Married Love - More Than A Feeling,

“Till death us do part.” I wonder how many couples will say those words as they get married during the coming year? Even though the divorce statistics shout otherwise, on our wedding day, at least, most of us truly believe in the promise we make to each other of a permanent commitment.

I am sometimes asked what I believe is the greatest threat to marriages today. There could be many answers, but I’m sure that the idea that love is just a feeling must be one of the greatest. One of the most popular readings at wedding services is that incredible passage about love in the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I like hearing that reading at a wedding, but I’ve often felt that it is lost on the couple because on that day they feel so in love. However those verses talk not just of the emotion of love, but its acts – the doing of love. What does it mean for you and me that 'love is kind', or that ‘it keeps no record of wrongs'? What can it mean that ’love is patient’, ‘not self-seeking' and ‘not easily angered'? And what can it possibly mean that 'love never fails'?

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start with this kind of commitment. Our heads and hearts are swimming with so many emotions. Some of us are, right now, experiencing difficult times. But if we want to save our love, or find again a love that we feel we may have lost, then we have to begin down that road. And such a beginning cannot just be in the mind or even the heart. If things are to change, something must happen. It could be very small – a touch or an expression of appreciation instead of the expected criticism. Or perhaps it could be something larger like an acknowledgement that things are difficult between us at the moment, but that we have a commitment to work on our marriage together.

That beginning is vital. Whether it's a father determined to spend more time with his family, or a wife resolving to help her husband articulate all that he is bottling up inside, we have to begin. It will normally involve us in a battle on at least two fronts. Firstly, because such times will often be when the feeling of love is low, they will only happen by an act of the will. If we wait until we feel like taking that first step, we'll normally wait a long time. Secondly, such action will inevitably involve us in a battle with that great enemy, time. It would be easier to deal with problems of relationships if we could do so in a vacuum. But we can't do that. We have to tackle them in the real world, where children have dental appointments, and the car breaks down, and a hundred people scream at us, “Can you do this please?” But we must remember that we are fighting for the survival of love.

Couples who stay together are prepared to go through periods in their relationship where commitment and responsibility is what keeps them together. None of us want to live our whole lives loving with gritted teeth, but there are thousands of couples who tried again, perhaps “for the sake of the kids”, and in the process found again a love they’d thought was gone forever.

As wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not enough for a marriage. There will be many different times during it when we need to decide to love – even when we don’t feel like it. Turning off our favourite TV programme when we know our husband needs to talk? Doing that hated chore when it’s not your turn, but we know how stressed our wife is?

It’s the stuff of commitment.

Courtesy. Rob Parsons - Care For The Family.

More Work. Less Talk.

More than a third of parents rarely talk to their children due to increasing pressure at work, latest research has revealed. The survey of 2,000 parents by children’s communication charity I CAN found that austerity measures and poor pay deals are forcing parents to work longer hours and spend less time with their children.

Three-quarters of those surveyed are taking on extra work and 35 per cent admitted increased workloads meant they rarely have time to talk to their children. One in five parents said they are too tired to talk with their children when they get home from work and 55 per cent said they have less quality time with them due to work. Among those surveyed, one in five has taken a second job and a similar proportion is taking work home. A third said work calls or responding to emails at home often hampers attempts to talk with their children.

I CAN has warned a lack of conversation at home can impact on children’s communication skills and affect their performance when they start primary school. Kate Freeman, I CAN communication adviser, said: "We’re concerned at the knock-on effect on young children who need verbal interaction to build their own speaking and understanding skills, especially in the early years."Without these skills they may start school with a lower level of language than expected at their age."

Playing Catch-Up.

Ok. Now let me get this right. Monday is music lesson for..........then Beavers. Tuesday is swimming for two, which two?......then music for one straight after.............and Wednesday is swimming for one, then Cubs for two straight after..............and all homework has to be done by Thursday ...and you are home late from work 3 days this week, did you say........and then there is Church House Group to be organised for Thursday.....and I would like to escape to the Gym at some point.....and the garage needs clearing out ....and I have a meeting at school about..........is that on Tuesday or Wednesday?.................and the washing machine has broken down and we need to return those two films to LoveFilm as we have had them a fortnight and not watched them.................and have we any school socks for the boys,.... you know, the right ones for the right boys dear?! And have I taken the dog to the vet? Which day am I to do that? Oh, and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all are calling at the weekend.

Familiar? It is easy to pass like ships in the night as parents. How important it is to create even a small window of opportunity each day to sit down with your spouse for a catch-up. Not merely a functional diary session as you would at work and then hasten on to the next task.....like sorting the lunches for the next day or your nightly hour on facebook or twitter!

Good talking and listening creates intimacy and keeps us connected with each other beyond the functionality of parenting, which can unfortunately spill over into our relationship with our spouse and it them becomes functional leading to emotional drift.

Here are 3 non-diary-type questions which might help over a 15 minute cup of coffee before you get back to the necessary responsibilities, like sorting the lunches and the 1 hour on faceb.....

1. Tell me one thing that happened in your life to-day that you really enjoyed?

2. Now, tell me something that was really hard?

3. If you could re-live today, what would you do differently?

The 'Not - So - Great - Escape.'

According to news, this is one of the busiest months of the year when it comes to dealing with relationship fall-outs after the tensions of the Christmas period. Family Law Firms can be inundated with enquiries from struggling couples who are wondering about divorce.

For those seriously seriously thinking about separation the festive period, it seems has only highlighted their plight and the new year resolution mentality means that it's finally time to deal with it. These relationships will have been on tender hooks for some time no doubt. For others it may be merely a reaction to a bad season and they are wondering about their options.

But divorce causes more problems than it solves, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis who wrote 'Divorce Remedy.'She calls it the 'Not-So-Great- Escape.' It impacts the adults involved and spills over into subsequent relationships. And it can have a devastating effect on children. If not immediately apparent, it can have a sleeper effect and surface later in life.

It was the High Court Family Judge, Sir Paul Coleridge who said recently, 'Mend it - don't end it!' with reference to marriages in difficulty, as he launched his 'Marriage Foundation'with the aim of working to avoid the chaos in children's lives as a consequence of divorce and failing relationships.

Perhaps the better New Year resolution, rather than high-tailing it to the Lawyer to discuss break-up, would be to seek out help to put the relationship back on track. The majority of couples who chose that route and work at the marriage and stay together, report five years later, that they were glad they did not follow through with their divorce intentions.

Marriages can be saved. It is not an easy road back from the brink. It requires a change of mindset at the personal level and also in our wider culture. As Weiner-Davis says, " I believe that the constant barrage of negative data about marriage takes its toll on society. We start to believe that divorce is one of life's normal rites of passage..........when the going gets rough, we just leave.............Just think about how our collective unconsciousness might be altered if the media spent a fraction of the time investigating why marriage works instead of informing and warning us about the death of marriage."

The resources of 'X plus Y' are available to help couples on the road to recovery. And equally important, they are available to those who want to spend some time giving their relationship some care and attention before things become critical.

'Divorce Remedy' Michelle Weiner-Davis (Publ. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks) Quoted by permission.

Real Marriage.

Mars Hill Church, Seattle are running a series of teaching sermons on the Biblical view of Marriage for those who are interested in knowing what the Christian perspective is.
The details of the series can be viewed at www.marshill.com/real-marriage.