When two people are talking at the same time, no one is listening. Consequently, there is no communication. For conversation to be meaningful it requires talking and listening. How hard can that be? Yet, 87 % of those who divorce say their main problem was that they could not communicate. Everybody Wins
Listening begins with an attitude. If I choose to believe that every person I encounter is made in God's image; that their thoughts and feelings are important, then I am prepared to listen. If I think that the world revolves around me; that my ideas are all that counts, then why should I listen to anyone else? Many couples don't have a communication problem, they have an attitude problem.
If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen. Listening leads to understanding. Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response. When I speak before I listen, I'm simply throwing words into the wind.
May I give you a practical suggestion for this Christmas week?
When your spouse begins talking, about anything, imagine yourself having huge elephant ears. Have you heard the expression, "I'm all ears"? That's what I'm talking about. Don't think about how you are going to respond. Focus on making sure you understand the thoughts and feelings of your spouse. Then, when it's your turn to talk, your spouse can put on the elephant ears.
Dr Gary Chapman.
Friday, 24 December 2010
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Footloose At 50
People over 50 are not staid and settled but are in fact among the most promiscuous of the population, according to a recent survey. The rising statistics revealed a quarter of this age group cheat on their partner, while one in six said they never used contraception with a new lover.
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
The poll, from the Co-operative Pharmacy also found a third admitted they had 'slept around' and admitted to unprotected one night stands with strangers. The main reason people gave for not using contraception was that they 'get carried away in the moment'. This is despite the fact that the number of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in the over 50s is soaring across the UK.
Natika Halil, director of information at the Family Planning Association (FPA), said: 'The message is the same for teenagers as well as people in their 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s - don't take a risk with your sexual health over the festive period. There is only one protection against most STIs - wearing a condom.” (Perhaps not sleeping around at all would be a good idea too...!)
Monday, 6 December 2010
Amnesia
My wife is constantly amazed by me. What she finds most remarkable(or is it frustrating?) is that I can remember the most trivial of information – especially about sport or films from years ago – but I somehow have difficulty remembering who came to Sunday lunch two weeks ago!
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
Amnesia is a serious matter in relationships. It tends to occur when things are going wrong between couples. We become locked into a negative mind-set which is pre-occupied with the present crisis. We tend to think that the stage we are in is where we will always be. We find it hard to imagine, or visualise, as the sports coach would say, that things can be different. In such a time we are apt to forget that once we were in love, enjoyed walking, talking and engaging in a host of other pleasant experiences which persuaded us that this person is the right one for us.
In relationships there are some simple steps which can be helpful. Here are two:
Take a sheet of paper. Write down all the positive characteristics which first attracted you to your partner. Remind yourselves of the good in each other. If your partner is unwilling to do this, write them a letter of appreciation. If what Mark Twain said is true,”I can live for two months on a good compliment,” then such words of affirmation and appreciation could have a remarkable effect on your partner.
Secondly, write down all the things you did together in the early years of your relationship, which you really enjoyed. Share them with each other and talk about the memories. Then intentionally diary some of them in and go and do them. Rediscover the places and pleasures together. If your partner is not interested in this, then write a letter to them outlining these memories and make a request that you would like to revisit some of the experiences.
When things are not good, we can end up thinking the worst all the time and forgetting where we have come from.
Think the best. Love always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres.
Tuesday, 16 November 2010
In The Days Before Harry Potter.............
In the days before Harry Potter, I wonder how many of us had heard the name “Hermione?” My first introduction to Hermione was in school. She was 4ft 0”, bow-legged, had a high pitched voice and trailed a small black and brown Dacshound along on a lead. She was my tennis coach, having been taught herself by the legendary Dan Maskill. These were the days of two rackets, wooden, with gut and superlastic strings – one for dry and one for wet weather. No one played two handed, grunted or wore anything other than white. Then along came the two-handed Chris Evert and metal rackets wielded by Jimmy Connors. The local club house was Wimbledon green.
Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)
The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.
Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.
“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)
The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Fan Of John Wayne?
Are you a John Wayne fan? Yes? No! He’s ok sometimes? Well, one of his films was the stereotypical West of Ireland story, “The Quiet Man” in which he was chasing the red-haired Maureen O Hara to become his wife. They were both humourously subjected to “very strict guidelines” by the local match-maker as to what was appropriate behaviour during the courtship. It was all very quaint and he got the girl in the end.
