Flying By The Seat of Your Pants.

I said,” Can I give you an invitation to a short evening course on preparing for life beyond the Wedding day?” She said, “Oh.....ah.....eh.....well, actually this is my second time at it, so if you don’t mind, this time round I think I will just fly by the seat of my pants!” I said, “Well, I hope you are wearing good pants!”
Flying by the seat of your pants was a dangerous venture, the activity of World War One pilots whose early navigation systems often failed, leaving them to fly by the vibrations of the plane, experienced through their pants.
Couples who succeed in their relationship are the ones who intentionally invest time in learning what makes for success and who look after their relationship, making time for each other in the midst of parenting, work and other commitments.
This is especially important when entering a second marriage. We can carry negative baggage with us from our previous experience and assume, new start, better start, without ever having worked through as an individual or a new couple some of the issues which contributed to our past failure. Negatives patterns of behaviour reappear and repeat themselves, sadly. This is, truly, flying by the seat of your pants, so it is not surprising that the failure rate of second marriages can be as high as 80%.
The short courses and resources available through “X Plus Y” are designed to point couples in the right direction and equip them for their future together. Relationships don’t need to come crashing to the ground.

24/7

I like language and words. My learning style would primarily be wordy, bookish rather than pictorial or visual. Words and phrases fascinate me. Words like “spaltering”, “discombobulate” and place-names like “Broughmore”, “Culfeitrin”, “Achnasheen” and “Latherin’ Wheel”– they have mystery, music and story in them.
But there are words and phrases which grind with me these days: “Toxic Assets” for example. Or, “ I hear what you say”- which basically means I hear you but will be ignoring your views. From my youth I used to hate the phrase, “Game cancelled” which usually appeared on the school PE notice board at 3.30pm on a Friday afternoon and meant I had no game on Saturday and would be obliged to turn up to my Saturday job at the local butchers. Even worse was the phrase, “Go behind the goals for ten minutes” which meant I was yellow carded for some crime or misdemeanour!
24/7 is fairly near the top of my list of undesirables. It smacks of all day, every day living with no lights out. A world of incessant activity, work and altered bio-rythyms which can cause chaos. A world we seem to be caught up in, for the need to find employment can necessarily mean shift work for some of us.
The down side is that as couples our time with each other and our children can take on strange dimensions. In some counselling situations it is very difficult to see both parties together because of shift lives. Not only do we have the rise of shift-couples but shift-parenting. (Parenting is of course the original 24/7 activity!) Anti-social work patterns can play havoc with family life. In the 24/7 shift-work culture, time that parents have as a couple has been the main casualty, since parents tend to give priority to time with their children and the family as a whole.
It behoves us in the 24/7 context to work very diligently to keep our relationship with our partner as a top priority. Make time, find time, plan time for one another away from the parenting responsibilities. Rediscover the pleasure of each other’s uninterrupted company.
Finally I would like to apologise for using the odious “24/7” so often in this piece.

Buying Flowers.

It was a most amusing incident. I had gone into a shop to buy flowers for a family funeral. While I was there I unexpectedly met someone I had not seen for some time. Her immediate comment to me as I stood there with the flowers was, “Oh, what have you done?” humourously suggesting I was on a peace mission. And so we chatted and moved on.
As I left the shop, flowers in hand, I met another person I had not seen for awhile and she looked at me and said, “Oh someone is in for a treat!” humouroulsy suggesting I was intending to surprise my wife. This all made me laugh later, for one had thought the worst and the other had thought the best.
When things are out of kilter in a relationship we can get into a mindset of distrust. We think the worst of the other person and are suspicious. It might be rooted in how we were treated in the past by others such as our parents or a teacher and so we have developed a bad habit in our present relationship. We misinterpret situations. Thinking the worst can put us on the defensive when there is absolutely no need for it. The best way to deal with it is to ask questions. Talk about whatever is happening. Clarify.
“Asking questions doesn’t stop me from thinking the worst but it does make me more likely to check out whether or not my thoughts are justified.” says Harry Benson
Love always thinks the best. Always hopes. Always perseveres.

You can read about Good Habits. Bad Habits in “Letssticktogether” by Harry Benson.
Publ. Lion 2010

Robbie & Gaz

It has been big news over the last months that Robbie Williams is back in “Take That.” Recently on a BBC entertainment site there was an interview by Chris Moyles. Gary Barlow and Robbie Williams were talking about the reunion.
Robbie Williams did most of the talking. Referring to nasty things said in the past and their recent get together he said they sat down in a room at one point and simply talked things over and “Said sorry and meant it.” The words he then used to describe the emotional impact of apologising and saying sorry were, “exciting,” “liberating.” It was he said, “like a big load being lifted off my shoulders” and the beginning of a magical 18 months in which they have worked together well again. “It’s nice being able to be grown ups and say sorry and mean it,” he concluded.
Apologising and saying sorry in a relationship are absolutely crucial. No relationship can survive without it and often it is about saying sorry for small hurtful things said or done. Of course, there will be those who need to apologise over bigger issues.
What “excitement and liberation” might attend your relationship if you took the first step and said sorry for specific words and actions which have grieved your partner and under-mined your relationship! You too may experience the “load off your shoulders” and the return of “magical moments” together. And with apologising, it is not a one off. It needs to be on-going.
Trouble is, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” said Elton John. But then again, it is nice being able to be grown up and say sorry and mean it.

Molatov Cocktail

Many years ago I lived in a flat with paper walls. Unfortunately, I could hear a lot. A young couple, newly married and active. But it was the activity of domestic abuse. By all accounts a nice young couple. But underneath?

Through these walls
The sounds of rushing
From room to room
Muffled shouts
Banging doors
Temper
And female sobbing.

Then silence.

Later
As usual on one of these nights
The sounds of sex.

