Molatov Cocktail

Many years ago I lived in a flat with paper walls. Unfortunately, I could hear a lot. A young couple, newly married and active. But it was the activity of domestic abuse. By all accounts a nice young couple. But underneath?

Through these walls
The sounds of rushing
From room to room
Muffled shouts
Banging doors
Temper
And female sobbing.

Then silence.

Later
As usual on one of these nights
The sounds of sex.

I meet the man
Unexpectedly the next day
Behind his desk
At the JobCentre Plus

Advising me
Of ways to improve my life.


What we see in front of us can be deceiving. Marriages can be deceptive. On the face of it all can seem well whilst underneath there can be real issues, though not always as serious as this couple. A marriage might look to everyone else as if it is in summer. But behind closed doors it could just as well be in autumn or deepest winter. Often when a marriage splits, friends say they had no inkling whatsoever that anything was wrong. They never saw it coming.

“When we think of relationship counselling” says Paul Tournier, “We think immediately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples who frequently come to violent blows. But there are many others which deserve our attention and care because their marriage or relationship is no less a failure. They live side by side, without hurting one another but poles apart because of no real understanding of one another.”

Research suggests that people can wait up to 6 years before going for help when things are under strain. Perhaps it’s denial. Or a fear of acknowledging failure. Maybe it’s a case of not knowing where to go or what is available. Sometimes only one partner is willing, usually but not always the woman. For others their relationship can be in the late stages of autumn or already in winter and they may think there is no way out of the freeze. In some cases it may simply be fear that stops couples from getting help, support, counsel.

It’s never too late. Relationships can move from winter back into spring though the road may be hard. Obviously, the sooner help is sought in any situation the better. If things are not going well behind closed doors, make that call, set up that appointment. Don’t let it drift or hope it will mend itself if you buy a house together, decide to have a child as a way of bolstering things or redecorate the lounge and move the furniture around.

If you are married and merely existing together, yet without hurting one another, in a relationship in which you are emotionally poles apart, make it a priority to spend more time together. Begin with 10-15 minutes a night just sitting talking and listening. And do again some of the enjoyable things you did together in the early days. Date one another. Rediscover the pleasure of presence and good conversation. Rekindle the delight of the early days.

If you are struggling and need to talk to someone, please get in touch: info@xplusy.co.uk

Down Under - A Step In The Right Direction?

National Marriage Coalition of Australia declares breakthrough as Coalition announces marriage education voucher plan On 12th August 2010, at the annual National Marriage Day celebration dinner held in Sydney, The Shadow Minister for Families, Kevin Andrews, announced a new policy to support and strengthen Australian marriages reports SmartMarriages.
The Coalition Government, if elected, will provide a $200 marriage education voucher for those couples wanting to be better prepared for marriage. Gerard Calilhanna, a spokesman for the National Marriage Coalition said, “This is a major breakthrough for marriage. We have been waiting for this for a long time.
The Marriage Manifesto, which was released to both the Labor and Coalition governments in 2007 at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood on 18 September 2007, says (Point 8, page 8), “Support Marriage and parenting education programs considering marriage or seeking to improve their family relationships by: introduce a $200 voucher system for marriage preparation courses available to all couples planning to marry.” These policy proposals are now coming to pass.”
Mary-Louise Fowler said, “This is the best news for marriage we have heard from any government since the confirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman through the marriage amendment act in 2004. We call upon the Labor Government to support this important initiative on a bi-partisan basis as they did in 2004 because we need to promote a renewed culture of marriage within our nation for the common good of all.”
Dr. Allan Carlson Convenor of the World Congress of the Family, who addressed the capacity crowd at the York Conference Centre said, “Thousands of recent research projects in the fields of sociology, psychology, anthropology, and medicine all testify to one truth: children predictably do best when they are born into a married-couple home and raised by their two natural parents.”

Tomato Soup, Roast Potatoes & Swiss Army Knives

Families are all different. And each has its own traditions. Sometimes you only discover these once you are married. For example – tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch! I’m sorry, run that past me again dear. “We always have tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch.” “But we never have tomato soup at Christmas time and................ where are the roast potatoes?” “Oh we never have roast potatoes at Christmas.” It’s a bit of a shock as you have to make an immediate cultural adjustment right there in front of the extended family with a steaming hot plate of tomato soup whilst craving a couple of crispy roast potatoes. Such little adjustments are part of the marriage game. Get used to it. There will be others.
The other tradition which is intriguing relates to the Swiss Army Knife. At a certain point in time in my wife’s family you are given a Swiss Army Knife. They are great things, highly treasured and immensely versatile. But it can get a bit stressful if you have forgotten it is in your hand luggage and some eagle-eyed official removes it and threatens to bin your precious possession as you are going through security at Edinburgh Airport. That’s the time you hastily run back to the paper shop, buy a padded envelope and post it home to yourself before just, just, just making your flight.
Swiss Army Knives are legendary. In the original range there is the Spartan, the Camper, the Hiker, the Huntsman, the Fisherman, the Explorer..............and others. Then there is the All Blacks, the Crystal Collection, the Executive Collection and others including the 125th Victorinox Soldier Heritage Knife – a replica of the original knife of 1891. They are an iconic brand and item. (No-one should be without one...except perhaps in Scotland where carrying a knife might get you arrested.)
Robbie Williams recently got married and said of his wife, ”She is my Swiss Army Knife.” She is obviously muti-purposeful and versatile. It is a great thing to find a good wife. The writer of the Book of Proverbs in the Bible says, ”A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life.” Perhaps a William’s translation would be “A good wife, who can find her? She is like a Swiss Army Knife, useful in all sorts of scrapes.”
Charm can be deceptive and beauty fleeting but good character is precious in both a husband and a wife, far beyond our mere usefulness, which is not unimportant. Learning to serve one another, looking for the best in each other, being considerate, giving daily compliments can enhance every relationship.
Now, I need someone to go up on the roof and straighten the satellite dish.........doh!.........where is my Swiss Army Knife when I need her!

