The un-mistakable signs of autumn are here. Leaves all over the garden. Sharp sunlight through beautiful trees. Pleasure driving up the A9, would you believe it! Drains and guttering blocked with dead foliage. Winnie The Pooh being blown up in the air with Piglet. A nip in the air when you are on your bike. Blustery wind and leaves scurrying along the streets like rioters running higgledy piggledy from the Police. The debate yet again about GMT or Central European time. It is a beautiful season.
In his book, “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” Gary Chapman identifies the autumn season in a marriage as anything other than beautiful. Externally all can seem ok to on-lookers but inside the marriage things are changing. Characteristics of a marriage in autumn are fear, sadness, uncertainty, emotional depletion. The underlying assumption has been that in the daily life of the home the marriage will take care of itself. However, neglect of the couple relationship is the number one factor leading to autumn; a progressive distancing (not necessarily deliberately) from one another as they pursue the routines of life and our own personal interests. Drifting apart. Add to this, a failure to deal with and resolve issues and the move into winter may be inevitable. But it need not be as inevitable as it is with nature for we have the power to affect change.
Two simple steps can be taken as a first move back to spring or summer. Firstly,Listening. “Few things are more important in moving a marriage from autumn or winter back into spring or summer than the awesome power of empathetic listening.” Make time and take the time to talk and listen, without judging, advice giving, criticism. Listen in order to understand and appreciate. Reconnect with each other beyond surface level. The gift of good listening is therapeutic and healing and bestows value and worth on the other person.
Secondly,Serving. Focus on the needs of your spouse before yourself. 3 questions for your spouse. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband or wife?
It is evitable that the Scottish winter is coming, we cannot stop it and hopefully we will have enough grit this year! But winter need not come in our relationships.
Recommended: “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. Publ. Tyndale House.
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