Strauss. Music to Remember Dad.

This time of year there are traditions which are part of every family's celebrations. Some of these we have inherited from our spouses family. Like tomato soup as part of the Christmas lunch. Carols from King's College. And sitting down to listen to the Queen's speech.

Others we carry over from our own early years......like not sitting down for the Queen's speech. Or watching the New Year's Concert from Vienna which goes out to 50 countries.

The Vienna Concert has a particular resonance with me as it reminds me of my father who loved Strauss. So each time I hear Strauss and The Beautiful Blue Danube I recall his memeory and know that if he could have gone to the Concert it would have been one of the highlights of his life.

I wonder what music would remind you of your father?

If you have children, what might they chose of you? Now that would be an interesting and perhaps amusing selection!

15 Minute Recipe.

Will you take or make some time today with your spouse, to talk and listen together? Just 15 minutes a day, giving undivided attention can work wonders in helping a couple stay connected.

One Direction - 'Little Things'. A helpful reminder for Couples

'Never thought I would appreciate 'One Direction' but I am at the Gym and I hear this and realise that it is actually a very good song. It's not the best piece of writing as far as the lyrics go but it focuses on something very important in a relationship - the little things which make our partner unique.

Sometimes we can forget or miss these little appreciations, the little things which make our spouse or partner unique and special to us, especially if we are in a phase when things are not going well. That's when we can slip into a negative mindset which can leave a nasty taste in the relationship. At this point it is well to focus on the good and not allow the not-so-good to take hold.

And even if things are going well it is still important to communicate what it is you appreciate about your partner as a way of buildng up your friendship.

Take the time to make that little list. Share it. Enjoy and laugh over it. There might be a few surprises.

Marriage Preparation Evening Feedback.

 

'I normally get relationship information and advice from friends, my partner and family. This was an excellent evening and I feel really motivated about our relationship.'

'I need to think a lot harder about how my actions come across to my partner.'

'I was intrigued at the prospect of coming on a Marriage Preparation evening. I feel very motivated  as a result of being here asnd realise how important it is to learn to listen well to my partner.'

'This was a very good evening. The section, Bad Habits to Avoid - Good Habits to Foster is the one  which sticks with me from tonight.'

'I have never accessed relationshop advice from anywhere before. I would definitly recommend 'Love Well-Live Well' Marriage preparation to any couple.'

'I was intrigued at the prospect of coming tonight. The four sessions covered were excellent. I feel very motivated.'

What My Father Told Me.

I once asked some men to tell me what advice they had received from their Father. Their responses are at the end of this piece which I wrote about my own Dad.

I looked at myself
In the mirror,
Post shaving.

 

Minus glasses,

Squinting.

I had to move close. 

I saw my Father

His eyes.

Him, looking at me.

 

'It's ok, we all

Make mistakes sometimes'

He said.

'Keep your head up'
He counselled. 

 

What advice did your Father give you ?

My Father told me he was pleased at some of my accomplishments.

My Father told me, "Always keep the family together and make sure you spend time with your children."

My Father said, "Be honest in what you do and that will stand you in good stead no matter what you do in life."

The most important words from my Father? "Son you are a Bachelor Boy and that's the way to stay. Son you be a Bachelor Boy until your dying day."

What my Father said was, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again. He was lost and is found." Boy did we celebrate!

What advice did your Father give you?
What will you tell your own children?

Don't let your love slip away.

Hard Drives Replacing Sex Drives.

Separate Beds, Checking Your Blackberry and a Glass of Water – New Night Time Habits in Marriage.

 

British sleep researchers say the secret of a happy marriage may be separate beds -- or even separate bedroom. The Sleep Council reports that when couples share a bed both may be woken about six times during the night by their partner. The problem is worse if one or both snores or has restless leg syndrome.

About 25 percent of British adults snore, the British Snoring and Sleep Apnea Association said. The problem may cost their partners two hours of sleep every night.

In the United States, researchers at the University of Wisconsin found that the greatest marital problems seem to occur when one partner is a lark, getting up early in the morning ready for the day, and the other an owl who prefers to stay up late and sleep in. A California woman ended up getting a divorce because she got fed up with her husband's habit of staying up late playing computer games.

For other couples, separate bedrooms could be the right choice. The National Association of Home Builders predicted that by 2015 a majority of custom-built homes will have his-and-hers master bedrooms.

But what we do in bed is also changing according to the Sleep Council as sex drives are being swapped for hard drives as a quarter of British couples admit to sleeping separately on a regular basis.  According to the results of a survey by The Sleep Council for National Bed Month (March), the British bed is in danger of becoming more of a communications hub than a place for sleep as eight out of 10 people boot up a variety of hi-tech gadgets before bedtime.

The survey, to discover how The Great British Bedtime is changing, found a glass of water and separate beds are replacing cocoa and cuddles at bedtime.

After cleaning their teeth with an electric toothbrush and setting the alarm on their Blackberry or mobile (22%), the average adult slips, exhausted, into bed between 10 and 11pm. 40% rarely or sometimes go to bed at the same time as their partner while one in four couples admit to always or regularly sleeping separately. And before people lie down, charging up electrical appliances (22%) has definitely taken over from prayers (10%) as part of our bedtime routine.

 

“Busy night time routines are driving couples’ bedtimes and even their bedrooms apart,” says Jessica Alexander of The Sleep Council, “Nine per cent of those questioned admitted to always sleeping separately from their partner.”  Hardly surprising when you discover what people do in bed. One in three of us makes phone calls and sends or receives text or emails in bed. A further one in five keeps busy checking up on social networking sites such as Facebook, playing a computer game or listening to MP3 players.

