A fun day looking at porn together.

On Friday we travelled under cover of darkness, and had a fun day looking at porn together…. (well that got your attention)!! Now just before you hit the delete key, let me explain that we were looking at the issue of pornography, not porn itself and we did so in a conference room with others!

And in one sense, that’s the point! One of the issues that struck me was the interaction of secrecy and shame in the behaviour of those who habitually use pornography to stimulate sexual desire (and often self satisfaction). It is the secrecy, driven by a sense of shame and embarrassment, that really gnaw away at the roots of trust needed to sustain a long term relationship.

About 20% of all the forum posts on our message boards are from people whose partners are using porn. Mostly, but not exclusively, they are from women who feel devalued and highly insecure about the relationship as a result. These women recognise that irrespective of the fact that the men may only have been looking at the pictures, when (if) they make love, the images will be there in the man’s head – there are at least three people in the bed at that moment, and in general the man is focussed not on building and strengthening the bond with his wife through giving her intense pleasure, but on satisfying his own fantasies with the women in his head.

It is the secrecy that betrays trust – doing things in secret is the opposite of the openness and vulnerability that a relationship needs to thrive. And it is secretive because intuitively most people recognise that it a form of infidelity.

One of the questions we now get couples to talk about as part of our marriage preparation courses is “what constitutes infidelity”, and whilst the lawyers may argue that it is only a physical act, most couples recognise that it is something much deeper, and closer to home. The exact boundary may vary (sending flirty texts, sending naked pictures, an illicit meeting even if just for dinner, etc), but the fact is that each of us has a red line that hurts (a lot) when our partner crosses it.

As in so many areas, the first steps for a couple are to talk about both the boundaries, and how close to them they live – but it’s one thing to agree with your fiancée that watching porn is a bridge too far, it’s quite another to admit that actually you have been doing so, in many cases habitually, for the past 15 or more years! And of course, you are apparently going to stop miraculously as a result of making some promises to each other!

There is of course a continuum of porn use ranging from the occasional dalliance, through regular but limited use and on to full addiction – think of cigarette addiction as a parallel, the range from the occasional fag in company through to the 60+ a day habit. What it will take to kick the habit will vary – open accountability for occasional use, perhaps something like the 12 step AA programme for the mid-range user, through to proper psychological help for the real addict (yes, porn can be a full scale addiction that needs “re-wiring” the brain).

As long as we pretend this problem doesn’t exist, or that it’s too shameful to talk about in public, then we will not be able to help couples find their way out of the minefield. They need help to step out of the dark and into the light.

So, who will you talk to about porn today?? 

Courtesy of Dave Percival www.2-in-2-1.co.uk

Be there for one another: Mumford & Sons - If I Needed You

Boomerang Children - When children come back?

I was at a three year old’s party on Friday! It was noisy, excitable and great fun! There was decidedly “pink” theme including all the wrapping paper, the cakes and pretty well everything else! I can’t quite believe that it’s three years already since she was born – how time flies! Then I caught myself remarking to a young Mum how quickly they grow, and how soon they’ll be “off your hands” – implying a sense of relief.

All of which is a bit of a rambling introduction to the subject of the “Boomerang generation”.

Several reports over the summer alluded to the fact that with the rising costs of living, and the limited availability of affordable housing, more and more twenty-somethings are electing to move back into home. The general implication of the various articles seems to be either that this is a feckless generation unwilling to make their way in the world, or a generation unwilling to move beyond adolescence and “grow up”.

I’m not sure I buy either idea! My observation is that firstly young people (I’m talking the 20-30’s mainly here) are neither lazy nor permanently stuck in adolescence – they yearn to be able to make their way in an increasingly competitive world, but they work to a different set of norms and expectations – and sometimes that can lead to real stresses and clashes.

So what is our role as the “older generation” in this? Well, as they grew up, we saw our role as parents as being to give the children ‘roots and wings’ -  a place of security and safely (the roots) from which they could gain the strength and confidence to learn to fly (wings). And to an extent a corollary of this role was the analogy of the mother eagle – eagles it seems push their young out of the nest when they (the parents) decide they should be ready – but (and this is they key part), the mother Eagle will fly below the youngsters as they tumble through the air desperately trying to master the art of flying, and will catch them on her back before they dash themselves on the rocks below, carrying them back to the nest to try again.

As parents of three youngsters who have flown, we are still very aware that the day may yet come when, to save them from impending rocks, we need to be ready with a saving catch – or to open the door to welcome a returning “Boomerang”. To us it remains a critical element of our responsibility to the family we created – to be available, solid and dependable, as a place of refuge for our “children”.

So far, whilst we have been a warehouse for large quantities of belongings, we haven’t had any back to live – but they know that should they need to return, our door will be open.

Inter-generational care is at the heart of what it means to be family. And if the generations are to care for each other, there needs to be a structure to the family that will enable it – it takes both Liz and I to open the door to the home – and were we dislocated it would be a whole lot harder. Which home would they return to, which parent carries the extra financial responsibility? And what would our separate paths say about our “joint and several” commitment to the project that was “our family”?

