Stood Up By Kaye.

I almost made it on to BBC Scotland this morning. At 8am I had a pre-programme phone call and then at 9.20 the producer called me and told me to stand by to take part in the discussion..........................but after a few minutes of me nervously waiting he said, we have had a flood of calls, so we will have to leave your contribution for today, thanks. Fair enough I thought. They want to hear from Joe Public rather than another “professional.”

“Why does marriage matter?” was the issue under discussion. The debate centred around why we should want to promote marriage above cohabitation and should the Govt favour one over the other, in the tax system.

A number of things struck me. Firstly, Kaye Adams hosted the programme very well and was very fair to all sides and did so with good humour. She led a very good discussion.

Secondly. It is ok, up to a point, to speak from personal experience. But, whatever your experience is, someone else will argue from theirs. So how do you decide which is the most valid? And who decides? People need to discuss on the basis of more than personal experience. What does the evidence actually point to? And the fact that marriages are 4 times more likely to succeed than cohabitations is telling.

Thirdly. Individual cases do not make the rule. We heard from a number of cohabitees who have been together 25 years or more, which is undoubtedly commendable. Some are celebrating by getting married! (Why bother now, I wonder?) But on the bigger scale, the level of trends in society, these are the exceptions. Only 4% of cohabitations will last 10 years or more. The majority will break-up within 5 years. Take 100 Cohabitees. 74 will still be together in 5 years time. 26 will not. Take 100 couples who marry. 91 will still be together in 5 years time. 9 will not. The difference is great. The social and emotional cost huge. And the key element is to do with commitment.

This is the main difference between the two. In the purely private arrangement of cohabitation the door is ajar. In the publicly commitment of marriage the door is closed. Not in the sense of being trapped but rather as a way of saying, we are a couple and we intend to stay together for our own benefit, for the benefit of any children and the good of wider society. The Counsellor on the programme was correct when she said, “Marriage has been devalued. We need to revalue commitment.” People chose to express their commitment in different ways other than marriage. They have a baby as a sign of commitment. Or they take out a mortgage as a sign. Is that enough?

My last reflection is about “Legacy.” What are we modelling for our children with regard to relationships? If it is true that cohabitations are the preferred lifestyle choice of the majority and if it is true that they are intrinsically more fragile than marriages irrespective of the age of the couples involved, then what are our children witnessing, experiencing and absorbing as a model for their own future? Fragility? Impermanence? There is plenty of evidence that relationship patterns jump to the next generation. So the way our parents behave influences the way their children will behave. The same can be said of bad marriages of course.

We are in danger of perpetuating a skepticism about relationships. They probably don’t work. So my attitude to any future one is deeply coloured by what I have known at home and learned from society. And it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Entering a relationship with such a low expectation of hope of success surely doesn’t bode well for the couple. What is it that kills off relationships in the end, according to Michelle Weiner-Davis? Loss of hope. Well, if you start with fragile hope, where does that lead in the end?

As for tax benefits for married couples? Why not! The long term benefits which marriage gives back to society in terms of health and well-being, productivity, input from fathers, child care, children's education and development etc etc ought to be recognised and encouraged.

We should strive to give our children the gift of growing up with both parents, living in a committed and loving relationship, enjoying the highs and working through the inevitable lows. Remember, relationship patterns jump to the next generation.