In The Days Before Harry Potter.............

In the days before Harry Potter, I wonder how many of us had heard the name “Hermione?” My first introduction to Hermione was in school. She was 4ft 0”, bow-legged, had a high pitched voice and trailed a small black and brown Dacshound along on a lead. She was my tennis coach, having been taught herself by the legendary Dan Maskill. These were the days of two rackets, wooden, with gut and superlastic strings – one for dry and one for wet weather. No one played two handed, grunted or wore anything other than white. Then along came the two-handed Chris Evert and metal rackets wielded by Jimmy Connors. The local club house was Wimbledon green.

Her other claim to fame was that she had been a jockey at Newmarket and was now teaching the local convent school girls how to handle horses. In her possession she had a pure silver cigarette case from India. In the years just before the Second War she had visited her sister in India and had been at the races. Unfortunately the ride of the Maharaja of Gwalior came in last and commenting on the reasons she was then promoted to the position of Jockey for his Highness! At the end of her short, successful stay she was taken into his treasure house and invited to chose anything at all which caught her eye. In her modesty she chose the cigarette case.

“By wisdom a house is built, and through knowledge and understanding it is established. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures,” says the ancient Biblical Proverb.
We can learn a huge amount from experience but not always, for sometimes we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Experience without truth can be dangerous. In relationships, as in many other walks of life, informed thinking is of inestimable value. Wisdom, knowledge, understanding beyond our own insight and experience can give perspective to our situation, light to our path, hope where perhaps we feel there is no hope, and bring rare and beautiful treasures to our marriage. One woman told me that she could remember, twenty five years on, some of the things she had been taught in marriage preparation classes. Decades later I can still remember the sound of Hermione shouting over the wall as I was playing, “Bend your knees on the low balls” (If only I could get to the ball these days...............!) I have not forgotten some of the basics even if the game has changed beyond recognition. (Watch Nadal assiduously change his grip on the backhand.)

The culture of marriage and relationships has changed almost beyond recognition. Wisdom, knowledge and insight from those who know is of crucial importance as we navigate our way in what can be a bewildering and pressurised world for couples and parents. Treat yourself to the store house. Log on to www.xplusy.co.uk and have a look at the books available. Buy one and read it as a couple. Treasures as small as a silver pocket-sized case can be enriching.

Fan Of John Wayne?

Are you a John Wayne fan? Yes? No! He’s ok sometimes? Well, one of his films was the stereotypical West of Ireland story, “The Quiet Man” in which he was chasing the red-haired Maureen O Hara to become his wife. They were both humourously subjected to “very strict guidelines” by the local match-maker as to what was appropriate behaviour during the courtship. It was all very quaint and he got the girl in the end.

In the last 25 years family life has changed considerably. The route into relationships and parenting has been turned on its head. For many people the pattern of their parents or grandparents relationship was the John Wayne sequence – walking out together, engagement, marriage, children. Today the common sequence of family formation is often, cohabitation, parenthood, marriage (if at all) and more recently, parenthood, cohabitation and maybe marriage. A growing number of families are experiencing what has been called, “Double Jeopardy” – coping with the transition to parenthood whilst coping with the transition to living as a couple, as cohabitation has become the preferred option of many.

As a result of these changes, families have become more fragile particularly in the early stages of parenthood. More than one in three cohabiting couples are breaking up before their child is five compared with fewer than one in eleven married couples. This is the landscape of relationships now. And there is an increasing recognition that supporting the couple relationship at the new parenting stage is crucial for the future well-being of the child.

“Letssticktogether” aims to do just that. A one hour course from "X Plus Y" for new parents, parents of small children and delivered by Colm to individual couples or small groups.

Get in touch. Give your relationship the best possible care and attention.

Signs Of Autumn.

The un-mistakable signs of autumn are here. Leaves all over the garden. Sharp sunlight through beautiful trees. Pleasure driving up the A9, would you believe it! Drains and guttering blocked with dead foliage. Winnie The Pooh being blown up in the air with Piglet. A nip in the air when you are on your bike. Blustery wind and leaves scurrying along the streets like rioters running higgledy piggledy from the Police. The debate yet again about GMT or Central European time. It is a beautiful season.

