A Timely Lesson From the Thenardiers.

 

My children love the songs and the story. And having seen it on stage and screen 'Les Miserables' is one of my favourites. Is there a bad song in it? Though I have to say, the stage perfomance has better singing whilst the film has better acting principally because you are closer to the characters and see every nuance.

So when an old two volume copy of the story arrived in our house I felt inspired to buck the trend and read the actual story by Victor Hogo. (Publ. 1862) It is definitely no sprint! Beautifully written, sometimes dense yet often compelling. I was struck by the section describing the Thenardier marriage.

Particularly, the description of the wife's attitude to her husband. Of Mrs Thenardier, who is described as ' a mountain of noise and flesh moving under the little finger of the frail despot', (her husband) it is said, "The husband was to his wife, though she did not know it, a species of peculiar and sovreign being ( Master of the House!). However much she might dissent from 'Monsieur Thenardier' she would never have proved him publicly in the wrong for any consideration. She would never have commited 'in the presence of strangers' that fault which wives so often commit, and which is called in parliamentary language 'exposing the crown'.

In modern parlance I think he means slander, put downs, public criticism. A habit most definitley not confined to women! Putting your partner down privately or publicly is devestating to any relationship. This is where one partner treats the others ideas, insights and suggestions with disrespect, disdain and at the extreme end of things, contempt. Contempt is sulphuric acid on a relaltionship.

Sometimes put downs come with humour, little jokes and barbed comments which make others laugh when you are out in company. It makes you feel great about your humour and yourself, others may laugh and think you are the heart and soul of things, while your partner quietly cringes and tries to laugh it off but is inwardly crushed. Words have the power to wound or heal.

Mrs Tenardier probably would not dare to speak thus against her 'frail despot' of a husband, out of fear. Fear is not how it should be. Respect and appreciation should be the dominating attitudes in a relationship. We need to be very careful with words and humour.

How much better if we sought for ways and opportunities to build each other up privately and praise one another in the presence of others.

Prijateljstvo - Delivering A Marriage Seminar in Montenegro.

 



This last week I had the experience of delivering a Marriage Enrichment evening in Bar, Montenegro. 'Love Well-Live Well' in Serpski, through an interpreter made for a very interesting and amusing evening.

Montengro is known for many things but hosting a Marriage Event may be one of the more unusual. In the local Sports Complex the same week they hosted European Women's YouthVolleyball Championship (won by Poland) and a high profile Boxing Event. But in the quieter surroundings of 'The Living Room,' 8 couples attended a Marriage seminar. The nationalities represented being German, Russian, Montenegran, American, French and Australian.

 

Here are some of the feedback comments:

 

"I hope to remember about the 4 Bad Habits and to avoid hurting."

 

"This has been a very useful evening. I heard a lot of things which I would never have thought about before."

 

"I enjoyed looking back and being reminded of the beginnings of our relationship and the great memories. It encouraged me to apprecaite these things and get motivated to create new ones."

 

"I hope this evening will help me to be less critical but instead to be more encouraging and to create a daily culture of appreciation."

 

"I hope from this evening I will learn to be a better listener and to love my wife the way she needs to be loved, to better understand how she needs to be loved."

 

"The best thing about tonight was thinking about the things that brought us together in the first place. Thinking and talking about these, in a way, brought us back to those days and we laughed together a lot tonight."

 

"Molim vas, napsite jednu recenicw Koja ce opisah kako se xi nodote dece ove vece wticah na vasw vesw"............ I take with me that we should talk from time to time about wonderful moments we had together."

 

"I hope that we will both learn to listen better to each other and to ask rather than assume."

 

"I will think about things in a different way, but I won't promise anything."

 

But perhaps the most surprising feedback came  from a Montenegran man who came on his own because his wife was working. For a man in the UK to come to a Marriage event on his own would be amazing, especially since many couples simply think they have nothing to learn and it is not a man-thing to do anyway. Fix  your car? Yes. Put up a fence? Yes. Do the Highland Cross? Yes. Attend a Marriage evening? Not likely, and this in a culture where we are awash with resources and course to help couples  live well together.