 

But some things about The Great British Bedtime don’t change: the eponymous British ‘Jim Jams’ remain the most popular bedtime apparel with women (37%) outnumbering men (21%) in wearing them. Men are almost twice as likely as women (40% as opposed to 22%) to wear nothing at all. And a minority 1% of men questioned claim to wear a nightie!

 

Sorry Mr Clegg?

The dynamic was interesting. A politician uttering what has been described as the hardest word, ‘Sorry,’ directly on camera from, interestingly, his own home and not outside Parliament on the green grass or in his office.

“There is no easy way to say this, we made a pledge and we didn’t stick to it and for that, I am sorry............most important of all you have got to learn from your mistakes and that is what we will do.”

This has created an amazing stir. According to Nick Robinson, the BBC Correspondent, what may follow Nick Clegg in the wake of his apology could be, ‘disbelief, anger and ridicule.’

Apologising and saying sorry are fundamental to life. Relationships, any relationship, especially a man and a wife cannot go forward without apology and forgiveness being an integral part of them.  But what of political life? Will any of those who heard Nick Clegg two years ago promise not to raise tuition fees now be able to trust him again? Will their anger, disbelief and ridicule become a stumbling block to moving forward? Is not the bigger issue that will sink the Lib Dems., that they got into bed with the Conservatives in the first place?

Breaking this trust and promise has been described by Clegg as a huge ball and chain to both him and his party. And that is exactly how it can be for all of us. When Robert Green the England Football Goalkeeper let a speculative shot from the USA slip through his hands into the net a Sports Psychologist commented,’It was encouraging that Robert Green acknowledged immediately that he had made a mistake, rather than blaming the turf or the ball. When people attribute failure to other things it is an indicator of low self-esteem.”

In an interview with Chris Moyles on Radio 1, when Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow of ‘Take That’ were getting back together again, it was reported that “Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.

Perhaps the problem is also with the receiver not the apologiser. It behoves us to exercise forgiveness. ‘Forgiving others takes strength, particularly when you feel wronged but the fortitude required to forgive pales into comparison to the energy it takes to hold a grudge’ says Michelle Weiner-Davis.

The onus is on us to dance to a different tune than the old one of grudge and unforgiveness.

Attend to the Couple.

 “In 30 years of intervention work we’ve found that we can make a difference in a child’s academic, social and emotional success by working with the parents on how to deal productively with their problems and impasses as couples. Working with the couple is more likely to improve parenting quality than work on parenting strategies is to improve couples relationships.”

Carolyn Pape Cowan / Philip A Cowan, University California - The National Family & Parenting Institute, “Master Class” London, Dec 07  - “Attending to the Couple: the Missing Link in What Works Best in Parenting Support.”

Hope Springs - The boredom of long-term marriage.

Hope Springs, the new film starring Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones, highlights a growing trend among 'silver wedding’ couples to turn to relationship counsellors. It tells the story of a meek empty-nester, Kay (played by Meryl Streep), and her curmudgeonly husband, Arnold (Tommy Lee Jones), embarking on a week’s intensive marriage therapy.

Paula Hall, a counsellor for Relate, who has seen and enjoyed the film, says it is an uncannily accurate reflection of the boredom of many long-term marriages and the indifference couples develop towards each other.

“There’s a very moving scene in which Meryl Streep dresses up seductively but her husband doesn’t notice,” says Hall. “It’s a moment many of my clients have had, realising they have become invisible to their partners. I see so many couples who are best friends and run a very efficient home, but they no longer see each other in a sexual way.

“For many long-term couples, it’s really hard to define what’s wrong,” Hall continues. “Everything is very practical; for example, Streep and her husband sleep in separate beds because he snores, but they just don’t connect any more. Marriages have always been like this, but it didn’t used to matter so much, because after 30 years, you’d be ready for your pipe and slippers. But now we live so much longer, you might be married for another 30 years and you can’t tolerate such a passion-free existence.”

Relationship counsellor Andrew G Marshall, author of I Love You, But I’m Not in Love With You, confirms that an increasing number of his clients are “silver-wedding couples”. “I used to very seldom see anyone over the age of 45, but now it’s perfectly common to see couples in their late fifties or early sixties,” he says.

One reason for this is that therapy is no longer regarded as suspicious. “People now understand that therapists don’t all come from Germany and speak in a strange accent and ask clients to talk about their mothers. They have also realised that talking to each other might not be so terrible.”

Late middle-age is also the time when people can no longer escape their mortality. “There’s nothing that so forcefully brings home to you that life’s not forever as sitting at the bedside of a very elderly parent,” says Marshall. “Couples of this age find themselves in that situation and it forces them to address issues they’ve put off tackling for five, 10 years, thinking there would always be time later. Now they think: 'This is later, and I can’t put up with this any more.’”

Geraldine Bedell, editor of the online site Gransnet, says that a proportion of the site’s members have found it a therapeutic place to vent about long-term relationships. “It has given many the courage to leave partners whom in hindsight they wished they’d left much sooner,” she says.

According to Bedell, retirement can be a make-or-break time for many relationships. “We see a lot of posts about husbands being at home all day and not giving their wives enough space and autonomy. Men develop theories about household management, what the wife should buy, how she should cook, which can make their partners furious.

