We Don't Need No Piece Of Paper From The City Hall.

Near Ballintoy on the North Antrim coast is the famous Carrick-A-Rede rope bridge. Once it was just that, a mere bridge put up and taken down each year by local salmon fishermen. Now under the National Trust it is a major tourist attraction. As well as spectacular views of Rathlin, Islay, Jura and the Mull of Kintyre, a visit is incomplete without crossing the bridge itself.

Is it safe? The locals who used to put it up each year would have no hesitation in saying, yes absolutely! Now with Health and Safety legislation there is no question at all about its safety, although you are still advised to proceed with care and to avoid letting your children horse across it!

What does this have to do with commitment in marriage? If you don’t think a bridge is safe you will not venture across. There are many and in increasing numbers, who think that the commitment to another in marriage is unsafe, too risky, never to be considered because they have had painful experiences in the past where they have been let down, hurt, abandoned or they have friends who have been in such dark places. Others like Joni Mitchell in the song 'My Old Man' say, 'We don't need no piece of paper from the City Hall keeping us tied and true.' The truth is that the alternative is even less safe and secure and is even more riskier.  

In marriage when you sense that your commitment is firm you gain confidence to venture out.  This is one of the most distinguishing and attractive features of marriage. It is a safe place and with commitment you greatly increase the chances of the relationship lasting. Commitment brings security, confidence, gives momentum to a relationship. Notwithstanding, you still have to cross with care. A marriage takes day after day and year after year of careful attention.

It was the German writer Goethe who said, ‘Until one is committed there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness................Boldness has genius, power, magic to it.’

Marriage is the safest and most secure of all ways to go. The best research on the subject would say, yes absolutley!

Consider how you might celebrate your commitment to your spouse in a special way sometime soon.

 

(Recommended: 'The Power of Commitment' Scott Stanley.  Publ. Jossey-Bass 2005)

 

 

 

Deciding Who To Marry - Children's Views!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?                                   (written by children) -You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?  Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?  Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8  WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?  -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8   -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin , age 10  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?  -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?  It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9   HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?  There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8   HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?  Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

Marriage Lessons From Melbourne.

 

I think I am over it, but as Roy Orbison used to sing, 'It's too Soon to Know.' Great as Andy Murray was, the Iron Man for Serbia was better.

 

And yet it is about perspective. Murray has been in the last 3 Grand Slam Finals plus the Olympic Final. He has won two, lost two. And this is how he sees it. There are always positives in the midst of the disappointments. He will learn and move on, keep working. And win more Slams no doubt, probably this year. Wimbledon? US Open again?

 

For a long time people have been acknowledging Murray's brilliance but questioning his mentality, the understandable negative slide when all is going against him. His form after losing in Austrailia in the past few years has been lamentable in the following months. I don't expect we will see the same this year. His mindset has changed. 

 

Mindset. It is everything in a relationship when things are not good and there are disappointments, sometimes huge.

 

John Gottman says this, 'You need to become the architect of your thoughts. It's up to you to decide what your inner script will be. You can habitually look at what is not there in your relationship, at your disappointments and fill your mind with thoughts of irritation, hurt and contempt or you can do the opposite.'

And Zig Ziglar ( he has to be  American! ) says, 'You are what you are and where you are because of what has gone into your mind. You can change what you are and where you are by changing what goes into yoiur mind.'

Transformation, says The Bible, begins with the renewing of the mind.

If only life was that simple! Yet it is true of our mindset, perspective and understanding. And it is hard work, especially if your relationship is in a dark place. But what is the alternative!
 

Just as the journey of 1000Km begins with one small step, perhaps transformation begins with seeing the positives, no matter how small, even just one at a time. Look for them, take note of them, savour them. Keep moving forward.

 

You see it's tempting to believe that the challenge is too great. The Iron Man is unbeatable. Andy Murray will take small positives from the pain of loss and with a strong and determined will, continue to move forward. I for one, am looking forward to future victories.

And as for the Djokovic? I am sure he too will sit down with his team, reflect on what they are doing well, celebrate it and continue in the same vane. Celebrate what you are doing well as a couple, the positives. Talk about them and keep on with them.
 

 

 

A Good Relationship Is....

