On Friday we travelled under cover of darkness, and had a fun day
looking at porn together…. (well that got your attention)!! Now just before you
hit the delete key, let me explain that we were looking at the issue of
pornography, not porn itself and
we did so in a conference room with others!
And in one sense, that’s the point! One of the issues that struck me
was the interaction of secrecy and shame in the behaviour of those who
habitually use pornography to stimulate sexual desire (and often self
satisfaction). It is the secrecy, driven by a sense of shame and embarrassment,
that really gnaw away at the roots of trust needed to sustain a long term
relationship.
About 20% of all the forum posts on our message boards are from
people whose partners are using porn. Mostly, but not exclusively, they are from
women who feel devalued and highly insecure about the relationship as a result.
These women recognise that irrespective of the fact that the men may only have
been looking at the pictures, when (if) they make love, the images will be there
in the man’s head – there are at least three people in the bed at that moment,
and in general the man is focussed not on building and strengthening the bond
with his wife through giving her intense pleasure, but on satisfying his own
fantasies with the women in his head.
It is the secrecy that betrays trust – doing things in secret is the
opposite of the openness and vulnerability that a relationship needs to thrive.
And it is secretive because intuitively most people recognise that it a form of
infidelity.
One of the questions we now get couples to talk about as part of our
marriage preparation courses is “what constitutes infidelity”, and whilst the
lawyers may argue that it is only a physical act, most couples recognise that it
is something much deeper, and closer to home. The exact boundary may vary
(sending flirty texts, sending naked pictures, an illicit meeting even if just
for dinner, etc), but the fact is that each of us has a red line that hurts (a
lot) when our partner crosses it.
As in so many areas, the first steps for a couple are to talk about
both the boundaries, and how close to them they live – but it’s one thing to
agree with your fiancée that watching porn is a bridge too far, it’s quite
another to admit that actually you have been doing so, in many cases habitually,
for the past 15 or more years! And of course, you are apparently going to stop
miraculously as a result of making some promises to each other!
There is of course a continuum of porn use ranging from the
occasional dalliance, through regular but limited use and on to full addiction –
think of cigarette addiction as a parallel, the range from the occasional fag in
company through to the 60+ a day habit. What it will take to kick the habit will
vary – open accountability for occasional use, perhaps something like the 12
step AA programme for the mid-range user, through to proper psychological help
for the real addict (yes, porn can be a full scale addiction that needs
“re-wiring” the brain).
As long as we pretend this problem doesn’t exist, or that it’s too
shameful to talk about in public, then we will not be able to help couples find
their way out of the minefield. They need help to step out of the dark and into
the light.
So, who will you talk to about porn today??
Courtesy of Dave Percival www.2-in-2-1.co.uk
