More Or Less?

Recently I was a guest at the celebration of a 30 year old marriage! The couple had invited family and some close friends to mark their 30th year as husband and wife. Like every other marriage it has been a life of ups and downs, joy and pain but their love and commitment to each other is deeper than it was at the start, in the heady days of romantic love.

Should this surprise us in a day and age when so many relationships are short term? It has been built on strong friendship, commitment before friends and God, and hard work at times. But also the recognition that the priority in the home has been their relationship. They have watched carefully over their friendship. Their love has deepened so that now, with the children up and away they have a vibrant, strong and enjoyable relationship. Their marriage is richer, deeper, fuller. It has not diminished with time. Like good wine it is continuing to mature and get better. It is in remarkable contrast to the story I heard of the couple divorcing in their seventies, with the wife saying she has been miserable for the last thirty years.

Speaking of the Biblical prophet, Jeremiah, Eugene Peterson says,”Some people as they grow (in age)become less. As children they have glorious ideas of who they are and what life has for them. Thirty years later we find they have settled for something grubby and inane. Other people as they grow become more. Life is not an inevitable decline into dullness; for some it is an ascent into excellence.” The same can be true of marriage. It can be an ascent into excellence and not an inevitable decline into dullness.

Neil Chethik who interviewed over 300 men for his book, “VoiceMale”, says, “Looking over many conversations with empty-nest husbands I was struck by how intentional the happiest couples are about investing in their relationship. By the time couples reach the twenty year mark............they realise that resting on their laurels, allowing momentum to carry them is not enough. If they want to remain happily married, they have to continue to invest in their relationship.“

It was Groucho Marx who said, “Marriage is a great institution. But who wants to live in an institution!” That sort of humorous cynicism reflects many people’s opinion. But there is no reason why a marriage cannot be like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter ‘til the full light of day. Many can bear testimony to it being so. Richer, deeper, fuller. More, not less.



Eugene Peterson, “The Quest” Used by permission Zondervan www.zondervan.com
Neil Chethik “VoiceMale” Publ Simon & Schuster

Finishing The Race.

It seemed like a good idea at first but by the time the 3 mile marker appeared I was wondering about the wisdom of it. I had entered the Moray Forest run through the beautiful Culbin Forest. In the end I made it over the line – second last, which put me in mind of the African athlete at the Mexico Olympics who finished the marathon an hour and a half after everyone else. His comment on being asked why he didn’t just stop when he was so far behind was very telling. He said, “I was not sent here to win but to finish the race.” I too was determined to finish the 5 miles. That was my goal.

In my case the car park was not quite empty when I arrived at the end! Culbin Forest is beautiful. There was pleasure and satisfaction in taking part but I would have enjoyed the run more had I done some training. Deciding off the cuff to run five miles is a bit crazy, risky, asking for agony. I could have been in better shape for it, prepared better.

Getting married is like running a long race. It is still the lifestyle choice of many and most young people when asked, aspire to it. (The “Wedding Business” is a huge industry) The great news is that the majority of marriages last a lifetime. But there is no question that relationships are under more and more pressure these days – work patterns, money issues etc. We can find ourselves in the middle of the race wondering what is going on, feeling pain, bewildered, wanting to opt out or alternatively doing just fine. I had never run five miles before; I had never been in the midst of the running fraternity before. It was all new to me. Marriage is an all-new experience, even for those who have lived together beforehand.

Marriage preparation is time well spent. You are preparing for a lifetime together. It makes complete sense to be as well prepared as you can so that you have some idea of the terrain, know what to expect, can give it your best and finish the race, having enjoyed the highs and run well together through the inevitable lows. One person I know told me that she still recalls what she learned on a preparation course 25 years ago.

Meticulous detail will be put into preparing for the big day. So, celebrate the Wedding. But prepare for the Marriage. Why not consider taking one of the courses offered through X plus Y so that you can run well together
For those who are already married - Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
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Murphy's Laws of Parenting.

