Eat. Talk. Play.

For Marriage Week 2011 (Feb 7-14) the challenge to couples is to Eat, Talk and Play together!

Eat.
In our busy lives today, all too often we don’t make time for the most basic of social functions – eating together! So this Marriage Week, why not make the time to sit down together and share a meal for two?? If you can make the time, why not share the preparation – and the clearing up! If you haven’t got time to cook, how about a take-away, or a romantic meal at a local restaurant. Take time to savour the sights, smells and flavours of a great meal together.


Talk
What does your daily communication as a couple consist of? Organising the family and home, questions about the kids, what needs to go on the shopping list? Or perhaps some of the big decisions of life – whether to move house, what new car to buy, your health or ailments? When was the last time you sat down and just talked about “you” – the challenges of life, what’s motivating you, what’s dragging you down, how it feels to be you – or perhaps your hopes and dreams for your future together? Make some time this week to sit down together just to “talk”!


Play
When we first fall in love life always seems to be full of fun – but as the years go by, sometimes we forget to play together! This week, why not make some time to do something together you both enjoy. It could be as simple as going for a walk, watching a movie together, or spending an evening in your local pub. Or of course you could do something adventurous – go para-gliding or bungee jumping! Or perhaps, you could just curl up together in front of a fire, and read stories to each other. Whatever it is, try and find something you can both take part in, and which will remind you of the fun times in your relationship!

For more ideas and resources visit:: www.marriage-week.org.uk

All That Matters Is How We Love.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.

It does not envy,
It does not boast.

It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil.
It rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.

(First Letter to the Church at Corinth.
Written by St Paul.
The Bible)

Listening At Christmas Time.

When two people are talking at the same time, no one is listening. Consequently, there is no communication. For conversation to be meaningful it requires talking and listening. How hard can that be? Yet, 87 % of those who divorce say their main problem was that they could not communicate. Everybody Wins


Listening begins with an attitude. If I choose to believe that every person I encounter is made in God's image; that their thoughts and feelings are important, then I am prepared to listen. If I think that the world revolves around me; that my ideas are all that counts, then why should I listen to anyone else? Many couples don't have a communication problem, they have an attitude problem.


If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen. Listening leads to understanding. Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response. When I speak before I listen, I'm simply throwing words into the wind.


May I give you a practical suggestion for this Christmas week?


When your spouse begins talking, about anything, imagine yourself having huge elephant ears. Have you heard the expression, "I'm all ears"? That's what I'm talking about. Don't think about how you are going to respond. Focus on making sure you understand the thoughts and feelings of your spouse. Then, when it's your turn to talk, your spouse can put on the elephant ears.

Dr Gary Chapman.

Footloose At 50

People over 50 are not staid and settled but are in fact among the most promiscuous of the population, according to a recent survey. The rising statistics revealed a quarter of this age group cheat on their partner, while one in six said they never used contraception with a new lover.

The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.

Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)

Amnesia

My wife is constantly amazed by me. What she finds most remarkable(or is it frustrating?) is that I can remember the most trivial of information – especially about sport or films from years ago – but I somehow have difficulty remembering who came to Sunday lunch two weeks ago!

Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.

In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:

Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.

Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.

When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.

Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.

In The Days Before Harry Potter.............

In the days before Harry Potter, I wonder how many of us had heard the name “Hermione?” My first introduction to Hermione was in school. She was 4ft 0”, bow-legged, had a high pitched voice and trailed a small black and brown Dacshound along on a lead. She was my tennis coach, having been taught herself by the legendary Dan Maskill. These were the days of two rackets, wooden, with gut and superlastic strings – one for dry and one for wet weather. No one played two handed, grunted or wore anything other than white. Then along came the two-handed Chris Evert and metal rackets wielded by Jimmy Connors. The local club house was Wimbledon green.

Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.

“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)

The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.

Fan Of John Wayne?

Are you a John Wayne fan? Yes? No! He’s ok sometimes? Well, one of his films was the stereotypical West of Ireland story, “The Quiet Man” in which he was chasing the red-haired Maureen O Hara to become his wife. They were both humourously subjected to “very strict guidelines” by the local match-maker as to what was appropriate behaviour during the courtship. It was all very quaint and he got the girl in the end.

In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.

As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.

“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.

Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.