“There are also a lot of tales about formerly very happy sexual relationships, where the man has suddenly stopped having sex without explanation, and that makes the woman very unhappy.”

But can counselling help? A study by Northwestern University in Illinois found that 70 per cent of couples felt happier with their marriages post-therapy, citing lower levels of conflict and improved communication, although the researchers warned that “improvement often doesn’t catapult couples into the realm of the genuinely happily married”.

Paula Hall insists that long-term relationships can be saved. “As in the film, most marriages don’t end in drama, the connection just dies as you both change. You do change over time, but counselling gives you the chance to rediscover each other, to rejuvenate things.  The vital thing is to tackle problems when they arise, not when you’re already exchanging solicitors’ letters,” Hall adds. “If you think, 'Things could be better than this,’ then do something about it.”

(Taken from 2-in-2-1.co.uk)

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Climate Change.

When things are not going too well, when you are under pressure, beginning to nip at each other, rather than scan the horizon for your partners faults and mistakes, telescope in on the good, their achievements, their successes and express your appreciation. Create a culture of praise and foster climate change in your relationship.

Seeing Dad.

Sometimes I unexpectedly see

My long-dead Father

When I am fiddling.

Trying to do up a button

On a shirt,

Find scissors in a drawer,

Sort the DVD player

Or turn on the stubborn gas.

My hands flutter

And fluster.

His signature,

In the dance

Of my own.

Feeling Positive About Marriage

'Thanks for the marriage preparation Colm. It was a very positive experience and we appreciated talking about a variety of issues in a relaxed setting.' Things we have learned? We are comfortable and open in talking about any issue. It is so important to make time for each other. Forgiveness and saying sorry is really important in a relationship. Listening is as important as talking. All relationships have ups and downs and it is how you deal with them that matters.

The Best Prospects For Children

Lord Sacks, the Chief Rabb: “It is marriage that makes the greatest difference to the prospects, the life chances of our children. The breakdown of marriage carries with it not just a financial cost, not just a social cost, but a human and psychological cost. The greatest way of endowing our children with happiness is to give them the opportunity to form a stable and loving relationship with the two people who brought them into being.”

Warning! Children Can Damage Your Marriage.

Our culture has become very child-centric, meaning we place our children in the center of our lives. We make them our number one priority. There are many reasons we do this. Perhaps we felt neglected as children and we want to give our own children better lives. We see everyone else- friends, neighbors, relatives- doing it and we feel compelled to do the same. We are busy with work and feel that all of our free time should be spent with our children, and so on. Although on the surface of things, these reasons make perfect sense. However, when we live our lives this way, our marriages suffer. We become strangers to our spouses. We feel more connected to our children than our partners. That explains why empty nesters are still divorcing in droves. Once the children leave home, the relationship void feels overwhelming. I always tell couples that the best thing they can do for their children is to make the marriage the most important thing in their lives. Children benefit enormously when their parents have loving, close relationships. Plus, it makes marital longevity more likely. But most importantly, it models for children what good marriages are all about. If you find yourself or your spouse paying more attention to your children than each other, stop, and switch gears. That will put your marriage on safer ground. From:'7 Signs Your Marriage Is In Trouble' Michelle-Weiner Davis www.divorcebusting.com/blog

William & Kate One Year On.

Like many other couples, I am sure that William and Kate have found themselves thinking, 'Has it been one year already since our wedding?'
Much has been made of that year. ITV are devoting a whole programme to looking back on it and how this young couple, in the most extraordinary of circumstances have coped. Admirably well it seems. They have been described as 'a refreshing and uplifting part of the firm' and Kate gets on very well with her mother-in-law!
 Apart from their connections with 'the firm' they are experiencing much of what other ordinary couples have to contend with. Strange work schedules which mean extended time apart. The ordinariness of home life, the cooking, shopping, sorting that infernal pile of odd socks , washing and so on. 'We haven't got cooks and butlers and cleaners coming out of our ears at home in Anglesey. We cook together. We do the washing up together. We lead a normal life', quotes Tim Ewart in the Radio Times.
 First anniversaries are important. But later ones are more important after the glow of the early days has long faded. (Sometimes however one is apt to forget the date!) One simple key to not forgetting, is to not leave it as a annual occasion. Instead of waiting 12 months make your anniversary a monthly event.
What date was your wedding? Ok, on that date every month plan in a date night. Celebrate not just the
wedding date but your on-going friendship with your spouse. Have fun, eat out, watch a film, play a board game, go to the theater. Enjoy one another regularly beyond the grind, the routine, the shift work, the sometimes down-right hard work of parenting.
There is greater on-going value in the regular monthly date night, than in the once in a while big splash, especially if a couple is struggling in between. And on a daily basis, create a culture of appreciation. A word of encouragement, a compliment, a thank you, a touch. Be intentional about it.

Father & Son. Easter Piece.

He looks
With round face and clear
Dark eyes,
Smiling with a gummy grin.

He rubs his soft cheeks against
Mine and chuckles,
His warm baby-breath
A summer breeze on my face.

He dribbles down his chin,
Reaching imperfectly
With perfect hands
For what he cannot grasp.

‘Kicks his legs
With tomato-soft knees
And baby-burps a sour
Splurge on my shoulder.

Warm and reassuring,
I walk him in my arms
Reciting ‘The Shema’
In his lettuce-like ear.

Oh Judas,
You are such
A lovely baby.

Divorce is Divorce is Divorce.Civil Partnerships Identical Rights as Marriage.