In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.
As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.
“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.
Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.
In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.
As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.
“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.
Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.
Friday, 29 October 2010
Signs Of Autumn.
The un-mistakable signs of autumn are here. Leaves all over the garden. Sharp sunlight through beautiful trees. Pleasure driving up the A9, would you believe it! Drains and guttering blocked with dead foliage. Winnie The Pooh being blown up in the air with Piglet. A nip in the air when you are on your bike. Blustery wind and leaves scurrying along the streets like rioters running higgledy piggledy from the Police. The debate yet again about GMT or Central European time. It is a beautiful season.
In his book, “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” Gary Chapman identifies the autumn season in a marriage as anything other than beautiful. Externally all can seem ok to on-lookers but inside the marriage things are changing. Characteristics of a marriage in autumn are fear, sadness, uncertainty, emotional depletion. The underlying assumption has been that in the daily life of the home the marriage will take care of itself. However, neglect of the couple relationship is the number one factor leading to autumn; a progressive distancing (not necessarily deliberately) from one another as they pursue the routines of life and our own personal interests. Drifting apart. Add to this, a failure to deal with and resolve issues and the move into winter may be inevitable. But it need not be as inevitable as it is with nature for we have the power to affect change.
Two simple steps can be taken as a first move back to spring or summer. Firstly,Listening. “Few things are more important in moving a marriage from autumn or winter back into spring or summer than the awesome power of empathetic listening.” Make time and take the time to talk and listen, without judging, advice giving, criticism. Listen in order to understand and appreciate. Reconnect with each other beyond surface level. The gift of good listening is therapeutic and healing and bestows value and worth on the other person.
Secondly,Serving. Focus on the needs of your spouse before yourself. 3 questions for your spouse. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband or wife?
It is evitable that the Scottish winter is coming, we cannot stop it and hopefully we will have enough grit this year! But winter need not come in our relationships.
Recommended: “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. Publ. Tyndale House.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Saga Divorce.
The children have flown the nest and, as thoughts turn to retirement, the years ahead should be an opportunity to enjoy life as a couple. But it appears the baby boom generation are filing for divorce.
Many over-50s ending their ¬marriages blame a lack of love and intimacy in their relationship, according to a survey. Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. The research also found that 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.
The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was emotionally cold. Unsurprisingly, nagging also scored highly, featuring in 14 per cent of answers given by 1,900 divorcees aged 50 and over. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they had simply run out of things to talk about.
Figures from the Office for National Statistics revealed that divorce among the over-50s peaked in 2004 at around 25,000-a-year before a slight fall to the current annual rate of 22,000. Known as the ‘Saga divorce’, experts believe many couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their futures when their offspring fly the nest.
The survey found that money was also one of the reasons given in over-50s divorce cases, with 9 per cent of those quizzed complaining that their partner failed to contribute enough financially to the relationship and 8 per cent saying their other half spent too much money. Work also caused problems, with 8 per cent blaming a job that made life difficult and 5 per cent unhappy that their partner flirted with friends or colleagues. A significant number of couples cited family issues, with 5 per cent saying they had waited for their children to move out before separating. For 4 per cent it was parents or parents-in-law who made things difficult.
The survey was carried out by Saga Legal Services, which specialises in products for the over-50s.
Many over-50s ending their ¬marriages blame a lack of love and intimacy in their relationship, according to a survey. Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. The research also found that 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.
The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was emotionally cold. Unsurprisingly, nagging also scored highly, featuring in 14 per cent of answers given by 1,900 divorcees aged 50 and over. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they had simply run out of things to talk about.
Figures from the Office for National Statistics revealed that divorce among the over-50s peaked in 2004 at around 25,000-a-year before a slight fall to the current annual rate of 22,000. Known as the ‘Saga divorce’, experts believe many couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their futures when their offspring fly the nest.
The survey found that money was also one of the reasons given in over-50s divorce cases, with 9 per cent of those quizzed complaining that their partner failed to contribute enough financially to the relationship and 8 per cent saying their other half spent too much money. Work also caused problems, with 8 per cent blaming a job that made life difficult and 5 per cent unhappy that their partner flirted with friends or colleagues. A significant number of couples cited family issues, with 5 per cent saying they had waited for their children to move out before separating. For 4 per cent it was parents or parents-in-law who made things difficult.
The survey was carried out by Saga Legal Services, which specialises in products for the over-50s.
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