Leaping To Propose.

It’s February 29th. A leap year and the traditional opportunity for a woman to propose to a man. ‘And why not?’ as Barry Norman used to say, But why leave it to a leap year?

A proposal, does it matter? Does it mean anything? Does itn really matter who does the proposing? The most important point about a marriage proposal is that it is a clear declaration of intent. It indicates a willingness to commit long term to a relationship. When it is accepted, there is mutual intention and clarity about the direction of the relationship from engagement, perhaps living together, to the permanence and security of marriage. It is, as one woman has said, “A way of cementing our relationship.”

Commitment secures attachment. And that matters crucially. Then the really hard but worthwhile challenge of living together as a married couple begins.

Clarity of intent is so important. And the key word here is 'mutual'. As Scott Stanley of the Marital and Family Studies Centre in Denver says, “Mutual decision making reduces risk in a relationship because you are both on the same page. Mutual decision making and commitment lead to resilience in a relationship. An imbalance or ambiguity leads to vulnerability. No relationship is doomed to failure but the crucial point is that without mutuality in clearly deciding the road ahead, the level of vulnerability and risk goes sky-high.”

Some are afraid of that decision making. Marriage does not have a good public press. Perhaps a marriage did not work out before so they do not want to go there again. And yet most marriages succeed and marriage is still the most secure relationship form for couples and children.

Or some people prefer to keep their options open, cohabiting or sliding in and out of various live-in arrangements. Such ambiguity actually works against the very thing which people want - a stable secure relationship. It can make a relationship which is not great keep moving in the direction of even more not-greatness.

So. February 29th - an opportunity? In the words of The Proclaimers,

"We've been going too long to be vague
When there's something to say
If it's not now, then it's never
So I'll say it straight out
'Cos I have no doubt, no doubt

Let's get married
I love you and I want to stay with you
Let's get married...."

Defending Divorce. Really?

I live in a very liberal town- Boulder, Colorado. It suits me because I consider myself a liberal too. However, many of those in my community consider marriage-saving efforts to be a Commie plot. In fact, when I moved to this town and people would ask me what I do, telling them that I am the Director of the Divorce Busting Center always yielded the same response- "Where were you ten years ago when I could have used you?" In short, most of the people I was meeting were divorced. After all, isn't divorce a rite of passage? I don't think so.

So, given my view of many Boulderites, I shouldn't have been surprised to read an article in a local paper entitled "Defending Divorce. When nearly one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, I'm certain that divorce hardly needs a defense. But that's not the reason for my dismay. The article was filled with erroneous assumptions and information.

The author considered it to be "meddling" that a proposed law requiring couples with children to take a class about the impact of divorce and for then go through a "cooling off" period before being allowed to divorce, demonstrated no appreciation for the havoc divorce leaves in its wake, especially when children are involved. Children have no veto power in a decision that forever alters their lives in often not-so-positive ways. The least responsible parents can do is learn about the insidious ways divorce effects their children. And as to the "cooling off" period, while it might not help, it certainly can't hurt.

Furthermore, in regards to the waiting period, the author wrote, "Once two people have decided they can't stand the sight of each other, there's really no place to go." Excuse me, but as a therapist specializing in work with couples on the brink for nearly three decades, I'm here to tell you, divorce is almost always a unilateral decision, leaving the desperate spouse in the dust. I'm certain that the left-behind spouse would jump at the chance to slow things down.

Additionally, while admittedly there are many, many unhealthy marriages, the author assumed there are two ways of handling this dilemma- getting out or staying miserable forever. But certainly, there is another realistic possible outcome- improving the quality of relationships so that both spouses feel happier and more connected. In the last decade, there has been a proliferation of effective, marriage-friendly therapy and evidenced-based marriage education classes that truly change the dynamics in failing relationships.

Should this new legislation pass, the author worried that women will get stuck in psychologically abusive relationships with alcoholic, controlling husbands. (A bit of male-bashing?) Research suggests that severe problems such as this account for only 10 to 15% of all divorces. The remainder of marital dissolutions is due to garden variety problems such as poor communication, growing apart or an inability to manage conflict, all of which are solvable problems.