Landmark case enshrines civil partnership as 'identical' to marriage.

Civil partners have “identical” rights to husbands and wives, three senior judges established yesterday as they settled the first multi-million pound homosexual split to come before the courts.

Don Gallagher, a West End actor, saw his £1.7 million “divorce” settlement from Peter Lawrence, a wealthy City analyst, reduced by almost £300,000 at the Court of Appeal. But the performer, who starred in the musical of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, walked away with an overall package worth almost £1.5 million, more than twice what his former partner had originally proposed.

The couple separated in 2008 after an 11-year relationship, which had been formalised as a civil partnership. Most of their income came from Mr Lawrence’s earnings as an analyst at J P Morgan, while Mr Gallagher combined his acting work with a “home making” role, the court heard. They shared a flat in London’s Docklands and a cottage in Sussex which Mr Gallagher furnished and describes as his “pride and joy”. He now lives there while Mr Lawrence kept the London flat after they separated.

But the dispute hinged on the fact that Mr Lawrence owned the London flat before the couple met. He initially proposed giving his former partner just 15 per cent of their £4 million joint assets. But a judge awarded Mr Gallagher almost half - or £1.7 million - including the cottage, a pension pot and a lump sum of almost £580,000. Yesterday, after an appeal by Mr Lawrence, the lump sum was reduced to give greater weight to the original value of the London flat.

Lord Justice Thorpe, sitting with Lord Justice Moses and Mr Justice Ryder, said there had been "no rationality" to the higher lump sum. Acknowledging that the case was a legal first, he made clear that the same principles should apply as in a heterosexual divorce. “This is said to be the first substantial appeal concerning financial orders made following the dissolution of a civil partnership," he said. "The fact that the claim arises from the dissolution of a civil partnership rather than a marriage is of little moment since it is common ground that the language of … the Civil Partnership Act 2004 is identical to the language of … the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973.”

Jonathan West, head of family law at the legal firm Prolegal, said: “This is a useful case particularly when considering the recent proposals to allow gay marriage. It should serve as a salutary lesson that anyone considering a civil partnership or gay marriage must understand what they are getting into … there should be no discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation and this case enshrines that principle.”

But Mr Gallagher’s lawyer, James Ferguson, of Boodle Hatfield, said: “Although the Court of Appeal made it clear that civil partnership dissolution cases should be treated in exactly the same way as divorces, it is questionable whether the outcome would have been the same if the facts had been transposed to an 11.7 year heterosexual marriage.”

Mr Gallagher added: “I am saddened by this case. Peter and I had spent more than 11 happy years together and achieved a great deal. It has been difficult on me and my family as I have had to borrow money to survive and to finance this court action.”

An Easter Thought For Couples.

It is Easter week. This is the time of the year when Christians remember the last week of the life of Jesus. During this week on the Thursday they recall his last meal, a Passover with his disciples. In the course of the evening there is the stunning incident when the Rabbi, in the true spirit of servant-hood, when none of the others present will condescend to what ought to be done, washes the feet of his own followers, including those of one who was, by all accounts, the least loveable. And then he instructs them henceforth to wash each other’s feet.

The significance of this incident only really impacted on me long after I first read it. On two separate occasions, years apart its power was impressed upon me.

I had been on holiday in Greece with a large group. We had spent a day in Athens during a week in which the city had experienced a heat wave. Our bus back to our camp site was late. So we loitered around in the uncomfortable heat, sweaty, sticky, feet feeling very grubby after a day tramping around the city sites. I meandered over to a fountain and sat on the edge with my ice lolly. And I put my tired plates of meat straight into the water. What an absolutely fantastic feeling, not only of mild coolness but sudden cleanliness. The penny dropped!

Many years later a friend came to visit our home for tea. Six of us enjoyed a good meal. After, with my wife, we switched into bed-time-routine mode with the children and “abandoned” our guest, as it was all hands to the pump to get the children organised. By 9 o’clock we had completed the “task” and sauntered down to begin to clear up from tea, fill the dishwasher, sweep floors, wipe the table, do the pots and pans, clean the cooker. A nightly 9pm routine alas.(We are not that bad really but things can build up, know what I mean?)

To our utter astonishment and sheer delight our guest had done the lot! It was such a fantastic feeling. It is what I call the “dynamic equivalent” of actually washing someone else’s feet. And it brought us such unexpected, undeserved pleasure. No dishes! A tidy kitchen!

What would happen in a relationship,where things are decidedly cool, not going well at all, if we were to take the initiative and wash the other person’s feet? It could be the first step back from autumn or winter to summer. What would happen if one person adopted the servant attitude, in a 21st century version of foot-washing? How might it bring about a climate change in the relationship?

Our feelings may be cool and cooling fast. We may be slowly disengaging emotionally from each other. It may have crept up on us in the midst of our partnership as parents with all the ordinary things needing attending to. But love is a choice. It is about attitude. Feet need washing every day. A simple act of the will on a daily basis may be the route into rediscovering love again.

I think it’s called, Resurrection.

And more so. This is a lesson not just for when things are not good. Couples whose relationship is going well need to continue to attend to those inventive acts of service which can keep it on track.

Happy Easter.

Time Out For Parents. A New Parenting Resource From X plus Y

Warning. Children!

Time Out For Parents.

Who is it for?

Designed for parents of younger children (0 – 9) Time Out for Parents covers general parenting principles. With a focus on prevention its five 2 - hour sessions help parents recognise the good and the positive things they are already doing and consider any changes they may want to make.