The Power of Thoughtfulness.

"A single thoughtful act sets the tone for more positive interactions," says Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill,  Marriage and Family Therapist and Author of 'A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.'

Enhancing or even changing the climate of a relationship begins with thinking differentlly. If Sharon Gilchrist is correct then it depends on me. And here is the challenging part. I may not feel like doing so! But love is a choice. I chose to love the person to whom I am married and to whom I have made public promises.

Here are a few suggestions.

Think of one act each day that would 'bless' your partner. And do it............making the lunch, sorting his socks, paying a compliment, breakfast in bed, doing 3 hours in Tesco rather than on the Golf range, turning off the mobile in bed and listening,...............what else?

Perhaps you could ask the question, 'What 5 things would you really like me to do this week, which you would appreciate?' Then do them.

Who knows? Life might be full of new surprises.

The Most Challenging Stage of Parenting?

There was a very interesting discusion on Victoria Derbyshire's programme on Radio 5 this morning about what is the most challenging stage of parenting. Catch it again on the BBC iPlayer.

Here are a couple of book recommendations.
'Let's Stick Together' by Harry Benson for the early stages as new parents.
'The Sixty Minute Parent' & 'Teenagers' both by Rob Parsons.
'Teen Angels' by Dr Stephen Briers & Sacha Baveystock.

Plus have alook at Parentchannel.tv for some very helpful short videoes on all aspects of parenting.

Can iPhone Addiction Wreck Your Marriage?

 

Do you prefer to spend all your evenings exchanging messages with strangers rather than talking to your husband? Are you so distracted at bedtime that sex is off the agenda? If so, you may well have infomania - an unhealthy addiction to your smartphone - and experts warn it could have serious consequences for your relationship.

There are 33 million Brits with Facebook accounts and 11 million Twitter users. The Tavistock and Portman NHS clinic in London has a unit dedicated to technology addiction. Celebrity Twitter-fan Peaches Geldof attracted criticism after she stayed glued to her smartphone when her son's buggy hit a pothole, tipping him on to the pavement.

Infomania - information overload, caused by the continuous interruptions from and urge to check our smartphones - has become a huge problem which, if left unchecked, can ruin relationships and cause people to become divorced from the real world.

Chartered psychologist Thomas Stewart says that while smartphones are brilliant for connecting us with other people, when used to excess they can cause real issues within personal relationships.

'If you're engrossed in a smart-phone, you're not paying attention to your partner,' he says. 'Apart from being rude, when someone prioritises their phone in this way it can lead to their partner feeling neglected and resentful - especially if the person is glued to social media such as Twitter or Facebook and, therefore, communicating trivia to followers they barely know.'

This reliance on technology is also fuelled by people's growing fear of missing out - whether that's attending a party, learning about a breaking news story as soon as it happens or keeping up with celebrity gossip.

Aimee Bradley's smartphone obsession was one of the reasons she and husband Davin, 29, went to marriage counselling a year ago. 'We've had countless arguments over my phone,' says Aimee, 29, who lives in Chichester. 'Davin complains that he might as well not be there and I'm more interested in my phone. But it's hard to ignore a beep or a flashing light to alert me to a new tweet, Facebook post or email. 'Plus, as I work for an online boutique, people expect you to reply straightaway.' Aimee and Davin married in May 2011 and even argued on their honeymoon about her addiction.

'At counselling, Davin raised my infomania as a major issue. He said he felt neglected. 'Pre-smartphone, we'd have conversations uninterrupted by an email alert and would cuddle on the sofa in front of the TV. But he feels I'm too busy with my phone to do that any more.'

Their counsellor suggested they take radical action to repair their relationship. 'We agreed I'd put my phone down at 7pm each night. We've also been going out once a month and the deal is that I have to leave my phone untouched in my bag,' she says.

Psychologist Dr Jane McCartney says such informal curfews on smartphones are more realistic than going cold turkey. She also advocates that there are ways we can use our phones to engage with a partner. 'Talk about the things you see or read on your phone in the same way you might chat while watching a TV programme together.'

So for infomaniacs, this could be proof that it's worth breaking up with the interloper in your marriage - especially if they need to be plugged into the wall to be charged overnight.