In his book, “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” Gary Chapman identifies the autumn season in a marriage as anything other than beautiful. Externally all can seem ok to on-lookers but inside the marriage things are changing. Characteristics of a marriage in autumn are fear, sadness, uncertainty, emotional depletion. The underlying assumption has been that in the daily life of the home the marriage will take care of itself. However, neglect of the couple relationship is the number one factor leading to autumn; a progressive distancing (not necessarily deliberately) from one another as they pursue the routines of life and our own personal interests. Drifting apart. Add to this, a failure to deal with and resolve issues and the move into winter may be inevitable. But it need not be as inevitable as it is with nature for we have the power to affect change.

Two simple steps can be taken as a first move back to spring or summer. Firstly,Listening. “Few things are more important in moving a marriage from autumn or winter back into spring or summer than the awesome power of empathetic listening.” Make time and take the time to talk and listen, without judging, advice giving, criticism. Listen in order to understand and appreciate. Reconnect with each other beyond surface level. The gift of good listening is therapeutic and healing and bestows value and worth on the other person.
Secondly,Serving. Focus on the needs of your spouse before yourself. 3 questions for your spouse. What can I do to help you? How can I make your life easier? How can I be a better husband or wife?

It is evitable that the Scottish winter is coming, we cannot stop it and hopefully we will have enough grit this year! But winter need not come in our relationships.

Recommended: “The Four Seasons Of Marriage” by Gary Chapman. Publ. Tyndale House.

Saga Divorce.

The children have flown the nest and, as thoughts turn to retirement, the years ahead should be an opportunity to enjoy life as a couple. But it appears the baby boom generation are filing for divorce.

Many over-50s ending their ¬marriages blame a lack of love and intimacy in their relationship, according to a survey. Figures show that 28 per cent said they divorced because their partner was emotionally cold and distant, while a quarter cited a loss of interest in sex. The research also found that 27 per cent said they were no longer committed to their marriage.

The main reason for men ending their marriage – cited in a third of cases – was a lack of interest in sex, while most women said their husband was emotionally cold. Unsurprisingly, nagging also scored highly, featuring in 14 per cent of answers given by 1,900 divorcees aged 50 and over. In 10 per cent of cases, couples said they had simply run out of things to talk about.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics revealed that divorce among the over-50s peaked in 2004 at around 25,000-a-year before a slight fall to the current annual rate of 22,000. Known as the ‘Saga divorce’, experts believe many couples who have stayed together for the sake of their children reassess their futures when their offspring fly the nest.

The survey found that money was also one of the reasons given in over-50s divorce cases, with 9 per cent of those quizzed complaining that their partner failed to contribute enough financially to the relationship and 8 per cent saying their other half spent too much money. Work also caused problems, with 8 per cent blaming a job that made life difficult and 5 per cent unhappy that their partner flirted with friends or colleagues. A significant number of couples cited family issues, with 5 per cent saying they had waited for their children to move out before separating. For 4 per cent it was parents or parents-in-law who made things difficult.

The survey was carried out by Saga Legal Services, which specialises in products for the over-50s.

Being At The Commonwealth Games.

So, the countdown has begun to 2014 and Glasgow. The end of the Delhi Games was as spectacular as the beginning with lots of great action in between. The last time the Games were in Scotland, I was there. Edinburgh 1986. I was on a placement from College in London and since I was staying in Musselburgh it was a short stop to Meadowbank Stadium for the Athletics.
I recall it well. Seeing one, Ben Johnson, run the 100 metres. Watching the Irish Hammer Thrower, Martin Girvan chuck 4 of his throws into the side netting but still manage to win the competition! (That’s talent!) But the real memory for me was the 10,000 metres. 26 laps.
When the race began it was not long before it became clear that there was a huge discrepancy of talent on show. A couple of runners were gradually becoming detached from the main race. Had it been me, I would have quietly stepped off the track and snuck away. But the two at the back ran manfully on together and kept each other company despite being lapped often. By the time they finished, all the other competitors were having their warm down and showers. It appeared to be embarrassing but when they finished the race they received a bigger cheer than the winner!

It has been said that the hardest part in a marriage is in the middle, when routines are set, habits are formed and we are completely familiar with most things about our partner. We can unwittingly stop making time for one another as we are “engrossed” in all the necessary duties and things to be done. We can take each other for granted. Before we know it we can quietly grow apart. And there may be other reasons – our career has peaked, there are elderly relatives to look after, children may be in the teenage years and in “outer space”, and there might be money issues. Maybe you are not getting on so well either anymore and rather than bale out, you thole it!