“Thank you for the parenting course. It has completely changed the way we operate as a family and has helped us all.”
“The parenting course gave me my life back. I finally learnt some ways to deal with my son and I’ve never looked back.”

What does it cover?

What children really need – understanding each child is different yet all have the same basic needs.

Emotional security – knowing what boosts and what damages self-esteem, helping children express feelings well plus listening skills.

Setting limits – the importance of boundary setting.

Keeping safe – including bullying, stranger-danger.

Problem solving – applying positive principles to different problems.

Contact Colm for details and bookings.

(Positive Parenting: www.parenting.org.uk)

Let Your Child Have You For A Day.

In the midst of a recent conversation at a parenting event I was attending I heard the phrase, "Sometimes I feel like I am just a taxi for my children!" It was said with a humourous grumpyness. How many of us have thought and felt the same, especially when you get the feeling that you are living your whole week at the local Leisure Centre and your children's times for their various classes are all higgledy piggledy and a logistical nightmare.

There is an upside and maybe I am saying this because our schedule is fairly reasonable this term. Who knows what will happen after Easter! But, the opportunities our children have at their disposal to be involved in a wide variety of groups is amazing. In my childhood days such choice was absent, partly because of geography (we lived in a relative backwater) but there has also been an explosion of availability, coupled with greater access through families being more mobile..............lots more family cars around.

The other upside is that you might find yourself having time alone with one of your children, once a week in the car. You have them and they have you. And those times can be very valuable. Sometimes a child will tell you all sorts of things when you have them on their own. Like, what is or is not happening at school, friendship issues, things about music and more.

You may of course have all 5 children at the same time and that's a different matter! It's called a nightmare - you know, at the Leisure Centre from 4 - 6.30 because there is no other way to organise it!

Whether it is 'forced' on you by their activity programme or something you deliberately plan for, it is worth nurturing one-to-one times with each of your children. Particularly if things have not been going well with a child, it can remind you as a parent that you still love them, they are great away from whatever it is that stresses them and it gives the child the blessing of a parent all to themselves without sibling rivalry. A child, the quieter one, the youngest one, can 'get lost' in a larger family because parental time is taken up with all else that is happening.

Let your child have you for a day or an afternoon. Let your teenager have you for an evening. Manage the former and the latter may be possible.

The Master Chef Marriage.

“We have a unique relationship. We are like an old married couple.” John Torode talking about his working TV friendship with Greg Wallace on ‘Master Chef.’


The papers have been covering the story of the demise of the marriages of John Torode and Greg Wallace, the presenters of the hugely successful series of ‘Master Chef.’ 5 marriages between them.

When you read about the life-styles of these two men there are tell-tale signs which flag up the need for vigilance. Previous broken marriages. Exhaustive TV work schedules on top of their other work, leaving time for little else. The adrenalin of success and the fame that comes with it. Serial infidelity, in one case. Any relationship under such pressures is going to suffer.

Strain need not but often does lead to estrangement, drifting apart. In most marriages emotional drift is the most common cause of break-up. Not necessarily because of heavy work loads, fame etc . It can also be the result of quietly losing touch with one another in the very ordinary lives which the majority of us live. Tell-tale signs don’t of course mean inevitability but they do act as red light warning signals and the presence of real risk. They should alert us to restorative action.

In the exalted atmosphere of fame and fortune Matt Damon, who has a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a 15 year old, speaks of making sure that he spends no more than two weeks away from his wife and children. It is a two week rule: they won’t be apart as a family for longer than two weeks and so far he and his wife have managed to keep it to one week. On a day to day basis he and his wife get the kids off to school and then have an hour together when they have coffee. They are creating a lasting legacy for their children.

Each couple needs to work out how to regulate their own relationship. For most of us in the ordinary run of the mill lives, it is about creating space, diaried space when we date our spouse once a month on the anniversary date of our wedding and on a daily basis, creating catch-up time. And if circumstances allow and can be arranged, an annual weekend away together.

The recipe for a drifting marriage can often begin with something simple. You make time for each other as a priority. Talking and listening time. Fun, doing-things-together-time. Non- children time. Reconnecting and reviving the friendship which mattered so much in the early days but may have become obscured and lost. It has to be an intentional part of how you take care of your marriage. And, very importantly, keeping work and success in perspective.

The oft-quoted cliche is true, no one on their death bed ever said they wished they had spent more time at work.




.

"Other People Should Come On This," she said.

From an evening of Marriage Preparation at a local Church the following comments were made:

He said, "I was nervous and fearful about coming on the evening but having been here I feel very motivated about our relationship.I am very glad that we came along."
She said, "I was excited about the evening and I feel really motivated about getting married."

He said, "I felt just ok about the prospect of the evening. Now I feel motivated."
She said, "I was feeling ok about coming and now I am reassured."

He said, "The information about the 5 Love Languages was excellent."
She said, "I thought the sections on Communication and Bad Habits-Good Habits were excellent."

He said, "I really appreciated the section about Bad Habits-Good Habits."
She said, "I think it would be good for other people to come on this."

They all said, "The section on Forgiveness in Marriage was very good."

'Love Well - Live Well'- An evening of Marriage Preparation by 'X plus Y'

Parent-Talk. An Evening For Parents. P7-S1

Find Out About:
The 5 Stages of Parenting.
What really matters to children?
Staying Connected.
Can The worst of times can be the best of times?
Being a Positive Parent.
Worried about substance abuse and young people?

