We had spent a day in Athens during a week in which the city had experienced a heat wave. Our bus back to our camp site was late. So we loitered around in the uncomfortable heat, sweaty, sticky, feet feeling very grubby after a day tramping around the city sites. I meandered over to a fountain and sat on the edge with my ice lolly. And I put my tired plates of meat straight into the water. What an absolutely fantastic feeling, not only of mild coolness but sudden cleanliness. The penny dropped!
Many years later a friend came to visit our home for tea. Six of us enjoyed a good meal. After, with my wife, we switched into bed-time-routine mode with the children and “abandoned” our guest as it was all hands to the pump to get the children organised. By 9 o’clock we had completed the “task” and sauntered down to begin to clear up from tea. Fill the dishwasher, sweep floors, wipe the table, do the pots and pans, clean the cooker. A nightly 9pm routine alas.(We are not that bad really but things can build up, know what I mean?)
To our utter astonishment and sheer delight our guest had done the lot! It was such a fantastic feeling. It is what I call the “dynamic equivalent” of actually washing someone else’s feet. And it brought us such unexpected pleasure. No dishes! A tidy kitchen!
What would happen in a relationship,where things are decidedly cool, not going well at all, if we were to take the initiative and wash the other person’s feet? How might it bring about a climate change? It could be the first step back on the way path from autumn to summer.
Our feelings may be cool and cooling fast. We may be slowly disengaging emotionally from each other. It may have crept up on us in the midst of our partnership as parents with all the ordinary things needing attending to. But love is a choice. It is about attitude. Feet need washing every day. A simple act of the will on a daily basis may be the route into rediscovering love again.
I think it’s called, resurrection.
Thursday 21 April 2011
Children Forced To Grow Up Too Quickly?
Almost nine out of ten parents think children are being forced to grow up too quickly.
Nearly half of parents are unhappy with programmes or adverts on TV before the 9pm watershed. A survey of over 1000 parents of all backgrounds has revealed that 88 per cent think that children are under pressure to grow up too quickly.
The survey forms part of the independent Bailey Review of Commercialisation and Sexualisation of Childhood, commissioned by the Department to unravel and tackle issues around the premature sexualisation and commercialisation of children.
Celebrity culture, adult style clothes and music videos are all guilty in parents’ eyes of encouraging children to act older than they are.
The survey aimed to find out what parents think and what help they need to manage the pressures on their children. The Bailey Review has also been listening to parents through focus groups and a call for evidence, which received an overwhelming response from parents.
Specific areas of concern are emerging from parents. These include:
• Clothes to be clearly age appropriate and not simply scaled down versions of adult fashion.
• Increasingly sexualised content in music videos and pre-watershed TV with ‘too adult’ themes in some soap operas.
• Pressure to buy non-essential items for their children so they don’t feel left out.
Reg Bailey, Chief Executive of the Mothers Union, is leading an independent review into the Commercialisation and Sexualisation of Childhood. He said: Parents are telling us in no uncertain terms that they are worried about the pressures on children to grow up too quickly. It is clear that their concerns have not been created out of a moral panic but from their everyday experience. They are struggling against the slow creep of an increasingly commercial and sexualised culture and behaviour, which they say prevents them from parenting the way they want.
Nearly half of parents are unhappy with programmes or adverts on TV before the 9pm watershed. A survey of over 1000 parents of all backgrounds has revealed that 88 per cent think that children are under pressure to grow up too quickly.
The survey forms part of the independent Bailey Review of Commercialisation and Sexualisation of Childhood, commissioned by the Department to unravel and tackle issues around the premature sexualisation and commercialisation of children.
Celebrity culture, adult style clothes and music videos are all guilty in parents’ eyes of encouraging children to act older than they are.
The survey aimed to find out what parents think and what help they need to manage the pressures on their children. The Bailey Review has also been listening to parents through focus groups and a call for evidence, which received an overwhelming response from parents.
Specific areas of concern are emerging from parents. These include:
• Clothes to be clearly age appropriate and not simply scaled down versions of adult fashion.
• Increasingly sexualised content in music videos and pre-watershed TV with ‘too adult’ themes in some soap operas.
• Pressure to buy non-essential items for their children so they don’t feel left out.