· The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

· The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

· The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

· A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

· For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

· Toys multiply to fill any space available.

· Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

· If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.

· Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

· The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.

The Wild Swan

It wasn’t quite what I had expected when I said I would pay him a visit but then why should I have been surprised. After all, this was the man who once came to visit myself and some friends on the remote west coast of Ireland of an evening, by canoeing round a headland in the dark. So when he invited me to take a trip out to check his boat on the River Bann at nine o’clock on a pitch black October night it seemed typical.
 
There wasn’t a cloud in the heavens. The stars were picture perfect. There was no wind and the sound of our small engine travelled far. A slight night breeze freshened the face. And looming out of the dark, The Wild Swan came into view like a ghost ship.

Having clambered on board, we sat round a narrow table with knees tucked in, had green tea, no sugar and Digestive biscuits. It was perfectly quiet except for the small hissing tilly lamps which gave a shadowy atmosphere to the wooden cabin as we chatted about the past, sport, family life, the pictures fastened on the walls and how he had come to acquire the Swan.

She had belonged to a well known and respected sailor who had for years, taught many people how to sail this potentially treacherous coastal area. A coastline he knew like the back of his hand. She had been up around the Baltic Seas and had spent a year sailing in the Mediterranean.

One day out of the blue my friend had received a call to say that the Wild Swan had sunk. It had run aground along the very coastline of which the owner was so expert. But why? How could a sailor of such experience make such a horrendous mistake? Complacency, was my friends answer.

The call having been made, my friend was made an offer. Did he want the Swan which was at the bottom of the sea? He did indeed! And after extensive efforts it was raised to the surface and brought ashore.6 months hard work cleared the 4 feet of silt from inside the boat and another 3 years of renovation saw it back again on the water, almost fit for purpose.

Complacency. It is a subtle danger in our marriage. Having navigated the same stretch of daily life many, many times, we can assume the way ahead, take each other for granted. We assume that we will sail safely on, just as we have been doing. We become complacent.

When, for whatever reason, we fail to pay attention to our marriage we can find ourselves unaccountably sinking, or worse, at the bottom of the sea. Our marriage may not exhibit any of the extreme critical signs of crisis. We live, operate and exist without ever really hurting one another. Onlookers would never see any untoward signs. But we are slowly going under, drifting apart emotionally. And often it only shows itself when the children are up and gone and we realise we have nothing left for each other. We have been so child focused (why do so many marriages break up after 20 – 25 years?) or self –focused that we have neglected each other. Perhaps because things have been flat calm we have been able to sail on together for years presuming all is ok and all will be so. But we run aground. Recovery at times like this can be very costly but not impossible.

Michelle Weiner-Davis says,"When it comes to tough times in marriage, know this. Hope plus determination plus new skills can equal a completely new outcome."

And Eugene Peterson the American Pastor and Writer says, “A marriage takes year after year of alert and wide-eyed attention.” Much better to give your marriage the care and attention it needs now even though and especially if the children are still around.

By now it was well after 10o'clock. Having had our chat over tea and Digestives and with the temperature dropping, we headed back to shore, leaving the Wild Swan to the cold October night.

There is still work on her needing to be done. But she sails again up the west coast of Scotland each summer.

Mind The Gap!