Where? The Olive Grove Cafe, Southside Road, Kingsmill, Crown.
When? Wednesday March 21st 8pm – 10pm

Cost. £5 per Parent/s

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 “Believe me, my children have more stamina than a power station.”
Robbie Coltrane.
 “I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.” Reese Witherspoon.
 “There is no joy like parental joy, no pain like parental pain.”
Rob Parsons.

An evening organised by The Olive Grove, 6 Southside Road and presented by
Colm Black, X plus Y Ltd., www.xplusy.co.uk

If you wish to attend please get in touch at info@xplusy.co.uk
Places are limited.

Leaping To Propose.

It’s February 29th. A leap year and the traditional opportunity for a woman to propose to a man. ‘And why not?’ as Barry Norman used to say, But why leave it to a leap year?

A proposal, does it matter? Does it mean anything? Does itn really matter who does the proposing? The most important point about a marriage proposal is that it is a clear declaration of intent. It indicates a willingness to commit long term to a relationship. When it is accepted, there is mutual intention and clarity about the direction of the relationship from engagement, perhaps living together, to the permanence and security of marriage. It is, as one woman has said, “A way of cementing our relationship.”

Commitment secures attachment. And that matters crucially. Then the really hard but worthwhile challenge of living together as a married couple begins.

Clarity of intent is so important. And the key word here is 'mutual'. As Scott Stanley of the Marital and Family Studies Centre in Denver says, “Mutual decision making reduces risk in a relationship because you are both on the same page. Mutual decision making and commitment lead to resilience in a relationship. An imbalance or ambiguity leads to vulnerability. No relationship is doomed to failure but the crucial point is that without mutuality in clearly deciding the road ahead, the level of vulnerability and risk goes sky-high.”

Some are afraid of that decision making. Marriage does not have a good public press. Perhaps a marriage did not work out before so they do not want to go there again. And yet most marriages succeed and marriage is still the most secure relationship form for couples and children.

Or some people prefer to keep their options open, cohabiting or sliding in and out of various live-in arrangements. Such ambiguity actually works against the very thing which people want - a stable secure relationship. It can make a relationship which is not great keep moving in the direction of even more not-greatness.

So. February 29th - an opportunity? In the words of The Proclaimers,

"We've been going too long to be vague
When there's something to say
If it's not now, then it's never
So I'll say it straight out
'Cos I have no doubt, no doubt

Let's get married
I love you and I want to stay with you
Let's get married...."

Defending Divorce. Really?

I live in a very liberal town- Boulder, Colorado. It suits me because I consider myself a liberal too. However, many of those in my community consider marriage-saving efforts to be a Commie plot. In fact, when I moved to this town and people would ask me what I do, telling them that I am the Director of the Divorce Busting Center always yielded the same response- "Where were you ten years ago when I could have used you?" In short, most of the people I was meeting were divorced. After all, isn't divorce a rite of passage? I don't think so.

So, given my view of many Boulderites, I shouldn't have been surprised to read an article in a local paper entitled "Defending Divorce. When nearly one out of every two marriages ends in divorce, I'm certain that divorce hardly needs a defense. But that's not the reason for my dismay. The article was filled with erroneous assumptions and information.

The author considered it to be "meddling" that a proposed law requiring couples with children to take a class about the impact of divorce and for then go through a "cooling off" period before being allowed to divorce, demonstrated no appreciation for the havoc divorce leaves in its wake, especially when children are involved. Children have no veto power in a decision that forever alters their lives in often not-so-positive ways. The least responsible parents can do is learn about the insidious ways divorce effects their children. And as to the "cooling off" period, while it might not help, it certainly can't hurt.

Furthermore, in regards to the waiting period, the author wrote, "Once two people have decided they can't stand the sight of each other, there's really no place to go." Excuse me, but as a therapist specializing in work with couples on the brink for nearly three decades, I'm here to tell you, divorce is almost always a unilateral decision, leaving the desperate spouse in the dust. I'm certain that the left-behind spouse would jump at the chance to slow things down.

Additionally, while admittedly there are many, many unhealthy marriages, the author assumed there are two ways of handling this dilemma- getting out or staying miserable forever. But certainly, there is another realistic possible outcome- improving the quality of relationships so that both spouses feel happier and more connected. In the last decade, there has been a proliferation of effective, marriage-friendly therapy and evidenced-based marriage education classes that truly change the dynamics in failing relationships.

Should this new legislation pass, the author worried that women will get stuck in psychologically abusive relationships with alcoholic, controlling husbands. (A bit of male-bashing?) Research suggests that severe problems such as this account for only 10 to 15% of all divorces. The remainder of marital dissolutions is due to garden variety problems such as poor communication, growing apart or an inability to manage conflict, all of which are solvable problems.

The author and I do agree on point; it should be more difficult to get married. A marriage license requires little more than a few bucks, a blood test and some signatures, hardly solid preparation for a challenging, lifetime commitment. But the good news is that today's pre-marital classes are much more informative and life-transforming that those offered in the past. Furthermore, relationship skill-building classes are now required in many junior and senior high classes throughout the country. Indeed, prevention is key.

And yes, as the author suggested, more women than men file for divorce- two thirds, to be exact, but as someone in the front lines with couples, the causes the author cited for these filings- women's unfair share of housework and childcare, infidelity, money problems and so on- are merely red herrings. Most women leave because they feel emotionally neglected despite years of trying to get their husbands to be more responsive. Again, with help, these problems can be resolved.