Reg Bailey, Chief Executive of the Mothers Union, is leading an independent review into the Commercialisation and Sexualisation of Childhood. He said: Parents are telling us in no uncertain terms that they are worried about the pressures on children to grow up too quickly. It is clear that their concerns have not been created out of a moral panic but from their everyday experience. They are struggling against the slow creep of an increasingly commercial and sexualised culture and behaviour, which they say prevents them from parenting the way they want.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
National Childbirth Trust Conference
The NCT (National Childbirth Trust) is holding a Regional Day at Inshes Church, Inverness on Sat 21st May 2011 from 10am – 4pm and we would like to invite you and any colleagues to come along and join us. We are still finalising the programme but so far there will be the opportunity to;
• Hear about Breastfeeding Peer Support in NHS Highland.
• Hear about X plus Y project from Relationship Educator Colm Black.
• Meet NCT practitioners, staff and volunteers.
• Find out about NCT and how the organisation can support your work.
• Meet other agencies and professionals.
The day is free and refreshments and lunch is available.
A full programme will be available soon so please let us know if you would like more information and/or attend. Please contact Barbara – details below or Karen Paterson, Regional Coordinator, NCT Scotland. karen.paterson10@btinternet.com
NCT is here to support parents. Through our courses, branches and helplines, our volunteers and qualified staff give parents accurate, impartial information so that they can decide what’s best for their family. Through us, they can join a support network of other parents nearby, which can be a lifeline in the early years. We are the UK’s leading parenting charity and being independent, we have an influential voice in campaigning and lobbying on the issues that parents care about.
We look forward to hearing from you and hopefully meeting you on 21st May.
Barbara Purdie
Community Development Worker – Scotland
NCT
PO BOX 12575
BO’NESS
EH51 9WX
Tel 07733304341
Email b_purdie@nct.org.uk
• Hear about Breastfeeding Peer Support in NHS Highland.
• Hear about X plus Y project from Relationship Educator Colm Black.
• Meet NCT practitioners, staff and volunteers.
• Find out about NCT and how the organisation can support your work.
• Meet other agencies and professionals.
The day is free and refreshments and lunch is available.
A full programme will be available soon so please let us know if you would like more information and/or attend. Please contact Barbara – details below or Karen Paterson, Regional Coordinator, NCT Scotland. karen.paterson10@btinternet.com
NCT is here to support parents. Through our courses, branches and helplines, our volunteers and qualified staff give parents accurate, impartial information so that they can decide what’s best for their family. Through us, they can join a support network of other parents nearby, which can be a lifeline in the early years. We are the UK’s leading parenting charity and being independent, we have an influential voice in campaigning and lobbying on the issues that parents care about.
We look forward to hearing from you and hopefully meeting you on 21st May.
Barbara Purdie
Community Development Worker – Scotland
NCT
PO BOX 12575
BO’NESS
EH51 9WX
Tel 07733304341
Email b_purdie@nct.org.uk
Tuesday 29 March 2011
Just Married..........................at 97 and 87 !
When Henry Kerr met an attractive younger woman, he feared she wouldn't give an older man a second glance. So he embarked on a four-year campaign to win over the object of his affections, writing her love poetry and spending hours exchanging life stories. And yesterday, 97-year- old Mr Kerr proved you can't hurry love, when he finally wed his younger companion - Valerie Berkowitz, 87. He said: 'I would have asked her much earlier, if I had thought such an attractive, witty young lady of 87 would have anything to do with an old codger like me.'
Mr Kerr believed his love life was over following his wife Gladys's death in 2004, but said he was 'struck like a thunderbolt' when he met Mrs Berkowitz at the North London care home they share. He said: 'I thought she found me pushy and conceited - until she acquired an analytical interest in the poems I read at the poetry circle I founded when I moved in here. Then we found our affinities.' When they started talking, the pair discovered they had both lived in South Africa, and both had families scattered across the world. He wrote several love poems in an attempt to win her affections.
Mr Kerr, who moved to the care home in 2006 when he was 94, said: 'When I did ask her to marry me a few months ago she went hysterical - she put her head down on the table and couldn't stop laughing.' Even once Mrs Berkowitz had accepted the proposal, the couple expected to stay permanently engaged to avoid the ' complication' of marriage. But Mr Kerr, who ran an investment company before retirement, said: 'I felt people were whispering behind their hands and gossiping about us moving in together, and that it was important for us to be Mr and Mrs.' The couple finally married in a traditional Jewish ceremony yesterday at their care home in Golders Green, followed by a high tea for 90 guests.