I meet the man
Unexpectedly the next day
Behind his desk
At the JobCentre Plus

Advising me
Of ways to improve my life.


What we see in front of us can be deceiving. Marriages can be deceptive. On the face of it all can seem well whilst underneath there can be real issues, though not always as serious as this couple. A marriage might look to everyone else as if it is in summer. But behind closed doors it could just as well be in autumn or deepest winter. Often when a marriage splits, friends say they had no inkling whatsoever that anything was wrong. They never saw it coming.

“When we think of relationship counselling” says Paul Tournier, “We think immediately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples who frequently come to violent blows. But there are many others which deserve our attention and care because their marriage or relationship is no less a failure. They live side by side, without hurting one another but poles apart because of no real understanding of one another.”

Research suggests that people can wait up to 6 years before going for help when things are under strain. Perhaps it’s denial. Or a fear of acknowledging failure. Maybe it’s a case of not knowing where to go or what is available. Sometimes only one partner is willing, usually but not always the woman. For others their relationship can be in the late stages of autumn or already in winter and they may think there is no way out of the freeze. In some cases it may simply be fear that stops couples from getting help, support, counsel.

It’s never too late. Relationships can move from winter back into spring though the road may be hard. Obviously, the sooner help is sought in any situation the better. If things are not going well behind closed doors, make that call, set up that appointment. Don’t let it drift or hope it will mend itself if you buy a house together, decide to have a child as a way of bolstering things or redecorate the lounge and move the furniture around.

If you are married and merely existing together, yet without hurting one another, in a relationship in which you are emotionally poles apart, make it a priority to spend more time together. Begin with 10-15 minutes a night just sitting talking and listening. And do again some of the enjoyable things you did together in the early days. Date one another. Rediscover the pleasure of presence and good conversation. Rekindle the delight of the early days.

If you are struggling and need to talk to someone, please get in touch: info@xplusy.co.uk

Down Under - A Step In The Right Direction?

National Marriage Coalition of Australia declares breakthrough as Coalition announces marriage education voucher plan On 12th August 2010, at the annual National Marriage Day celebration dinner held in Sydney, The Shadow Minister for Families, Kevin Andrews, announced a new policy to support and strengthen Australian marriages reports SmartMarriages.
The Coalition Government, if elected, will provide a $200 marriage education voucher for those couples wanting to be better prepared for marriage. Gerard Calilhanna, a spokesman for the National Marriage Coalition said, “This is a major breakthrough for marriage. We have been waiting for this for a long time.
The Marriage Manifesto, which was released to both the Labor and Coalition governments in 2007 at the National Strategic Summit on Marriage, Family and Fatherhood on 18 September 2007, says (Point 8, page 8), “Support Marriage and parenting education programs considering marriage or seeking to improve their family relationships by: introduce a $200 voucher system for marriage preparation courses available to all couples planning to marry.” These policy proposals are now coming to pass.”
Mary-Louise Fowler said, “This is the best news for marriage we have heard from any government since the confirmation of marriage as being between a man and a woman through the marriage amendment act in 2004. We call upon the Labor Government to support this important initiative on a bi-partisan basis as they did in 2004 because we need to promote a renewed culture of marriage within our nation for the common good of all.”
Dr. Allan Carlson Convenor of the World Congress of the Family, who addressed the capacity crowd at the York Conference Centre said, “Thousands of recent research projects in the fields of sociology, psychology, anthropology, and medicine all testify to one truth: children predictably do best when they are born into a married-couple home and raised by their two natural parents.”

Tomato Soup, Roast Potatoes & Swiss Army Knives

Families are all different. And each has its own traditions. Sometimes you only discover these once you are married. For example – tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch! I’m sorry, run that past me again dear. “We always have tomato soup as part of Christmas lunch.” “But we never have tomato soup at Christmas time and................ where are the roast potatoes?” “Oh we never have roast potatoes at Christmas.” It’s a bit of a shock as you have to make an immediate cultural adjustment right there in front of the extended family with a steaming hot plate of tomato soup whilst craving a couple of crispy roast potatoes. Such little adjustments are part of the marriage game. Get used to it. There will be others.
The other tradition which is intriguing relates to the Swiss Army Knife. At a certain point in time in my wife’s family you are given a Swiss Army Knife. They are great things, highly treasured and immensely versatile. But it can get a bit stressful if you have forgotten it is in your hand luggage and some eagle-eyed official removes it and threatens to bin your precious possession as you are going through security at Edinburgh Airport. That’s the time you hastily run back to the paper shop, buy a padded envelope and post it home to yourself before just, just, just making your flight.
Swiss Army Knives are legendary. In the original range there is the Spartan, the Camper, the Hiker, the Huntsman, the Fisherman, the Explorer..............and others. Then there is the All Blacks, the Crystal Collection, the Executive Collection and others including the 125th Victorinox Soldier Heritage Knife – a replica of the original knife of 1891. They are an iconic brand and item. (No-one should be without one...except perhaps in Scotland where carrying a knife might get you arrested.)
Robbie Williams recently got married and said of his wife, ”She is my Swiss Army Knife.” She is obviously muti-purposeful and versatile. It is a great thing to find a good wife. The writer of the Book of Proverbs in the Bible says, ”A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm all the days of her life.” Perhaps a William’s translation would be “A good wife, who can find her? She is like a Swiss Army Knife, useful in all sorts of scrapes.”
Charm can be deceptive and beauty fleeting but good character is precious in both a husband and a wife, far beyond our mere usefulness, which is not unimportant. Learning to serve one another, looking for the best in each other, being considerate, giving daily compliments can enhance every relationship.
Now, I need someone to go up on the roof and straighten the satellite dish.........doh!.........where is my Swiss Army Knife when I need her!