Self Expansion

This is not as piece about the size of your girth after the festive season! It is about a subtle shift in expectations with regard to relationships.

The happy marriage is the “me- marriage”. According to recent research what people want from marriage is a partnership which will enable them to experience “self-expansion” – making their lives more interesting through new networks, experiences, challenges. Something which should happen anyway in a marriage.

The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.

But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting. The more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. The effect of self-expansion is apparently more pronounced when people first fall in love.

This appears to be all about “me” rather than “we.” If it is, then when I have “self-expanded” to my fullest potential (not through my wife cooking regular meals for me, might I add) I will move on to a new relationship.

At its core marriage puts the other person at the centre – it is a commitment to constantly seeking the best for the other – come what may. The best includes this need we have for “self expansion”. Without such a commitment the relationship is simply a vessel of convenience in which I’ll stick around so long as my personal needs are being met – and when this ceases to be the case I’ll look elsewhere. We ought to look out for the other person’s needs and interests so we both experience growth and “self-expansion”. If it is just about me, the balance is wrong. We belong together and our lives together ought to be bringing out the best in each other not just self. Love is selfless, not selfish.

As the Scriptures of the Christian faith say, “Do nothing out of selfish interest.......but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.”

I think it is called servant-hood. What would happen to our relationship with our spouse or our children, if we asked them, “How can I serve you today?”