The author and I do agree on point; it should be more difficult to get married. A marriage license requires little more than a few bucks, a blood test and some signatures, hardly solid preparation for a challenging, lifetime commitment. But the good news is that today's pre-marital classes are much more informative and life-transforming that those offered in the past. Furthermore, relationship skill-building classes are now required in many junior and senior high classes throughout the country. Indeed, prevention is key.

And yes, as the author suggested, more women than men file for divorce- two thirds, to be exact, but as someone in the front lines with couples, the causes the author cited for these filings- women's unfair share of housework and childcare, infidelity, money problems and so on- are merely red herrings. Most women leave because they feel emotionally neglected despite years of trying to get their husbands to be more responsive. Again, with help, these problems can be resolved.

Divorce should not be looked at as a jailbreak from prison. Research tells us that, contrary to popular belief, people in long-term healthy marriages live longer, are healthier, happier and do significantly better financially. Their children do better across countless dimensions as well.

So before jumping to the conclusion that putting a beat between the decision to divorce and moving out is Big Brother in action, consider the benefits of spouses working things out, keeping their families together and tucking their kids in bed at night...together.

Michelle Weiner-Davis runs 'Divorce Busting' in USA
www.divorcebusting.com

Love Actually

It’s Valentine’s day. Hype? A bumper season for florists? There are articles every where about love, from The Guardian Family Section on Saturday where we read about 5 couples who fell in love at first sight and seemed to buck the trend, ‘Marry in haste, repent at leisure,’ to ‘Sense’ the RBS Magazine which has emblazoned on the front, ‘The Love Issue – The Chemistry of Falling in Love.’

The High Court Judge Sir Paul Coleridge recently commented that there has been an explosion in communication through the social media and all manner of hand-held technologies. But there is a corresponding breakdown in personal communication. The hardware is everywhere but the software of interpersonal skills is wanting.

Perhaps love, on a daily basis, comes down to something very simple. Daily acts of appreciation, affection and admiration. This is what keeps love alive. And a couple demonstrating this kind of love will bequeath something very rich to their children too. Good role models. An example which is very likely to repeat itself in the next generation.

Make it Valentine’s every day of the year.

The Perfect Storm.

"Conditions are steadily heading for the perfect storm around marriage and family life." according to Professor Scott Stanley from the University of Denver, Center For Marital and Family Studies. Speaking about serial relationships, particularly cohabitation he says,

"A newborn child forms an emotional attachment to key adults in its life - it learns to love,trust and feel secure in their presence. Then suddenly one, usually the father, disappears and the child feels abandoned and deeply fearful. Just as suddenly another male may appear - and to start with is a source of fear and threat. Slowly the child learns to trust and feel secure again - only for the cycle to be repeated. We know that every cycle washes the babies brain with cortisol - the chemical associated with fear and abandonment - and permanently alters the brain development ans structure leaving the child less able to form loving adult relationships and more prone to anger and violence."

In thinking about how relationships are formed Professor Stanley says,"In abandoning the clearly defined process that used to lead through courtship and marriage we have left the next generation without a map in dangerous territory. People today slide through stages of becoming a couple or family without making clear decisions and end up locked into relationships that on or both don't value. Once the pressure get too great (like after the birth of a child) they simply cannot cope."

The challenge for those who work with families and couples is that of helping them to manage their relationships in order to work towards stability. It is something which is increasingly difficult to do because many have already slid into a partnership without the benefit of mutual clarity regarding commitment and the future of their arrangement.Difficult but not impossible.

Relationship education is about sharing the skills and strategies which can help couples build those long and lasting relationships.

6th National Relationship Education Conference, London February 2012

Professor Scott Stanley from the Centre For Marital and Family Studies prepares to speak at the London Conference 9 02 2012.
The conference looked at a variety of issues:
Why relationships really matter.
Relationship Education in the UK today.
Sliding v Deciding - how relationships form.
The Problem of Unsafe Relationships.
Information v Formation - Examples of Good Practice.
Timing is Everything?
Working with Chaotic Families.
Engaging Fathers from the Beginning.
Knowing how good you are at what you do.
Taking Opportunities You Have While Developing Those You Wish For.
Demonstrating Impact in Practice.

Reflections to follow.