 

So, for a man to attend an evening in Montenegro where this kind of event is simply totally unknown, is amazing. He sat in the corner and being on his own could not really fully participate in the execrcises. As the presenter I felt a little uncomfortable and was not quite sure if I should go and speak to him at times. So I left him to it. And in the end had no idea what he thought of the evening but we shook hands as he left.

 

The next eveing, through his daughter as an interpreter he said to my wife, "I really enjoyed the marriage evening last night. Tell your husband he is a very clever man!" To which my wife made the appropriate reply............ in order to keep me humble. Isn't that the role of a wife after all?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Washing Your Spouse's Feet.

 

 

As we trooped into PE, inevitably the Teacher went round the class to check our kit and see if we were properly attired. Most of us were but one boy had come in his socks as he head forgotten his trainers or gym shoes as they were referred to back then. Not being allowed to participate in his socks he was take to take them off. What was revealed to the world were the dirtiest blackest feet I had ever seen. So memorable that I still recall them today. He was summarily dipatched to the changing rooms to scrape them clean.

In the Christian calender of Holy Week this is Maundy Thursday. Traditionally this is when Jesus is thought to have washed the feet of His disciples as they sat for a meal and in their pride, haste, thoughtlessness, lazyness or whatever, could not bring themselves to take the role of servant and wash the feet of those who had come to eat.

 

In the dim-lit Chapel, as a boy I would watch the Celebrant on this day, wash the feet of 12 men, one of them being 'Big Tom', the Teacher who used to regularly wrap my knuckles with a thick black pencil!

 

And today Pope Francis 1st is breaking with tradition and moving away from the Vatican to wash the feet of some young people in an offenders unit.

 

In a hot dusty climate, having clean feet, freshly washed is a great feeling. I will never forget the  stunningly refreshing impact of washing my feet in a fountain in Athens one very hot day. As for feet? They are not exactly the nicest of things, especially on grown men. It is one thing to wash a baby's feet but a full grown man who has been tramping around the streets? Jesus washed the feet of 12 men and one of them the most awkward of characters?

 

The text tells us,'The evening meal was being served............He got up from the meal, took off His outer clothing and wrapped a towel round His waist. After that He poured water into a basin and began to wash His disciples feet, drying them with the towel that was around His waist' (The Gospel of John Chapter 13)

 

It was a stratling moment. The Rabbi washing the feet of His own followers. The Rabbi taking the role of a servant. Then He added, 'I have set you and example that you should do as I have done for you.'

 

In a Marriage what matters often is not the big things but the sequence of  small acts of service which we render each other. Love is about looking out for the other person and their welfare. How can I love my partner today?  How might I wash my partner's feet today in a way which will bless them?

 

Sometimes those who lest deserve it are those who most need it. It could make all the difference to any relationship. As Jesus concluded, living like this is the way of blessing.

Marriage Preparation. What The Couples Said.

'Love Well - Live Well' is a 2 hour course for couples. It can be used as Mariage Preparation or as an evening for those already married.

It covers: Friendship, Communication, The 5 Love Languages, Bad Habits-Good Habits, Forgiveness.

The following are some comments gleaned from a recent evening held at Old High St Stephens in Inverness. As Marriage Preparation it complements the role and input of the Minister.

Why are you getting married?

The cohabiting couples said:

It's the next step in our relationship.

We want to cement our relationship and provide stability for our children.

We are at a more settled stage in our relationship  and are ready after 5 years to make a bigger commitment to each other.

Getting married is a progression in our relationship.


The non-cohabiting couples said:

Marriage will cement our love and desire to look after one another, provide mutual security and we will grow stronger together as a team.

Marriage will provide more security and unity.

It is a step of commitment. We will move in tioegether and this will make a big practical difference.

Getting married will make us stronger together.

How did you feel about coming on this evening?

I was nervous and fearful but now I feel reassured and motivated.

I was intrgued by the prospect of attending such an evening. And now I feel really excited and motivated.

 



Comments about the evening?

I really valued the opportunity of talking with my partner.

I have realised how important it is to verbalise how much I appreciate my partner. I often think these positive thoughts but keep them to myself.

This eveing really made me think about how structured time together as a couple is really important.

The section on Friendship & Communication was excellent.