The newlyweds, who have six children, 19 grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren between them, will embark on a one-day honeymoon today but plan to keep its location a secret. The new Mrs Kerr, a former biochemist and counsellor whose first husband Abraham died in 2005 at the age of 82, said: 'Almost immediately after Henry arrived at the home, we started gravitating towards each other, from breakfast on. He is so totally talented and full of fun, yet also very serious. He's different from my late husband in every way, except that they both had enormous brain power. It's absolutely incredible that we found each other so late in life and that we are so loving - and lovely - together. We go to museums and galleries and theatres in groups - but we are off for a day trip honeymoon all by ourselves, and are thinking about a cruise.'
Mr and Mrs Kerr will keep their two rooms at the home, although they will use one as a bedroom and another as a study.
The couple have also walked away with the title of Britain's oldest newlyweds - previously held by Les Atwell, 94, and Sheila Walsh, 87.
Mr Kerr believed his love life was over following his wife Gladys's death in 2004, but said he was 'struck like a thunderbolt' when he met Mrs Berkowitz at the North London care home they share. He said: 'I thought she found me pushy and conceited - until she acquired an analytical interest in the poems I read at the poetry circle I founded when I moved in here. Then we found our affinities.' When they started talking, the pair discovered they had both lived in South Africa, and both had families scattered across the world. He wrote several love poems in an attempt to win her affections.
Mr Kerr, who moved to the care home in 2006 when he was 94, said: 'When I did ask her to marry me a few months ago she went hysterical - she put her head down on the table and couldn't stop laughing.' Even once Mrs Berkowitz had accepted the proposal, the couple expected to stay permanently engaged to avoid the ' complication' of marriage. But Mr Kerr, who ran an investment company before retirement, said: 'I felt people were whispering behind their hands and gossiping about us moving in together, and that it was important for us to be Mr and Mrs.' The couple finally married in a traditional Jewish ceremony yesterday at their care home in Golders Green, followed by a high tea for 90 guests.
The newlyweds, who have six children, 19 grandchildren and seven great-grandchildren between them, will embark on a one-day honeymoon today but plan to keep its location a secret. The new Mrs Kerr, a former biochemist and counsellor whose first husband Abraham died in 2005 at the age of 82, said: 'Almost immediately after Henry arrived at the home, we started gravitating towards each other, from breakfast on. He is so totally talented and full of fun, yet also very serious. He's different from my late husband in every way, except that they both had enormous brain power. It's absolutely incredible that we found each other so late in life and that we are so loving - and lovely - together. We go to museums and galleries and theatres in groups - but we are off for a day trip honeymoon all by ourselves, and are thinking about a cruise.'
Mr and Mrs Kerr will keep their two rooms at the home, although they will use one as a bedroom and another as a study.
The couple have also walked away with the title of Britain's oldest newlyweds - previously held by Les Atwell, 94, and Sheila Walsh, 87.
Monday 28 March 2011
A Child is a Grenade.
“A child is a grenade. When you have a baby you set off an explosion in your marriage and when the dust settles your marriage / relationship is different. Not better, necessarily: not worse necessarily. But different.” (Nora Ephron in “Heartburn”)
A child does indeed change a relationship. 67% of couples report a precipitous plummet in marital and relationship satisfaction in the first year. Lack of sleep, disgruntlement, feeling over-whelmed, lack of time for oneself among other things. But 33% seem to sail on through unscathed.
Baby shock is baby shock and all experience the highs and lows. But what separates these "blissful" mothers from others has nothing to do with the baby itself and everything to do with the quality of the relationship with her husband or partner. And, whether or not he experiences the transformation to parenthood alongside her or gets left behind.
“Letssticktogether – a short course helping parents navigate their way through the new experience of parenthood is available for couples or small groups, through X plus Y.
Wednesday 23 March 2011
Love Well. Live Well.
Key Skills For A Healthy Relationship.
Friendship & Communication. The 5 Love Languages.
Good Habits-Bad Habits. The “F” Word.
She said: I was intrigued at the prospect of coming. At the end of the evening I feel reassured and motivated.
He said: I felt just ok about coming on the evening but now that I have been here I feel motivated.
She said: I enjoyed having time to sit and talk with my fiancée. This evening has given us loads of ideas of things to discuss at home.