I have enjoyed some great train journeys in my time. (And some not so great.) I love the long ones, especially through countryside which I have never seen before. On the Stirling to Naples, overnight via London and Paris, it was fascinating to see all the different people who came and went at various stations. Charlotte to Greensboro reminded me of “The City of New Orleans,” that famous Arlo Guthrie song about the great trans-American train. The Lisburn to Ballymoney in the mid-70s was of an altogether different standard however, having separate compartments with sliding doors in the carriages and arriving at cold, empty Ballymoney Station with the station-master huddled around a pot-bellied stove and looking like the station-master from the opening credits of “Once Upon A time In The West.”
But the Belfast to Lurgan was memorable for a different reason. It was the familiar, daily routine journey. I had taken this trip many times. One day as usual I waited for the train. Absorbed in my book I wandered over to the edge as it pulled into the station. As I presumed to get on I missed the step and my leg went down into the gap between the carriage and the platform. In a sudden-wide-awake moment I pulled my leg swiftly up and proceeded into the carriage to take my seat. Sitting down, my thigh began to really hurt and a wave of nausea came crashing over me. Nothing broken. Fortunately no vomiting. I eventually recovered. I had experienced the gap but survived.
In our relationship with our spouse or partner it is easy to fail to notice the gap. We can be so preoccupied with the ordinary and necessary responsibilities and chores of life, work patterns and shifts, separate leisure pursuits, children, daily home routines etc that an emotional gap quietly opens up in our relationship without us even noticing. Something is lost. We begin to drift into being partners and parents rather than close friends, confidants and lovers. Our relationship becomes functional.
To begin to regain what was lost takes something very simple. Decide to make time each day for one another. For 10-15 minutes just sit together over a coffee and talk, listen, don’t judge, just attentively be there and give each other the undivided attention which you knew in the early days of your relationship and which you so enjoyed. And you will begin to enjoy the journey again.
Mind the gap.

Promises Promises.

Confusion, hurt, bewildermment and anger seem to be the order of the day amongst many loyal supporters of the Lib Dems and Conservatives over recent events. Significant differences and policy distinctives appear to have been sacrificed in the shuffle to get into No 10 and get the incumbent out. What of the promises in the manifestos, made and broken to gain power?
Promises. Must they always be subservient to a "higher cause". In relationships they matter immensely. Promises count. They are words of commitment. They signal intent and dedication. They foster trust and are worth recalling when times are tough. A commitment has been made. It requires to be adhered to and not lightly, if ever, discarded. The public taking of vows and making promises is one of the distinguishing marks between marriage and the private arrangment of cohabitation.
The lightness in our attitude to promises reminds me of this poem about the Auld Lammas Fair in Ballycastle where you can see promises made over the buying and selling of horses.

Promises. Promises.

We will buy a horse again this year
At the Lammas Fair.

We will look at its teeth
And run our hands over its haunches
And its tail will fall through our hands
As easy as sand through fingers.

And we will run it up and down
The Fair Hill in the sweltering August afternoon
Scattering crowds and scaring people from Belfast.

And we will spit on our palms
And slap hands together
In agreement.

And when you are driving
From Ballycastle to Ballymoney
Some wet November day,
You might see it
Loitering
In a pasture more mud than grass,
Somewhere near Dervock.

Motionless.
Head bowed against the icy rain.

scottishbabyshow

Recently I attended the Scottish Baby Show at the SECC.I never knew these sorts of things existed! There's a market for everything in life! And money to be made. Giants like Heinz, Mamas and Papas,and ............me, small fry from the Highlands. But no one was offering what I had - support for the couple at the new parenting stage which is when most say that their relationship first experienced real difficulties. "Letssticktogether" is the short 1 hour course I promote. 50 brochures were given out - a case of casting your bread on the waters and seeing what comes of it.
It was a good but long day (5.30am to 10pm) and not as daunting an experience as I thought. Actually, quite enjoyable.

Beth Neilsen-Chapman

Welcome to Blackmail - Colm's blog. I am a Relationship Educator so I will be writing primarily about relationships. However I will venture into other territory as well.
Recently I attended a concert by Beth Neilsen-Chapman. In one of her songs she had these words: "All that matters when we're gone, All that mattered all along, All we have that carries on is how we love."
Love - a word which trips off the tongue and is easily spoken. But love is not easy. It requires us to be tough, compassionate, forgiving, determined, courageous. It is a choice we make not an emotion we follow, for love changes with time. Yes, the emotions are invloved, but only after the high of the emotional phase can real love begin and that is where choice comes into play. We chose to love and that is shown in our actions towards others. Without love, we are nothing and what we do counts for nothing.