The Wild Swan

It wasn’t quite what I had expected when I said I would pay him a visit but then why should I have been surprised. After all, this was the man who once came to visit myself and some friends on the remote west coast of Ireland of an evening, by canoeing round a headland in the dark. So when he invited me to take a trip out to check his boat on the River Bann at nine o’clock on a pitch black October night it seemed typical.
 
There wasn’t a cloud in the heavens. The stars were picture perfect. There was no wind and the sound of our small engine travelled far. A slight night breeze freshened the face. And looming out of the dark, The Wild Swan came into view like a ghost ship.

Having clambered on board, we sat round a narrow table with knees tucked in, had green tea, no sugar and Digestive biscuits. It was perfectly quiet except for the small hissing tilly lamps which gave a shadowy atmosphere to the wooden cabin as we chatted about the past, sport, family life, the pictures fastened on the walls and how he had come to acquire the Swan.

She had belonged to a well known and respected sailor who had for years, taught many people how to sail this potentially treacherous coastal area. A coastline he knew like the back of his hand. She had been up around the Baltic Seas and had spent a year sailing in the Mediterranean.

One day out of the blue my friend had received a call to say that the Wild Swan had sunk. It had run aground along the very coastline of which the owner was so expert. But why? How could a sailor of such experience make such a horrendous mistake? Complacency, was my friends answer.

The call having been made, my friend was made an offer. Did he want the Swan which was at the bottom of the sea? He did indeed! And after extensive efforts it was raised to the surface and brought ashore.6 months hard work cleared the 4 feet of silt from inside the boat and another 3 years of renovation saw it back again on the water, almost fit for purpose.

Complacency. It is a subtle danger in our marriage. Having navigated the same stretch of daily life many, many times, we can assume the way ahead, take each other for granted. We assume that we will sail safely on, just as we have been doing. We become complacent.

When, for whatever reason, we fail to pay attention to our marriage we can find ourselves unaccountably sinking, or worse, at the bottom of the sea. Our marriage may not exhibit any of the extreme critical signs of crisis. We live, operate and exist without ever really hurting one another. Onlookers would never see any untoward signs. But we are slowly going under, drifting apart emotionally. And often it only shows itself when the children are up and gone and we realise we have nothing left for each other. We have been so child focused (why do so many marriages break up after 20 – 25 years?) or self –focused that we have neglected each other. Perhaps because things have been flat calm we have been able to sail on together for years presuming all is ok and all will be so. But we run aground. Recovery at times like this can be very costly but not impossible.

Michelle Weiner-Davis says,"When it comes to tough times in marriage, know this. Hope plus determination plus new skills can equal a completely new outcome."

And Eugene Peterson the American Pastor and Writer says, “A marriage takes year after year of alert and wide-eyed attention.” Much better to give your marriage the care and attention it needs now even though and especially if the children are still around.

By now it was well after 10o'clock. Having had our chat over tea and Digestives and with the temperature dropping, we headed back to shore, leaving the Wild Swan to the cold October night.

There is still work on her needing to be done. But she sails again up the west coast of Scotland each summer.