He said: This has been a very useful evening. It has highlighted some important aspects that are critical in daily life.
An Evening for Couples
With Colm Black.
Friday June 3rd 7.00 – 9.30pm
Calderwood Baptist Church. East Kilbride.
2 hours which could make all the difference will start at 7.30pm
A Light Buffet Meal will be served at 7pm
Friendship & Communication. The 5 Love Languages.
Good Habits-Bad Habits. The “F” Word.
She said: I was intrigued at the prospect of coming. At the end of the evening I feel reassured and motivated.
He said: I felt just ok about coming on the evening but now that I have been here I feel motivated.
She said: I enjoyed having time to sit and talk with my fiancée. This evening has given us loads of ideas of things to discuss at home.
He said: This has been a very useful evening. It has highlighted some important aspects that are critical in daily life.
An Evening for Couples
With Colm Black.
Friday June 3rd 7.00 – 9.30pm
Calderwood Baptist Church. East Kilbride.
2 hours which could make all the difference will start at 7.30pm
A Light Buffet Meal will be served at 7pm
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Parenting Trumps Marriage.
According to research from the US (pewsocialtrends.org) parenthood, in the minds of many young people is more important than marriage. They found that 52% of 18-29 year olds say being a good parent is "one of the most important things" in life. Just 30% say the same about having a successful marriage -- meaning there is a 22-percentage-point gap in the way value parenthood over marriage.
They are also less likely than adults aged 30 and older to say that a child needs a home with both a father and mother to grow up happily and that single parenthood and unmarried couple parenthood are bad for society.
They are slower to marry than the older generation and this delay in marriage among today's young adults has been accompanied by a corresponding increase in the rate of out-of-wedlock births.
Though they are less likely to link marriage and parenthood, most 18-29 year olds look forward to both.
Tuesday 22 February 2011
The Oscars.
If he doesn’t win an Oscar on Sunday it will be a crime. Colin Firth’s performance in “The King’s Speech” was outst-st-st-anding. But the best role he has played is as a husband and father. He has been married 15 years and has two sons. Having become a heart-throb after emerging from a lake, dripping wet in Pride & Prejudice 16 years ago there have been many admirers!
The secret of the longevity of his marriage in an industry known for a high failure rate of marriages, is his devotion to his wife and family. “You just have to navigate things on a daily basis. We are crazy about each other. But the real secret is time – we have to make sure we spend enough time together. Every relationship in life, you’re going to have to take care of it. There is a marathon factor to it.”
The happiest marriages are based on a deep friendship. This is the single most important ingredient. Making and taking the time to foster and deepen that friendship will bring richness to a marriage and enable any couple to navigate whatever comes at them in the normal course of life. Friendship fuels the flames of romance. It’s a daily thing.
Eat together. Talk together. Play together.
The secret of the longevity of his marriage in an industry known for a high failure rate of marriages, is his devotion to his wife and family. “You just have to navigate things on a daily basis. We are crazy about each other. But the real secret is time – we have to make sure we spend enough time together. Every relationship in life, you’re going to have to take care of it. There is a marathon factor to it.”
The happiest marriages are based on a deep friendship. This is the single most important ingredient. Making and taking the time to foster and deepen that friendship will bring richness to a marriage and enable any couple to navigate whatever comes at them in the normal course of life. Friendship fuels the flames of romance. It’s a daily thing.
Eat together. Talk together. Play together.
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Mr Cameron's Big Society. A Jewish Perspective.
Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, now Lord Sacks, who has been Chief Rabbi since 1991, says:
"If the Jewish experience has anything to say to Britain today, it is to recognise marriage, not just cohabitation, as in the best interests of the child. Do so in the tax system, do so in the educational system, do so in relationship support. Without stable marriages we will not have strong families and without strong families we will not have a big society."
"If the Jewish experience has anything to say to Britain today, it is to recognise marriage, not just cohabitation, as in the best interests of the child. Do so in the tax system, do so in the educational system, do so in relationship support. Without stable marriages we will not have strong families and without strong families we will not have a big society."
Monday 14 February 2011
Valentines All Year Round.
It’s that time of year. Valentine’s day. We are surrounded by the commercial opportunity to be romantic. Not a bad reminder to do something romantic together with our partner or spouse.
