“We have a unique relationship. We are like an old married couple.” John Torode talking about his working TV friendship with Greg Wallace on ‘Master Chef.’
The papers have been covering the story of the demise of the marriages of John Torode and Greg Wallace, the presenters of the hugely successful series of ‘Master Chef.’ 5 marriages between them.
When you read about the life-styles of these two men there are tell-tale signs which flag up the need for vigilance. Previous broken marriages. Exhaustive TV work schedules on top of their other work, leaving time for little else. The adrenalin of success and the fame that comes with it. Serial infidelity, in one case. Any relationship under such pressures is going to suffer.
Strain need not but often does lead to estrangement, drifting apart. In most marriages emotional drift is the most common cause of break-up. Not necessarily because of heavy work loads, fame etc . It can also be the result of quietly losing touch with one another in the very ordinary lives which the majority of us live. Tell-tale signs don’t of course mean inevitability but they do act as red light warning signals and the presence of real risk. They should alert us to restorative action.
In the exalted atmosphere of fame and fortune Matt Damon, who has a 3 year old, a 5 year old and a 15 year old, speaks of making sure that he spends no more than two weeks away from his wife and children. It is a two week rule: they won’t be apart as a family for longer than two weeks and so far he and his wife have managed to keep it to one week. On a day to day basis he and his wife get the kids off to school and then have an hour together when they have coffee. They are creating a lasting legacy for their children.
Each couple needs to work out how to regulate their own relationship. For most of us in the ordinary run of the mill lives, it is about creating space, diaried space when we date our spouse once a month on the anniversary date of our wedding and on a daily basis, creating catch-up time. And if circumstances allow and can be arranged, an annual weekend away together.
The recipe for a drifting marriage can often begin with something simple. You make time for each other as a priority. Talking and listening time. Fun, doing-things-together-time. Non- children time. Reconnecting and reviving the friendship which mattered so much in the early days but may have become obscured and lost. It has to be an intentional part of how you take care of your marriage. And, very importantly, keeping work and success in perspective.
The oft-quoted cliche is true, no one on their death bed ever said they wished they had spent more time at work.
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