“Till death us do part.” I wonder how many couples will say those words as they get married during the coming year? Even though the divorce statistics shout otherwise, on our wedding day, at least, most of us truly believe in the promise we make to each other of a permanent commitment.
I am sometimes asked what I believe is the greatest threat to marriages today. There could be many answers, but I’m sure that the idea that love is just a feeling must be one of the greatest. One of the most popular readings at wedding services is that incredible passage about love in the Bible:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
I like hearing that reading at a wedding, but I’ve often felt that it is lost on the couple because on that day they feel so in love. However those verses talk not just of the emotion of love, but its acts – the doing of love. What does it mean for you and me that 'love is kind', or that ‘it keeps no record of wrongs'? What can it mean that ’love is patient’, ‘not self-seeking' and ‘not easily angered'? And what can it possibly mean that 'love never fails'?
Sometimes it's hard to know where to start with this kind of commitment. Our heads and hearts are swimming with so many emotions. Some of us are, right now, experiencing difficult times. But if we want to save our love, or find again a love that we feel we may have lost, then we have to begin down that road. And such a beginning cannot just be in the mind or even the heart. If things are to change, something must happen. It could be very small – a touch or an expression of appreciation instead of the expected criticism. Or perhaps it could be something larger like an acknowledgement that things are difficult between us at the moment, but that we have a commitment to work on our marriage together.
That beginning is vital. Whether it's a father determined to spend more time with his family, or a wife resolving to help her husband articulate all that he is bottling up inside, we have to begin. It will normally involve us in a battle on at least two fronts. Firstly, because such times will often be when the feeling of love is low, they will only happen by an act of the will. If we wait until we feel like taking that first step, we'll normally wait a long time. Secondly, such action will inevitably involve us in a battle with that great enemy, time. It would be easier to deal with problems of relationships if we could do so in a vacuum. But we can't do that. We have to tackle them in the real world, where children have dental appointments, and the car breaks down, and a hundred people scream at us, “Can you do this please?” But we must remember that we are fighting for the survival of love.
Couples who stay together are prepared to go through periods in their relationship where commitment and responsibility is what keeps them together. None of us want to live our whole lives loving with gritted teeth, but there are thousands of couples who tried again, perhaps “for the sake of the kids”, and in the process found again a love they’d thought was gone forever.
As wonderful as the feeling of love is, it is not enough for a marriage. There will be many different times during it when we need to decide to love – even when we don’t feel like it. Turning off our favourite TV programme when we know our husband needs to talk? Doing that hated chore when it’s not your turn, but we know how stressed our wife is?
It’s the stuff of commitment.
Courtesy. Rob Parsons - Care For The Family.
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