Rob Parsons writes... When my son Lloyd was young, he’d love to watch motor-racing on television. It was one of the few occasions when Dianne and I could relax, safe in the knowledge that he would stay out of trouble at least until the end of the race! The only part he found at all frustrating was the pit stop. Why any racing driver should want to stop to get things checked over when everything’s going well was beyond him.
It’s like that for us ordinary motorists. The annoying thing about putting a car in for a service is that often it doesn’t seem to need it. It starts first time, it drives well – yet hours spent on the hard shoulder waiting for the break-down van to come have convinced me that the pit-stop principle is a sound one. It says: when things are good, take time out to check, renew, and get ready for…whatever!
This summer, thousands of couples will get married. They will declare their love and commitment to each other – many still choosing to say those ancient vows: ‘For better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health.’ There are so many positives in marriage, but, inescapably, every couple will undergo trauma of some kind or another during their relationship.
It’s wise not to presume that good times will be without interruption. That doesn’t mean being pessimistic – waking every morning and saying: ‘I bet the wheels fall off today’. It’s just that it’s good to live realistically.
Now and again, difficult times can creep up slowly from behind. They don’t suddenly hit you the moment before you read the note stuck to the fridge saying, ‘I can’t take this anymore – I’m going to my mother’s.’ It’s for that reason we need to take time out to check things over – even when we’re racing around the track at 110 mph and everything seems fine.
I always encourage couples who are getting married to make a commitment to take a regular, in-depth look at their relationship. This doesn’t replace the ordinary, everyday talks – or even rows! They are times – perhaps three or four a year – to set aside an evening or weekend simply to talk about us. It’s an opportunity to discuss, listen, and give each other the right to raise any issue. When couples manage to have these ‘pit stops’ regularly, they usually find it’s easier to raise issues without either party feeling threatened.
Those pit stops may hold some surprises. They may show that a fantastic father or mother needs to be a good husband or wife as well. They may reveal that one of the partners is beginning to feel ’part of the furniture’. And a couple may realize that unless they put an end to those sarcastic comments, the hurt caused will result in them drifting further and further apart.
The wedding ceremony is almost over. Let’s listen in: ‘Will you take this man …this woman…’ I’d love to ask also, ‘Will you take these wedding vows so seriously that you’ll put aside time to specifically reflect on your relationship?’ ‘Will you build up stores in the good years, to take you through the lean times?’ ‘And will you work at being not just lovers, but friends?’
For all those who are getting married this summer, may they know love for a lifetime. And for us, also, let’s not take anything for granted, but make time for those regular pit stops that will help keep our love for each other on track.
* Don’t assume you will never go through difficult times
* Realise how quickly – and even silently – hurts can build up
* Don’t let other pressures squeeze out those pit stop checks
* Be gentle. Let’s listen more than we talk – remember that winning the argument is not as important as it first appears.
Rob Parsons writes for Care For The Family. More of their excellent resources can be found on-line at www.careforthefamily.org.uk
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