The real work in a relationship however is on-going. The best relationships are built on a strong foundation of friendship; a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. It is about having an abiding regard for each other and expressing this fondness not just in big ways but in little ways, day in, day out.
"As a result such couples have a marriage that is far more passionate than do couples who punctuate their lives together with romantic vacations and lavish anniversary gifts but have fallen out of touch in their daily lives." (John Gottman)
Eat together. Play together. Talk together.
Tuesday 8 February 2011
Stood Up By Kaye.
I almost made it on to BBC Scotland this morning. At 8am I had a pre-programme phone call and then at 9.20 the producer called me and told me to stand by to take part in the discussion..........................but after a few minutes of me nervously waiting he said, we have had a flood of calls, so we will have to leave your contribution for today, thanks. Fair enough I thought. They want to hear from Joe Public rather than another “professional.”
“Why does marriage matter?” was the issue under discussion. The debate centred around why we should want to promote marriage above cohabitation and should the Govt favour one over the other, in the tax system.
A number of things struck me. Firstly, Kaye Adams hosted the programme very well and was very fair to all sides and did so with good humour. She led a very good discussion.
Secondly. It is ok, up to a point, to speak from personal experience. But, whatever your experience is, someone else will argue from theirs. So how do you decide which is the most valid? And who decides? People need to discuss on the basis of more than personal experience. What does the evidence actually point to? And the fact that marriages are 4 times more likely to succeed than cohabitations is telling.
Thirdly. Individual cases do not make the rule. We heard from a number of cohabitees who have been together 25 years or more, which is undoubtedly commendable. Some are celebrating by getting married! (Why bother now, I wonder?) But on the bigger scale, the level of trends in society, these are the exceptions. Only 4% of cohabitations will last 10 years or more. The majority will break-up within 5 years. Take 100 Cohabitees. 74 will still be together in 5 years time. 26 will not. Take 100 couples who marry. 91 will still be together in 5 years time. 9 will not. The difference is great. The social and emotional cost huge. And the key element is to do with commitment.
This is the main difference between the two. In the purely private arrangement of cohabitation the door is ajar. In the publicly commitment of marriage the door is closed. Not in the sense of being trapped but rather as a way of saying, we are a couple and we intend to stay together for our own benefit, for the benefit of any children and the good of wider society. The Counsellor on the programme was correct when she said, “Marriage has been devalued. We need to revalue commitment.” People chose to express their commitment in different ways other than marriage. They have a baby as a sign of commitment. Or they take out a mortgage as a sign. Is that enough?
My last reflection is about “Legacy.” What are we modelling for our children with regard to relationships? If it is true that cohabitations are the preferred lifestyle choice of the majority and if it is true that they are intrinsically more fragile than marriages irrespective of the age of the couples involved, then what are our children witnessing, experiencing and absorbing as a model for their own future? Fragility? Impermanence? There is plenty of evidence that relationship patterns jump to the next generation. So the way our parents behave influences the way their children will behave. The same can be said of bad marriages of course.
We are in danger of perpetuating a skepticism about relationships. They probably don’t work. So my attitude to any future one is deeply coloured by what I have known at home and learned from society. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Entering a relationship with such a low expectation of hope of success surely doesn’t bode well for the couple. What is it that kills off relationships in the end, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis? Loss of hope. Well, if you start with fragile hope, where does that lead in the end?
As for tax benefits for married couples? Why not! The long term benefits which marriage gives back to society in terms of health and well-being, productivity, input from fathers, child care, children's education and development etc etc ought to be recognised and encouraged.
We should strive to give our children the gift of growing up with both parents, living in a committed and loving relationship, enjoying the highs and working through the inevitable lows. Remember, relationship patterns jump to the next generation.
“Why does marriage matter?” was the issue under discussion. The debate centred around why we should want to promote marriage above cohabitation and should the Govt favour one over the other, in the tax system.
A number of things struck me. Firstly, Kaye Adams hosted the programme very well and was very fair to all sides and did so with good humour. She led a very good discussion.
Secondly. It is ok, up to a point, to speak from personal experience. But, whatever your experience is, someone else will argue from theirs. So how do you decide which is the most valid? And who decides? People need to discuss on the basis of more than personal experience. What does the evidence actually point to? And the fact that marriages are 4 times more likely to succeed than cohabitations is telling.
