When two people are talking at the same time, no one is listening. Consequently, there is no communication. For conversation to be meaningful it requires talking and listening. How hard can that be? Yet, 87 % of those who divorce say their main problem was that they could not communicate. Everybody Wins
Listening begins with an attitude. If I choose to believe that every person I encounter is made in God's image; that their thoughts and feelings are important, then I am prepared to listen. If I think that the world revolves around me; that my ideas are all that counts, then why should I listen to anyone else? Many couples don't have a communication problem, they have an attitude problem.
If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen. Listening leads to understanding. Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response. When I speak before I listen, I'm simply throwing words into the wind.
May I give you a practical suggestion for this Christmas week?
When your spouse begins talking, about anything, imagine yourself having huge elephant ears. Have you heard the expression, "I'm all ears"? That's what I'm talking about. Don't think about how you are going to respond. Focus on making sure you understand the thoughts and feelings of your spouse. Then, when it's your turn to talk, your spouse can put on the elephant ears.
Dr Gary Chapman.
Friday 24 December 2010
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Footloose At 50
People over 50 are not staid and settled but are in fact among the most promiscuous of the population, according to a recent survey. The rising statistics revealed a quarter of this age group cheat on their partner, while one in six said they never used contraception with a new lover.
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
Monday 6 December 2010
Amnesia
My wife is constantly amazed by me. What she finds most remarkable(or is it frustrating?) is that I can remember the most trivial of information – especially about sport or films from years ago – but I somehow have difficulty remembering who came to Sunday lunch two weeks ago!
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
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