Molatov Cocktail

Many years ago I lived in a flat with paper walls. Unfortunately, I could hear a lot. A young couple, newly married and active. But it was the activity of domestic abuse. By all accounts a nice young couple. But underneath?

Through these walls
The sounds of rushing
From room to room
Muffled shouts
Banging doors
Temper
And female sobbing.

Then silence.

Later
As usual on one of these nights
The sounds of sex.

I meet the man
Unexpectedly the next day
Behind his desk
At the JobCentre Plus

Advising me
Of ways to improve my life.


What we see in front of us can be deceiving. Marriages can be deceptive. On the face of it all can seem well whilst underneath there can be real issues, though not always as serious as this couple. A marriage might look to everyone else as if it is in summer. But behind closed doors it could just as well be in autumn or deepest winter. Often when a marriage splits, friends say they had no inkling whatsoever that anything was wrong. They never saw it coming.

“When we think of relationship counselling” says Paul Tournier, “We think immediately of the extreme cases, of threats to seek divorce, of couples who frequently come to violent blows. But there are many others which deserve our attention and care because their marriage or relationship is no less a failure. They live side by side, without hurting one another but poles apart because of no real understanding of one another.”

Research suggests that people can wait up to 6 years before going for help when things are under strain. Perhaps it’s denial. Or a fear of acknowledging failure. Maybe it’s a case of not knowing where to go or what is available. Sometimes only one partner is willing, usually but not always the woman. For others their relationship can be in the late stages of autumn or already in winter and they may think there is no way out of the freeze. In some cases it may simply be fear that stops couples from getting help, support, counsel.

It’s never too late. Relationships can move from winter back into spring though the road may be hard. Obviously, the sooner help is sought in any situation the better. If things are not going well behind closed doors, make that call, set up that appointment. Don’t let it drift or hope it will mend itself if you buy a house together, decide to have a child as a way of bolstering things or redecorate the lounge and move the furniture around.

If you are married and merely existing together, yet without hurting one another, in a relationship in which you are emotionally poles apart, make it a priority to spend more time together. Begin with 10-15 minutes a night just sitting talking and listening. And do again some of the enjoyable things you did together in the early days. Date one another. Rediscover the pleasure of presence and good conversation. Rekindle the delight of the early days.

If you are struggling and need to talk to someone, please get in touch: info@xplusy.co.uk