Thirdly. Individual cases do not make the rule. We heard from a number of cohabitees who have been together 25 years or more, which is undoubtedly commendable. Some are celebrating by getting married! (Why bother now, I wonder?) But on the bigger scale, the level of trends in society, these are the exceptions. Only 4% of cohabitations will last 10 years or more. The majority will break-up within 5 years. Take 100 Cohabitees. 74 will still be together in 5 years time. 26 will not. Take 100 couples who marry. 91 will still be together in 5 years time. 9 will not. The difference is great. The social and emotional cost huge. And the key element is to do with commitment.
This is the main difference between the two. In the purely private arrangement of cohabitation the door is ajar. In the publicly commitment of marriage the door is closed. Not in the sense of being trapped but rather as a way of saying, we are a couple and we intend to stay together for our own benefit, for the benefit of any children and the good of wider society. The Counsellor on the programme was correct when she said, “Marriage has been devalued. We need to revalue commitment.” People chose to express their commitment in different ways other than marriage. They have a baby as a sign of commitment. Or they take out a mortgage as a sign. Is that enough?
My last reflection is about “Legacy.” What are we modelling for our children with regard to relationships? If it is true that cohabitations are the preferred lifestyle choice of the majority and if it is true that they are intrinsically more fragile than marriages irrespective of the age of the couples involved, then what are our children witnessing, experiencing and absorbing as a model for their own future? Fragility? Impermanence? There is plenty of evidence that relationship patterns jump to the next generation. So the way our parents behave influences the way their children will behave. The same can be said of bad marriages of course.
We are in danger of perpetuating a skepticism about relationships. They probably don’t work. So my attitude to any future one is deeply coloured by what I have known at home and learned from society. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Entering a relationship with such a low expectation of hope of success surely doesn’t bode well for the couple. What is it that kills off relationships in the end, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis? Loss of hope. Well, if you start with fragile hope, where does that lead in the end?
As for tax benefits for married couples? Why not! The long term benefits which marriage gives back to society in terms of health and well-being, productivity, input from fathers, child care, children's education and development etc etc ought to be recognised and encouraged.
We should strive to give our children the gift of growing up with both parents, living in a committed and loving relationship, enjoying the highs and working through the inevitable lows. Remember, relationship patterns jump to the next generation.
Wednesday 2 February 2011
She said. He said.
Comments from a recent evening of Marriage Preparation.
5 couples. All Co-habiting.
She said: I was intrigued at the prospect of doing some marriage preparation. At the end of the evening I feel reassured and motivated.
He said: I felt just ok about coming on the evening but now that I have been here I feel motivated.
She said: I was nervous about coming to the evening. Now, having been here I feel excited.
He said: I was intrigued at the thought of coming. I now feel reassured.
She said: I enjoyed having time to sit and talk with my fiancée. This evening has given us loads of ideas of things to discuss at home.
He said: This has been a very useful evening. It has highlighted some important aspects that are critical in daily life.
“Love Well. Live Well” – Key Skills For A Healthy Relationship.
2 hours which could make all the difference.
Monday 31 January 2011
Celebrating Commitment..
“Celebrating Commitment.”
Marriage Week 7-14 Feb
It’s 25 years since the tragic Shuttle disaster when the rocket blew up soon after take-off and all lives were lost. Space travel is risky. “Statistically”, says Scott Stanley of the University of Denver, “Marriage is as risky as space travel. Research suggests, however that not being married is even more risky, especially if you want the best shot at life-long love. Nothing besides commitment in marriage brings the same benefits of health, economic stability, companionship and even sexual satisfaction. There is real power in knowing you are a team and that you can count on each other in the future.” (The Power Of Commitment - Scott Stanley)
Marriage Week (7-14Feb) is about celebrating commitment. During this week or in the week after, why not make a special effort to create some space for you and your partner to do something different, beyond the routines of daily life.
Eat: Take time to make or order in some of your favourite food and when the children are in bed, enjoying a quiet uninterrupted meal.
Talk: What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!
Play: When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!
Monday 24 January 2011
Facebook & Divorce?
For most people, Facebook is a harmless way to keep in touch with friends and family. But flirtations on the social networking site are now becoming a major factor in marriage breakdown.
Family lawyers have revealed that the problem has become so great that almost every divorce they have dealt with in the past year has involved the website. One expert said she had dealt with 30 cases in the last nine months and Facebook had been implicated in them all. Whilst another online law company said one in five of their divorce petitions in the past year contain references to Facebook.