That’s why the strength of bonds, and the structure, that marriage creates lies at the core of being a strong inter-generational family which has the resilience to catch the odd boomerang! And it seems it’s needed more, not less, by this current generation!

 

Dave Percival www.2-in-2-1.co.uk

25 Men. 1 Marriage Seminar. What They Said.

 

Seminar: Relationship Central - Keeping Your Marriage in Focus.

'This seminar exceeded my expectations. I was pleasantly surprised by it.'

'This was a very challenging seminar.'

'I had forgotten my partner and I were meant to be good friends.'

'What you have given us is a recipe for success.'

'It was good being reminded to keep our marriage relationship in focus.'

'A wonderful, humble and to-the-point session. Thank you.'

'Good stuff. Very practical and helpful.'

'This seminar was visual, clear, well-illustrated and very practical. I found what you shared with us essential and very timely.'

'Relationship Central - Keeping Your Marriage in Focus' is a practical presentation available  and ideal for any size of group, Men & Women, although preferably Couples together.

It lasts about 90 minutes and touches on 3 key areas:

Keeping Your Marriage in Focus.
Selfless Love.
Life After Children.

To find out more about 'Relationship Central' and the two other one courses on offer:

- 'Love Well-Live Well'

- 'Adapt', especially for new & prospective parents contact Colm - info@xplusy.co.uk

('Relationship Central' was one of the seminars on offer at a Men's Conference hosted by Alive Ministries www.aliveministry.co.uk)

Life After Children. A Survey.

This questionnaire is designed to glean some insight into an important transition phase in a couple’s relationship – children leaving home to study or live elsewhere - and the effect it has.

It is completely confidential but I hope to use the information and insights anonymously as part of a presentation / article I am putting together called ‘Life After Children.’

Feel free to say as much or as little as you like. Or feel free to not complete it at all, I won’t mind.

Please answer by e-mail to: info@xplusy.co.uk

and number your responses.

Life After Children - 10 Questions.

Please indicate: Male / Female. (I wish to hear from husband and wife but if only one chooses to respond that is ok)

1.       How many children do you have?

2.       How many have left home / are about to leave?

3.       How do you / did you feel in anticipation of your child / children leaving home?

4.       How have your feelings altered with time now that your child / children have left?

5.       Describe the difference it made to your relationship with your other child / children?

6.       What difference/s did it make to you as a couple?

7.       How did you speak about or prepare for this phase in your life before it happened?

8.       What benefits have you known since this change?

9.       What would have helped / has been most helpful in enabling you to adapt to this stage in your life as a couple?

10.   By way of encouragement what would you say to other couples who are approaching this stage?

 

Would you like to say anything else not covered by the questions?

 

Thanks for taking part.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mentoring Marriages. Time for a change of direction.

Five-Year Study Documents the Positive Impact of Relationship and Marriage Education Programs in California

'X plus Y' is about Relationship Education, the often neglected or under-valued aspect of Couples' work. R E has been described as the missing piece in working with couples.

It allows ordinary experienced married couples through relatively inexpensive training to be involved in helping other couples as they share good practice, established skills and knowledge.

It is, in effect peer support. At present one of the issues in working with families and especially couples, is the increasing professionalization of services. Help is mostly in the hands of expensively trained professionals (sometimes very expensively trained in terms of time and money) and they are the gate keepers of help. Unfortunately they are also usually overloaded! And so there is a log-jam of help and support. Long waiting lists. Impossible demands.

The key to the log jam, particularly in the area of preventative work is the use of  trained volunteers. Help could cascade out more easily through a well trained volunteer movement than the present situation allows.

One study (Stanley. 2001) has shown that ordinary lay educators with a minimum of training could deliver a marriage education programme as well or better than professionals. Unfortunately also, along with a lack of belief in the volunteer aspect, in some quarters there is professional prejudice. Couples can only be helped by professionals. (The High Priesthood in some cases are not happy with the Laity being involved) In the end, there is a need for both volunteer and professional. But the former is sadly under-valued and neglected.

If the Government want to make an impact on the catastrophic fragmentation of family, fuelled mostly by the fragility of the cohabiting culture they would do well to look at this issue.


(Stanley quoted in 'Mentoring Marriages' Harry Benson. Publ Monarch 2005)

'Being Dad' Jamie Cullen - Jazz Musician.

"People always tell you having kids puts your life in perspective, but no, it really doesn't. It makes everything more confusing, although the change does make life more beautiful. Having kids makes you experience things more intensely. ..............having the girls gave me a much rounder take on life, how tough and unpleasant it can be, as well as telling me just how beautiful it can be.

 

Becoming a Dad made me see the best of myself and the worst of myself and see the events in my life before and after the birth in a new light.............I now see the world with a greater clarity, good and bad.

 

It's a sensory overload, parenthood, it really is."

Quoted in 'Inverness Scene' June 2013