Divorce should not be looked at as a jailbreak from prison. Research tells us that, contrary to popular belief, people in long-term healthy marriages live longer, are healthier, happier and do significantly better financially. Their children do better across countless dimensions as well.

So before jumping to the conclusion that putting a beat between the decision to divorce and moving out is Big Brother in action, consider the benefits of spouses working things out, keeping their families together and tucking their kids in bed at night...together.

Michelle Weiner-Davis runs 'Divorce Busting' in USA
www.divorcebusting.com

Love Actually

It’s Valentine’s day. Hype? A bumper season for florists? There are articles every where about love, from The Guardian Family Section on Saturday where we read about 5 couples who fell in love at first sight and seemed to buck the trend, ‘Marry in haste, repent at leisure,’ to ‘Sense’ the RBS Magazine which has emblazoned on the front, ‘The Love Issue – The Chemistry of Falling in Love.’

The High Court Judge Sir Paul Coleridge recently commented that there has been an explosion in communication through the social media and all manner of hand-held technologies. But there is a corresponding breakdown in personal communication. The hardware is everywhere but the software of interpersonal skills is wanting.

Perhaps love, on a daily basis, comes down to something very simple. Daily acts of appreciation, affection and admiration. This is what keeps love alive. And a couple demonstrating this kind of love will bequeath something very rich to their children too. Good role models. An example which is very likely to repeat itself in the next generation.

Make it Valentine’s every day of the year.

The Perfect Storm.

"Conditions are steadily heading for the perfect storm around marriage and family life." according to Professor Scott Stanley from the University of Denver, Center For Marital and Family Studies. Speaking about serial relationships, particularly cohabitation he says,

"A newborn child forms an emotional attachment to key adults in its life - it learns to love,trust and feel secure in their presence. Then suddenly one, usually the father, disappears and the child feels abandoned and deeply fearful. Just as suddenly another male may appear - and to start with is a source of fear and threat. Slowly the child learns to trust and feel secure again - only for the cycle to be repeated. We know that every cycle washes the babies brain with cortisol - the chemical associated with fear and abandonment - and permanently alters the brain development ans structure leaving the child less able to form loving adult relationships and more prone to anger and violence."

In thinking about how relationships are formed Professor Stanley says,"In abandoning the clearly defined process that used to lead through courtship and marriage we have left the next generation without a map in dangerous territory. People today slide through stages of becoming a couple or family without making clear decisions and end up locked into relationships that on or both don't value. Once the pressure get too great (like after the birth of a child) they simply cannot cope."

The challenge for those who work with families and couples is that of helping them to manage their relationships in order to work towards stability. It is something which is increasingly difficult to do because many have already slid into a partnership without the benefit of mutual clarity regarding commitment and the future of their arrangement.Difficult but not impossible.

Relationship education is about sharing the skills and strategies which can help couples build those long and lasting relationships.

6th National Relationship Education Conference, London February 2012

Professor Scott Stanley from the Centre For Marital and Family Studies prepares to speak at the London Conference 9 02 2012.
The conference looked at a variety of issues:
Why relationships really matter.
Relationship Education in the UK today.
Sliding v Deciding - how relationships form.
The Problem of Unsafe Relationships.
Information v Formation - Examples of Good Practice.
Timing is Everything?
Working with Chaotic Families.
Engaging Fathers from the Beginning.
Knowing how good you are at what you do.
Taking Opportunities You Have While Developing Those You Wish For.
Demonstrating Impact in Practice.

Reflections to follow.

Married Love - More Than A Feeling,

“Till death us do part.” I wonder how many couples will say those words as they get married during the coming year? Even though the divorce statistics shout otherwise, on our wedding day, at least, most of us truly believe in the promise we make to each other of a permanent commitment.

I am sometimes asked what I believe is the greatest threat to marriages today. There could be many answers, but I’m sure that the idea that love is just a feeling must be one of the greatest. One of the most popular readings at wedding services is that incredible passage about love in the Bible:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I like hearing that reading at a wedding, but I’ve often felt that it is lost on the couple because on that day they feel so in love. However those verses talk not just of the emotion of love, but its acts – the doing of love. What does it mean for you and me that 'love is kind', or that ‘it keeps no record of wrongs'? What can it mean that ’love is patient’, ‘not self-seeking' and ‘not easily angered'? And what can it possibly mean that 'love never fails'?

Sometimes it's hard to know where to start with this kind of commitment. Our heads and hearts are swimming with so many emotions. Some of us are, right now, experiencing difficult times. But if we want to save our love, or find again a love that we feel we may have lost, then we have to begin down that road. And such a beginning cannot just be in the mind or even the heart. If things are to change, something must happen. It could be very small – a touch or an expression of appreciation instead of the expected criticism. Or perhaps it could be something larger like an acknowledgement that things are difficult between us at the moment, but that we have a commitment to work on our marriage together.

That beginning is vital. Whether it's a father determined to spend more time with his family, or a wife resolving to help her husband articulate all that he is bottling up inside, we have to begin. It will normally involve us in a battle on at least two fronts. Firstly, because such times will often be when the feeling of love is low, they will only happen by an act of the will. If we wait until we feel like taking that first step, we'll normally wait a long time. Secondly, such action will inevitably involve us in a battle with that great enemy, time. It would be easier to deal with problems of relationships if we could do so in a vacuum. But we can't do that. We have to tackle them in the real world, where children have dental appointments, and the car breaks down, and a hundred people scream at us, “Can you do this please?” But we must remember that we are fighting for the survival of love.