Emma Patel, the head of family law at Hart Scales & Hodges Solicitors, said the site acted like a "virtual third party" in splits. "Facebook is being blamed for an increasing number of marital breakdowns, and it is quite remarkable that all the petitions that I have seen here since May have cited Facebook one way or another," she said. "Its huge popularity as well as the lure of sites like Second Life, Illicit Encounters and Friends Reunited are tempting couples to cheat on each other. Suspicious spouses have used these to spy and find evidence of flirting and even affairs, which have then led to break-ups." She said that many of divorces came after partners found "flirty messages" on the Facebook wall of their partner – and also "inappropriate suggestive chats" which spouse's can see.
The lawyer said that she urged all clients to "stay off" Facebook during divorce proceedings – as it could throw a spanner in the works of it going smoothly – especially if they post photos of new lovers. She said: "They feel compelled to share their feelings online, and, in some cases, they not only express their stress, but also make inflammatory accusations against their partner. Divorce is a highly-charged and emotional time, but it is vital not to turn the situation into a public slagging match, played out for everyone to see online. The situation has deteriorated so badly that we advise feuding couples to avoid these sites until their divorces are settled."
The family law specialist based in Dorking, Surrey, said that one divorcing couple's rows on Facebook got so bad one party was charged with malicious communication after the police got involved.
A spokesman for Facebook said it was "tosh" that Facebook could ruin a relationship. It is like blaming your mobile phone or your emails," he said. "Does being on Facebook force you to do something – absolutely not I would say."
Family lawyers have revealed that the problem has become so great that almost every divorce they have dealt with in the past year has involved the website. One expert said she had dealt with 30 cases in the last nine months and Facebook had been implicated in them all. Whilst another online law company said one in five of their divorce petitions in the past year contain references to Facebook.
Emma Patel, the head of family law at Hart Scales & Hodges Solicitors, said the site acted like a "virtual third party" in splits. "Facebook is being blamed for an increasing number of marital breakdowns, and it is quite remarkable that all the petitions that I have seen here since May have cited Facebook one way or another," she said. "Its huge popularity as well as the lure of sites like Second Life, Illicit Encounters and Friends Reunited are tempting couples to cheat on each other. Suspicious spouses have used these to spy and find evidence of flirting and even affairs, which have then led to break-ups." She said that many of divorces came after partners found "flirty messages" on the Facebook wall of their partner – and also "inappropriate suggestive chats" which spouse's can see.
The lawyer said that she urged all clients to "stay off" Facebook during divorce proceedings – as it could throw a spanner in the works of it going smoothly – especially if they post photos of new lovers. She said: "They feel compelled to share their feelings online, and, in some cases, they not only express their stress, but also make inflammatory accusations against their partner. Divorce is a highly-charged and emotional time, but it is vital not to turn the situation into a public slagging match, played out for everyone to see online. The situation has deteriorated so badly that we advise feuding couples to avoid these sites until their divorces are settled."
The family law specialist based in Dorking, Surrey, said that one divorcing couple's rows on Facebook got so bad one party was charged with malicious communication after the police got involved.
A spokesman for Facebook said it was "tosh" that Facebook could ruin a relationship. It is like blaming your mobile phone or your emails," he said. "Does being on Facebook force you to do something – absolutely not I would say."
Thursday 20 January 2011
And A Happy New Year to You Too. Relationships In 2011
Most of us can’t remember the new year coming in by now. It seems like a long time ago and “the ordinary” has kicked back in with a vengeance. But for some the new year festive period may still be casting a long shadow over their lives.
Figures released by Relate (the UK’s largest Counselling Service) indicate just how stressful it has been for some in late December, early January.
20 per cent increase in calls to Relate’s helpline number
66 per cent increase in visits to Relate’s live chat facility, where counsellors give online real time support
32 per cent increase in unique visitors to www.relate.org.uk on the first working day of 2011, Tuesday 4th January 2011
And 15 per cent increase in unique visitors to www.relate.org.uk over the first week in January 2011
Claire Tyler, Chief Executive of Relate, said: “A new year is an obvious time to tackle issues head on and this is what we are seeing here. 2011 will signal a fresh start for many and it’s great that people are seeking support to turn things around.