We found the ideas of the 5 Love Languages really good.

Thank you for this evening. I was worried about coming. I shouldn't have been. I always felt comfortable in the sessions and I enjoyed speaking to my girl-friend on a personal level rather than discussing things with the whole group, which is how I thought it would have been. I would highly recommend this course.

 

 

Supermarket Music.

 

 

What can you say about Supermarket music except that once in a blue Moon - a very blue Moon - you might just come across a real memory jerker and even start quietly singing along as you compare the prices of tins of beans, try to tell the difference between a courgette and a cucumber and check there are no equine supplements in the sausages.

And so to this former American Olympic High Jump High Jump trialist with the classic Stylistics number. Ah the Stylistics with their 1970s falsetto voices, jewelry, awful suits and sychronised moves! What a memory jerker from my student days! But what on earth is Johhny wearing? Looks like he has been to a junk fashion workshop!

And yet, while he says he is sometimes bored hearing the sound of his own voice and therfore loves to sing duets, the one place where it gives him a kick to hear his songs is in the Supermarket beacuse he does his own cooking and shopping. Aye, ok Johnny. You and Bert Kaempfert?

 

But maybe this song is just what your partner needs to hear after years of being together, when all is well and routines are settled and everyone knows their role within the family home and you can take love, friendship and companionship for granted. Verbalise it, sing along karaoke style, have a wee slow dance around the kitchen in front of your children and let them and your partner know,  'I'm Stone In Love With You.'

Trust. Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Science now tells us that trust grows from how each of us treats our partners. In each situation when our needs compete with those of our partner’s, no matter how small or large, we each chose to act in our self-interest or in the interest of our partner. Trust springs from the choice to take care of our partner at our own expense.

For example, you come home after a stressful day and want to connect. But your partner had an equally hard day. You say, “Wow, what a hard day I’ve had.” By saying that, you make a bid for your partner’s attention and connection. Trust builds when your partner decides not to counter your bid, but instead, accepts your needs at his or her expense. You might hear “I did too, but tell me what happened in your day. You seem so stressed.” When this pattern happens over and over, each of you giving to the other at your own expense, trust builds.

Wise words in 'Psychology Today' from Kevin D. Arnold, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., the Director of the Center for Cognitive and Behavioral Therapy of Greater Columbus and a Clinical Faculty member in the Dept. of Psychiatry at OSU and based on the work of Dr.John Gottman who recently published 'The Science Of Trust.'

And yet I think I have heard this before in the quotation from the 2000 year old religious text called The Bible, where, in his letter to the Church at Philippi, Paul says to the congregation, in chapter 2 verses 1-11 'Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest but also to the inrterests of others.'

Such a selfless attitude could transform many a situation in marriage, home and work.  Great to know that Faith and Science complement each other and need not be foes.

History Can Be Healing.

I sometimes am a Radio 4 listener on a Monday morning. Good discussions. It beats the Radio Scotland phone-in or the much too energetic music stations! This morning on 'Start The Week', a discussion on History and its importance.

In the midst of the very good and balanced debate which lamented how many mistakes have been made in the past and how it can present a depressing vision of the future, there was the comment that history is also healing.

The analysis of certain recent conflicts like those in the Balkans can be simplistically defined as 'good guys v bad guys,' particularly from the American-Bush administration. Yet we forget that many cultures and religious groupings in those countries lived well together in the past. The present conflict skews our view of the past. History reminds us that people can learn to and often do live together well.

In couple relationships perspective is important. A period of disillusionment, monotony or enduring conflict can skew the way we view the past and how we imagine the future. Couples can develop amnesia, which is why history is important.

Remembering where you met, how you met, what attracted you to your partner in the first place, how you decided to get married, the Wedding day, good times and experiences you enjoyed together over the years and especially the recent past can help you to realise that you do like and indeed still love the person you are with. Remembering and sharing together the history of your relationship can spark into a fire that flickering flame which is struggling.

And even if you are not in a period of difficulty and are enjoying spring and summer in your marriage, it is worth sharing such memories because you can take for granted the one you love and the relationship you have. Sharing together like this can remind you afresh how much your marriage still means to you.

History can be healing.