Deliberately making time for each other is crucial. If it has been absent then start, not with a huge big holiday where you are still living as strangers but with 10-15 minutes each day just listening and talking and then move on to short dates etc. and time away together. Rekindle the experience of being great company and great craic, as you were in your “walking out” days.
And if things are not going well remember, you committed to being a team, running together and not in opposition, when you made your vows. Help each other across the line as the two athletes did in Edinburgh even if the glory appeared to be somewhere else. Run together, encourage each other on the way.(And beware of confiding your woes to a third party, especially of the opposite sex. That’s a recipe for disaster.)

Mexico, 1968. Out of the cold darkness he came. John Stephen Akhwari of Tanzania entered at the far end of the stadium, pain hobbling his every step, his leg bloody and bandaged. The winner of the marathon had been declared over an hour earlier. Only a few spectators remained. But the lone runner pressed on. As he crossed the finish line, the small crowd roared out its appreciation. Afterward, a reporter asked the runner why he had not retired from the race, he answered:
"My country did not send me to Mexico City to start the race. They sent me to finish."

Finish together. Finish well. And leave your children the legacy of a good example, which they, most likely, will follow.

(Recommended Reading: “The 5 love Languages,” / “The 4 Seasons of Marriage” by Gary Chapman Publ. Northfield)

Weddings Are Easy. Marriages Are Difficult.

Last week on Radio Scotland there was a discussion about the debt people find themselves in, when it comes to paying for their wedding. At a recent Wedding Fayre, the idea of preparing for your marriage elicited laughter amongst some of the public who came to plan their wedding. Amongst others it was a complete novelty for them to meet someone actually interested in promoting preparatioin for life beyond the big day. In retrospect, being at a Wedding Fayre to promote Marriage preparation (the very place you think it would be worth being) is a complete waste of time and money.The prophetic words of Eugene Peterson, written in 1983 come to mind.

“When I talk with people who come to me in preparation for marriage I often say, Weddings are easy, marriages are difficult.” The couple want to plan a wedding, I want to plan a marriage. They want to know where the bridesmaids will stand, I want to develop a plan for forgiveness. They want to discuss the music of the wedding, I want to talk about the emotions of the marriage. I can do a wedding in twenty minutes with my eyes shut. But a marriage takes year after year if alert wide-eyed attention.
Weddings are important. They are beautiful, they are impressive, they are emotional. Sometimes they are expensive. We weep at weddings and laugh at weddings. We take care to be at the right place at the right time and say the right words. Where people stand is important. The way people dress is significant. Every detail, this flower, that candle, is memorable. All the same, weddings are easy.
But marriages are complex and difficult. In marriage we work out in every detail of life the promises and commitments spoken at the wedding. In marriage we develop the long and rich life of faithful love that the wedding announces. The event of the wedding without the life of the marriage doesn’t amount to much. It hardly matters if the man and the woman dress up in their wedding clothes and re-enact the ceremony every anniversary and say, “I’m married, I’m married, I’m married” if there is no daily love shared, if there is no continuing tenderness, no attentive listening, no inventive giving, no creative blessing.” (Eugene Peterson "The Quest" Used by permission.)

Fatherfile: Early Days

2nd day, second migraine- me that is! In hospital by 2.30pm. Both Hamish and his mum are asleep and having a good rest which is what they need. It seems very odd calling this child, Hamish. He is ours. That’s his name. I look at his little ears like small lettuces and the intricate joints on his fingers and am reminded of the words of Psalm 139 “fearfully and wonderfully made.”

The changing of the beds in the ward, some people leaving, others arriving. It prompts in me the same thoughts surrounding my dad’s funeral. Hamish’s birth and my dad’s passing, both very intense experiences and in a way all-consuming but then things move on and life moves on and you are no longer the focus, so to speak.

Cradling his head is like holding a warm coconut in your hand.
He is funny when he cries with his red face and toothless grin. I will recall this when I am 95 and crying with a toothless grin myself!
Today I saw two people in him – my dad and my dad’s brother.
What is really bugging me is that he is already getting more Christmas presents than me.
I awake thinking the pleasure will soon be over but it won’t for he is coming home with us. He is ours.

Not a good first night. He was up 4-5 times and we struggled a bit coping. How easy for a new child to cause strain between parents.
A friend came and gave us some help with the housework. What a blessing!

Another not very good night. Baby up from 1-4pm. It is frustrating not being able to calm his troublesome tummy – Colic. I feel guilty about feeling frustrated and wound up. Cradling him in my arms I go down stairs and watch Brazilian football on TV and let him cry himself out.

Santa came. Predictably Hamish got more than me.