“We can’t however gloss over the fact that people will have had a very difficult period over Christmas. Spending time with family can be challenging, arguments can explode, couples can row and it can also be an incredibly lonely period for some. Sadly, this is something we see year on year and January 2011 is by no means a random occurrence.”
What does 2011 look like for relationships? Looking ahead to the next year, Relate asked it’s counsellors in a separate poll what they expect to be the top five issues for relationships in 2011. Communication problems, money worries, working long hours, redundancies and affairs came up in the top five in that order.
Monday 17 January 2011
Self Expansion
This is not as piece about the size of your girth after the festive season! It is about a subtle shift in expectations with regard to relationships.
The happy marriage is the “me- marriage”. According to recent research what people want from marriage is a partnership which will enable them to experience “self-expansion” – making their lives more interesting through new networks, experiences, challenges. Something which should happen anyway in a marriage.
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.
But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. The more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. The effect of self-expansion is apparently more pronounced when people first fall in love.
This appears to be all about “me” rather than “we.” If it is, then when I have “self-expanded” to my fullest potential (not through my wife cooking regular meals for me, might I add) I will move on to a new relationship.
At its core marriage puts the other person at the centre – it is a commitment to constantly seeking the best for the other – come what may. The best includes this need we have for “self expansion”. Without such a commitment the relationship is simply a vessel of convenience in which I’ll stick around so long as my personal needs are being met – and when this ceases to be the case I’ll look elsewhere. We ought to look out for the other person’s needs and interests so we both experience growth and “self-expansion”. If it is just about me, the balance is wrong. We belong together and our lives together ought to be bringing out the best in each other not just self. Love is selfless, not selfish.
As the Scriptures of the Christian faith say, “Do nothing out of selfish interest.......but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”
I think it is called servant-hood. What would happen to our relationship with our spouse or our children, if we asked them, “How can I serve you today?”
The happy marriage is the “me- marriage”. According to recent research what people want from marriage is a partnership which will enable them to experience “self-expansion” – making their lives more interesting through new networks, experiences, challenges. Something which should happen anyway in a marriage.
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.
But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. The more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. The effect of self-expansion is apparently more pronounced when people first fall in love.
This appears to be all about “me” rather than “we.” If it is, then when I have “self-expanded” to my fullest potential (not through my wife cooking regular meals for me, might I add) I will move on to a new relationship.
At its core marriage puts the other person at the centre – it is a commitment to constantly seeking the best for the other – come what may. The best includes this need we have for “self expansion”. Without such a commitment the relationship is simply a vessel of convenience in which I’ll stick around so long as my personal needs are being met – and when this ceases to be the case I’ll look elsewhere. We ought to look out for the other person’s needs and interests so we both experience growth and “self-expansion”. If it is just about me, the balance is wrong. We belong together and our lives together ought to be bringing out the best in each other not just self. Love is selfless, not selfish.
As the Scriptures of the Christian faith say, “Do nothing out of selfish interest.......but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”
I think it is called servant-hood. What would happen to our relationship with our spouse or our children, if we asked them, “How can I serve you today?”
Tuesday 11 January 2011
Eat. Talk. Play.
For Marriage Week 2011 (Feb 7-14) the challenge to couples is to Eat, Talk and Play together!
Eat.
In our busy lives today, all too often we don’t make time for the most basic of social functions – eating together! So this Marriage Week, why not make the time to sit down together and share a meal for two?? If you can make the time, why not share the preparation – and the clearing up! If you haven’t got time to cook, how about a take-away, or a romantic meal at a local restaurant. Take time to savour the sights, smells and flavours of a great meal together.
Talk
What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make some time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!
Play
When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!
For more ideas and resources visit:: www.marriage-week.org.uk
Eat.
In our busy lives today, all too often we don’t make time for the most basic of social functions – eating together! So this Marriage Week, why not make the time to sit down together and share a meal for two?? If you can make the time, why not share the preparation – and the clearing up! If you haven’t got time to cook, how about a take-away, or a romantic meal at a local restaurant. Take time to savour the sights, smells and flavours of a great meal together.
Talk
What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make some time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!
Play
When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!
For more ideas and resources visit:: www.marriage-week.org.uk
Sunday 9 January 2011
All That Matters Is How We Love.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil.
It rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
(First Letter to the Church at Corinth.
Written by St Paul.
The Bible)
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil.
It rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
(First Letter to the Church at Corinth.
Written by St Paul.
The Bible)
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