Couples who stay together are prepared to go through periods in their relationship where commitment and responsibility is what keeps them together. None of us want to live our whole lives loving with gritted teeth, but there are thousands of couples who tried again, perhaps “for the sake of the kids”, and in the process found again a love they’d thought was gone forever.

As wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not enough for a marriage. There will be many different times during it when we need to decide to love – even when we don’t feel like it. Turning off our favourite TV programme when we know our husband needs to talk? Doing that hated chore when it’s not your turn, but we know how stressed our wife is?

It’s the stuff of commitment.

Courtesy. Rob Parsons - Care For The Family.

More Work. Less Talk.

More than a third of parents rarely talk to their children due to increasing pressure at work, latest research has revealed. The survey of 2,000 parents by children’s communication charity I CAN found that austerity measures and poor pay deals are forcing parents to work longer hours and spend less time with their children.

Three-quarters of those surveyed are taking on extra work and 35 per cent admitted increased workloads meant they rarely have time to talk to their children. One in five parents said they are too tired to talk with their children when they get home from work and 55 per cent said they have less quality time with them due to work. Among those surveyed, one in five has taken a second job and a similar proportion is taking work home. A third said work calls or responding to emails at home often hampers attempts to talk with their children.

I CAN has warned a lack of conversation at home can impact on children’s communication skills and affect their performance when they start primary school. Kate Freeman, I CAN communication adviser, said: "We’re concerned at the knock-on effect on young children who need verbal interaction to build their own speaking and understanding skills, especially in the early years."Without these skills they may start school with a lower level of language than expected at their age."

Playing Catch-Up.

Ok. Now let me get this right. Monday is music lesson for..........then Beavers. Tuesday is swimming for two, which two?......then music for one straight after.............and Wednesday is swimming for one, then Cubs for two straight after..............and all homework has to be done by Thursday ...and you are home late from work 3 days this week, did you say........and then there is Church House Group to be organised for Thursday.....and I would like to escape to the Gym at some point.....and the garage needs clearing out ....and I have a meeting at school about..........is that on Tuesday or Wednesday?.................and the washing machine has broken down and we need to return those two films to LoveFilm as we have had them a fortnight and not watched them.................and have we any school socks for the boys,.... you know, the right ones for the right boys dear?! And have I taken the dog to the vet? Which day am I to do that? Oh, and Uncle Tom Cobbly and all are calling at the weekend.

Familiar? It is easy to pass like ships in the night as parents. How important it is to create even a small window of opportunity each day to sit down with your spouse for a catch-up. Not merely a functional diary session as you would at work and then hasten on to the next task.....like sorting the lunches for the next day or your nightly hour on facebook or twitter!

Good talking and listening creates intimacy and keeps us connected with each other beyond the functionality of parenting, which can unfortunately spill over into our relationship with our spouse and it them becomes functional leading to emotional drift.

Here are 3 non-diary-type questions which might help over a 15 minute cup of coffee before you get back to the necessary responsibilities, like sorting the lunches and the 1 hour on faceb.....

1. Tell me one thing that happened in your life to-day that you really enjoyed?

2. Now, tell me something that was really hard?

3. If you could re-live today, what would you do differently?

The 'Not - So - Great - Escape.'

According to news, this is one of the busiest months of the year when it comes to dealing with relationship fall-outs after the tensions of the Christmas period. Family Law Firms can be inundated with enquiries from struggling couples who are wondering about divorce.

For those seriously seriously thinking about separation the festive period, it seems has only highlighted their plight and the new year resolution mentality means that it's finally time to deal with it. These relationships will have been on tender hooks for some time no doubt. For others it may be merely a reaction to a bad season and they are wondering about their options.

But divorce causes more problems than it solves, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis who wrote 'Divorce Remedy.'She calls it the 'Not-So-Great- Escape.' It impacts the adults involved and spills over into subsequent relationships. And it can have a devastating effect on children. If not immediately apparent, it can have a sleeper effect and surface later in life.

It was the High Court Family Judge, Sir Paul Coleridge who said recently, 'Mend it - don't end it!' with reference to marriages in difficulty, as he launched his 'Marriage Foundation'with the aim of working to avoid the chaos in children's lives as a consequence of divorce and failing relationships.

Perhaps the better New Year resolution, rather than high-tailing it to the Lawyer to discuss break-up, would be to seek out help to put the relationship back on track. The majority of couples who chose that route and work at the marriage and stay together, report five years later, that they were glad they did not follow through with their divorce intentions.

Marriages can be saved. It is not an easy road back from the brink. It requires a change of mindset at the personal level and also in our wider culture. As Weiner-Davis says, " I believe that the constant barrage of negative data about marriage takes its toll on society. We start to believe that divorce is one of life's normal rites of passage..........when the going gets rough, we just leave.............Just think about how our collective unconsciousness might be altered if the media spent a fraction of the time investigating why marriage works instead of informing and warning us about the death of marriage."

The resources of 'X plus Y' are available to help couples on the road to recovery. And equally important, they are available to those who want to spend some time giving their relationship some care and attention before things become critical.

'Divorce Remedy' Michelle Weiner-Davis (Publ. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks) Quoted by permission.

Real Marriage.

Mars Hill Church, Seattle are running a series of teaching sermons on the Biblical view of Marriage for those who are interested in knowing what the Christian perspective is.
The details of the series can be viewed at www.marshill.com/real-marriage.