Sat-Nav Therapy For Couples

We had visitors recently, whom we had not seen for years. They were Germans and doing a driving tour of Scotland. And they arrived exactly at our door first time, no wrong turns. It’s the SatNav which is the saviour!
It’s the holiday season and many of us have been away, sometimes driving long distances to our chosen destination, minus a SatNav but equipped with a good old fashioned map, on our partner’s lap. I wonder how many arguments accompanied us as we squabbled over the right or wrong directions, especially when abroad.
A new survey has confirmed what most of us knew already - getting lost while driving causes more family motoring rows than any other trigger. Almost two-thirds of those questioned said that disagreements had flared up as a result of their partner's poor navigation, with 80 percent of women complaining that their partners never bothered to check the route before setting off, compared to 65 percent of men who made the same complaint. More than 85 percent claimed that they argued because the driver refused to ask for directions in time.
The next biggest cause of motoring rows was on-going family squabbles continuing in the car after leaving home, according to a survey by Halfords. The third major cause of in-car arguments was children complaining that the trip was taking too long, followed in fourth place by the way in which the driver was driving the car.
Other causes of friction included the thoughtless actions of other road-users, road conditions including traffic jams - and choice of music. Nearly seven in 10 of 2,200 people surveyed admitted that they quarrelled in the car at least once a month, while nearly one in five said they argued at least once a week.
"Whilst we have no plans to extend our services into marriage guidance, we can offer a solution to the most frequent causes of in-car rows," said Paul McClenaghan, Halfords Commercial Director. "With our range of sat-nav systems, arguments about dreadful directions and terrible map-reading could become a thing of the past."

Marriage Pit-Stop

Rob Parsons writes... When my son Lloyd was young, he’d love to watch motor-racing on television. It was one of the few occasions when Dianne and I could relax, safe in the knowledge that he would stay out of trouble at least until the end of the race! The only part he found at all frustrating was the pit stop. Why any racing driver should want to stop to get things checked over when everything’s going well was beyond him.

It’s like that for us ordinary motorists. The annoying thing about putting a car in for a service is that often it doesn’t seem to need it. It starts first time, it drives well – yet hours spent on the hard shoulder waiting for the break-down van to come have convinced me that the pit-stop principle is a sound one. It says: when things are good, take time out to check, renew, and get ready for…whatever!

This summer, thousands of couples will get married. They will declare their love and commitment to each other – many still choosing to say those ancient vows: ‘For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.’ There are so many positives in marriage, but, inescapably, every couple will undergo trauma of some kind or another during their relationship.

It’s wise not to presume that good times will be without interruption. That doesn’t mean being pessimistic – waking every morning and saying: ‘I bet the wheels fall off today’. It’s just that it’s good to live realistically.

Now and again, difficult times can creep up slowly from behind. They don’t suddenly hit you the moment before you read the note stuck to the fridge saying, ‘I can’t take this anymore – I’m going to my mother’s.’ It’s for that reason we need to take time out to check things over – even when we’re racing around the track at 110 mph and everything seems fine.

I always encourage couples who are getting married to make a commitment to take a regular, in-depth look at their relationship. This doesn’t replace the ordinary, everyday talks – or even rows! They are times – perhaps three or four a year – to set aside an evening or weekend simply to talk about us. It’s an opportunity to discuss, listen, and give each other the right to raise any issue. When couples manage to have these ‘pit stops’ regularly, they usually find it’s easier to raise issues without either party feeling threatened.

Those pit stops may hold some surprises. They may show that a fantastic father or mother needs to be a good husband or wife as well. They may reveal that one of the partners is beginning to feel ’part of the furniture’. And a couple may realize that unless they put an end to those sarcastic comments, the hurt caused will result in them drifting further and further apart.

The wedding ceremony is almost over. Let’s listen in: ‘Will you take this man …this woman…’ I’d love to ask also, ‘Will you take these wedding vows so seriously that you’ll put aside time to specifically reflect on your relationship?’ ‘Will you build up stores in the good years, to take you through the lean times?’ ‘And will you work at being not just lovers, but friends?’

For all those who are getting married this summer, may they know love for a lifetime. And for us, also, let’s not take anything for granted, but make time for those regular pit stops that will help keep our love for each other on track.

* Don’t assume you will never go through difficult times
* Realise how quickly – and even silently – hurts can build up
* Don’t let other pressures squeeze out those pit stop checks
* Be gentle. Let’s listen more than we talk – remember that winning the argument is not as important as it first appears.

Rob Parsons writes for Care For The Family. More of their excellent resources can be found on-line at www.careforthefamily.org.uk